IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERRE

Hold up.

HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE <----- I just wanted to see how many more 'R's I could put in there before it got stupid! I reckon I could still put more.

Ok the deal is - Every once in a while I'll just straight up set myself on Fire. Right now I'm smoldering away like a giant human furnace, 'boy is it hot'.

"YOUR FLESH MUST BE CHARRED SO MUCH YOU STUPID LUMP OF COAL"

Actually it isn't, because I am totally fireproof. I discovered this when I first set myself on Fire, what seems like hundreds of years ago (but was actually only One hundred years ago). So when you normally think of Fire as being something that destroys things, I just think of it like 'something to pass the time, ho-hum'.


'An example of Fire being used to destroy Wood'

Once I just went up and lit somebody else with a Fire, as kind of an experiment, 'Misguided Youth' etc. It went a bit shit, as I chose a non-fireproof person, and they quickly turned into a cinder and 'whaddya know', a Corpse. There's simply no way of knowing whether someone is fire-proof or not until they are actually blazing away like a..um...Fire.

Luckily, nobody even asked any questions, 'don't want to get involved' and so on, which is pretty a pretty sad thing for Society. It's like people became really Remorseless towards others. So that's one lesson I learned out of the Fire business - 'Don't Trust Society'. I'm so hanging to learn other lessons out of it!! Once I have put myself out.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go and file my latest Income Tax Return before I get like, the BIGGEST fine.

LET'S PARTY AND LEARN ABOUT THINGS, SPECIFICALLY EGYPT

This is sort of an advertisement but also more of a Community Service Announcement. Keep reading, if you value Community!


'We can all Pitch in: a Dog can Pitch in'

How many times have you been to a Party organised by some incompetent Friend, Relative and left within seconds yelling 'Oh Sweet Virgin This is the shittest Party I've ever been involved with, I hate your incompetence at Parties, please erase my contact details, Name from your Rolodex (??) and I'd also like to mention LOUDLY that you are a Shit Loser!!'.

So many times.

Or perhaps you've been on the receiving end you Shit Loser. Either way, help is so immediately to hand in the humanised internet form of Mighty Joe Dean.

This dude has been researching Parties since like 1986 as a Freelance Entertainment Consultant and now he's made an awesome Company of 'Quest Experiences' to use Limited Liability and make a fucking huge profit (He Deserves it!!). What Quest Experiences does is turn a normal Party (potentially Shit) into a Themed Adventure where all the attendees have a sick time finding out about themselves and Facts.

"HOLY SHIT, I LOVE LEARNING WITH ALL OF MY BEING"

Dude! I do too, I just don't fucking crap on about it all the time.
*Shakes Head*.

The most popular Party type organised by Mighty Joe Dean is of course the Ultimate Ancient Egypt Themed Event.


'It's exactly what it says it is With Total Accuracy'

Just check out what the Internet says about this:

"This incredible e-book has over 150 unique and creative ideas (over 35 pages!) to make your ancient Egypt themed party or event FANTASTIC! YOUR TIME IS WORTH A LOT!

THIS IS NOT A REHASH OF SCATTERED IDEAS FOUND ON THE INTERNET!!! Although some ideas might be familiar (which is inevitable), a conscious effort has been made to provide unique ideas - ones you would probably not find ANYWHERE else - many originated by the author himself - ALL TO IMPRESS YOUR GUESTS!

IT WOULD TAKE HOURS AND HOURS OF SCRAMBLING ON THE INTERNET TO FIND NOT NEARLY HALF THE IDEAS LISTED IN THIS E-BOOK!!! YOUR TIME IS WORTH A LOT!"

He's so bang on the money about Time.

I'd strongly suggest you order this book right now before you even think about planning YET ANOTHER shit Party.

The other less popular Party Theme is American Revolution Treasure Hunt. Unfortunately in 2002 several people were found Dead after playing this game with their Lives at Stake. That cast the biggest fucking Pall over the Theme. Sorry to end on such a downer!!


'R.I.P. "it Seemed like a good idea at the Time"'

LETTING THE CAT* OUT OF THE BAG**

(* Catamaran)

(** Bag)

It's been exactly One Year and Six Hours since I finished my Solo Round The World Catamaran Voyage of Discovery. Now I'm not gonna be all like 'this was a Life Changing etc', because it wasn't and in truth it was totally boring and I almost wish I decided to do something else instead or at least take a fucking First Mate or some chicks or some shit.

So here's a photo of my Catamaran:


'That's confusing my fucking Eyeballs!! but it looks pretty ill'

I suppose everyone is 'just dying to hear about what happened on the Voyage', well too bad / 'unfulfilled' because it's all been Totally Classified once the Government found out about it. They have their fingers in so many pies, that bloody old Government. However, I was going through my Diary that I kept from the Voyage and won't be 'Chucked In A Gulag' for publishing the following notes (I hope!):

Day 1
"Holy Shit, this should be a pretty dope Voyage, also I am pumped about my Supplies"

[nb: Note my fucking Optimism!!]

Day 27
"Encountered Strong Winds or some shit, Maritime, Seaboard etc"

Day 42
"Pirates (final score IOYC: Killed About 100 Pirates; Pirates most common cry 'Why Did We Fuck With This Catamaran??'; International Laws of the Sea: Upheld.)"

Day 60
"Oh look, some Countries, Peoples"

Day 72
"Well, that's the Voyage finished I guess, *MASSIVE SIGH*"

I'll probably do it again this year. It all depends on so many things.

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF TRIMARANS"

Fuck a Trimaran, those stupid Boats are far more Efficient than Catamarans.

A TOTAL LACK OF RE: MORSE (CODE)

Brrrrukbukbuk!! In ancient times, dudes had to find a way to communicate without speaking in words, because they just didn't have a clue how to transmit that shit.

For hundreds of millions of years, people just were like 'WTF, will this ever end, fuck this Primitive lifestyle'. Into this enormous gap stepped the human mastermind of Dr Samuel Morse.


'I am Master of the Postal System and all other Systems'

And in one fell swoop, the dude completely invented a revolutionary Code, which was instantly called Morse Code. (Named after him). After that, life became so ill it was almost unbelievable that it was shit beforehand.

"AWESOME STORYTELLING, YOU'VE ALMOST BECOME 'FROM JOURNALIST TO NOVELIST'!"

Hahaha. Thanks, I was trying something new there!!

Anyway, let's stop this bullshit and get down to business. 'Pens Ready'? Morse Code basically consists of dots instead of words, letters, 'space bar' etc. How it works is you tap on something for the amount of dots you want and a Morse Code Translator will read out the results (ie message) in a stern voice. You merely have to listen to the Translator to become Totally Informed, in 'real time'.

It's bloody ingenious.

Nowadays Morse Code has almost fallen into disrepute because of its use in Wars and Secret Codes / Evil. It's not really fair because the Technology was NEVER intended to harm, only to help. Why won't they listen, ONLY TO HELP etc (Impression of Dr Samuel Morse). Also because everyone just talks on the Telephone (basically a 'copycat' invention) and Face to Face, totally disregarding Morse Code like so much filth. But I think it's still worthy of our recognition and UTMOST RESPECT.


'Anguish of Morseless World (Oil On Photo 1995)'

[Post Script: Dr Morse unfortunately was murdered by Brigands before he could read this article. My only hope that his Family Tree reads it and says 'Holy Shit, that sums up our Ancestor (and his achievements)'.]

I'M MOVING ON

How good is that suspenseful incomplete title!

"HOLY SHIT IS MY LIFE ABOUT TO GO FUCKED WITH THE END OF THIS WEB PAGE"

Haha, no. Because where I am moving on to is 'into a Windmill'.

The story behind this is I've been wanting to live inside a Windmill ever since I was a baby (even a Fetus). So, I put the call out to heaps of Real Estate Agents that exclusively deal in Windmills. There are a lot of these guys around and boy are they aggressive. My advice is to not call up a single one until you have totally decided to move into a Windmill, they will be fucking hassling you day and night otherwise. Some things they did include:

1. Kidnap my family and hide them in a Windmill 'Open For Inspection'
2. Force feed a duck to a child.
3. Worse things than that.

But, FUCK THOSE AGENTS!!! I'm over all that now and just happy to finally be realising my dream. I'm not really worried about common problems like 'when it gets windy', 'commuting', 'getting smashed by the blades of the Windmill', I figure everything will take care of itself somehow.


'Such a Beautiful Windmill'

Come over and say 'Hi' if you can be fucked, or just stand outside looking at it 'soothing rhythms of Windmills etc'.

WHAT COULD BE SAFER THAN A SAFE

It's a good question, and the answer is: Nothing.

"I'D CONTEST THAT, HERE'S SOME EXAMPLES ETC"

Dude no. The shit is fucking NAMED AFTER BEING SAFE.

So anyway, I really like Safes, and judging by the sheer Volume of mail I receive on this issue (brochures, Petition) I'd say a hell of a lot of other people like them too. It's really straightforward as to why - nobody likes to see their stuff 'racked by a crook', and it's so bloody reassuring to know that you can keep it all safe in a Safe (LOL it's hard not to use the word 'Safe' too many times!).

Let's get some definitions going up in here.

Safe (n): A place of Safety; Something that it's fucking IMPOSSIBLE to break into, except for Safe Crackers.

What I'm really getting down with at the moment is Safes disguised to look like other things. That's taking the whole concept of a Safe and flipping it into some camouflage shit. And if there's three things I love most, it's Safes, Flipping and Camouflage.


'I'd really love to read a book by Stephen King, oh what about this one HOLY SHIT a SAFE'

You're probably getting anticipation by now, 'I bet Safe Crackers are about to cop a Serve'.

Well they are. Safe Crackers are lousy thieves who like nothing more than breaking into a Safe to make off with the contents. It's totally fucked up as the contents of a Safe are likely to be the MOST VALUABLE things possessed by the Safe Owner. I don't even need to state that the Morals, Ethics of these people are 'nonexistent'.

"I'D LOVE TO PUNCH A SAFE CRACKER RIGHT ABOUT NOW"

Violence is not the answer, the answer is Education, OR IS IT:


'Oh, sorry, even though I'm a Physics Professor I think it's some big joke to Crack into Safes, guess I'm not so smart after all'

My only hope is that they invent new Safes that nobody can fuck with. 'ONLY A MATTER OF TIME'?

CHECKING IN WITH C.P.

Of Course, C.P. is an abbreviation of Colin Powell.

It wasn't so long ago that this dude was everywhere on TV, Media, just chilling out and telling everyone What's Up with Wars and other 'business of the day'.


'Tomorrow there will be a War of Iraq, Kuwait etc'

Suddenly, POW(ell), he's vanished, you can't even track him down. I started to ask myself, 'Has he gone into Hiding, Is Colin Powell, Where??' [ie. the Tough Questions]. First things first, i just straight called him up. Holla at my research skills, if you can handle it.

IOYC: Colin Powell. Sup.
Colin Powell: I have been demoted from Secretary of State to a position as a Menial Serf.
IOYC: Woah. Might I add, Suck shit!
Colin Powell: In my former incarnation as Secretary of State I would have totally fucking wasted you for saying that, now I am so powerless and will just take it like a little defenceless kid.
IOYC: I see. So you're not in a position to tell me What's Up with Wars, probably too busy crying!!
Colin Powell: I am conflicted as I respect you and your Journalism immensely but you are making me feel worse about myself in this trying time.
IOYC: Sorry dude.
Colin Powell: ... (Explodes with Joy, Woooo!)
IOYC: Back to business, are you going to be around much these days?
Colin Powell: No.

[Interview terminated]

I reckon he's okay now, probably glad that we don't hear from him much any more, just leave him in Peace etc.


'In Happier Times'

WOULD I BE A GOOD DENTIST

Most sensible people have a Things To Do list which contains, become a Dentist. I think I'd be possibly the best Dentist the World has ever seen (or Dental Assistant), it's just a matter of getting started and a 'foot in the door'. A perfect case of 'it's not What you know, it's Who you know etc'.

"THOSE PRICKS, WHY WON'T THEY DECIDE DENTISTS ON MERITS!!"

Oh just bloody grow up: It's how the Business World operates. Luckily I know a shitload of Dentists / Dental Assistants, and there's no shortage of Patients. So I'm perfectly placed to jump right into Dentism, HEAD FIRST.


'I am fixing your Mouth as a TEAM'

I'd say the key to being a completely dope Dentist is:

1. Make the Patient really at ease / relax ('Bedside Manner').
2. Thorough Knowledge of Mouths!!
3. General Well-Being
4. Don't fuck up and Extract the whole head in half, malpractice etc.

Plan:
If this all works out I'll open my first Dentist Office some time in the next few months. I'm so ready and pumped for any challenges that might get thrown at me and also for how good it will feel to fix Patients with shit Mouths.


'You Can Do It!!'

JUST FUCKING GREAT

You might be thinking, 'there's not been much Journalism here lately, is IOYC Died, Retired, Gone Crazy etc'. Well, I almost wish! Because the reality is probably 1,000 times worse / annoying.

Get this:

Slipknot is in my House.

I had never even heard of these IDIOTS until they all showed up at my front door, with bags, pets, 'sad expressions' - all the things that would be clues to 'we want to stay in your house for free, something has gone wrong in our lives'.


'Not a worry in the World!'

"I'VE READ ABOUT THIS HAPPENING BEFORE"

Thanks heaps for warning me. (SARCASTIC!!)

They are all sleeping in a big room I have which I normally use for Gymnasium and just plain Relaxing. I try to ignore them and 'focus' but they are ALWAYS like, 'Hey IOYC, what are you doing today, can we hang out, look at this BASSLINE or some shit' and then crying and stuff, 'we miss our old lives'. Like I give a fuck!

When are they going to Fucking Leave!!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD*

*of Scaffolding

The answer to this question is: All kinds of things. It's right up there with Concrete, in terms of just pure things to find out about for Journalists and 'interested parties'.

"DUDE ARE YOU FUCKING OBSESSED WITH CONSTRUCTION MATERIALS!"

Haha! I'm pretty interested in them IS THAT OKAY.

Scaffolding can be (and most often is) used to make a 'structure', where dudes can hang out and put up a building, or just joke around in safety. It originated when people first tried to put up buildings, thousands of years ago. Nowadays it's everywhere, just look around and you'll probably see some.


'We are so relaxed right now because we are surrounded by Scaffolds'

I've been on the trail of Scaffolding for a fair while now, and I just keep getting more into it. BUT there are heaps of people out there who think something is 'afoot' when it comes to Scaffolds. They'll point out all kinds of geometric shapes in Scaffolding, saying it is a sign of Satan etc, 'the end of the World is Nigh' and so on. All I have to say to these people is: Fuck Off, with your Anti-Scaffolding Bullshit. What do you want, a ban on Scaffolding, there's no viable alternative plus where will it all end?

(Hopefully with a BAN on Tangram LOL)

TWO WORDS 'HOLY SHIT'

You better sit down on something super comfortable because this is probably the most shocking Scoop EVER on this Web Site.

"DUDE I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO PASS OUT"

Oh get a fucking grip, I haven't even said it yet. But, here it is:

Erosion

"GULP"

Word. The thing is, basically the whole of the World is being destroyed by Erosion all day every day including RIGHT NOW. The only thing that is safe from Erosion is:

1. A Reinforced Steel Beam
2. Ideas
3. The Inner Core of the Earth / Magma

I have been unable to sleep worrying about this shit. Of course, the first thing I did was find out exactly how Erosion works, what it is etc. Check this:


'How can Science be so Fucked!?'

The unfortunate fact is that Erosion is totally unstoppable. Unless we could find a way to stop Wind, etc, imagine how hard that would be and it would probably mean an end to life as we know it [Just think through the implications].

"HOW LONG DO WE HAVE LEFT I AM PRAYING FOR MY LIFE"

Not long, according to Erosion Scientists. They are busy every day making graphs to stop Erosion in its tracks, but it isn't working. Here's a typical Erosion Graph:


'It's worse than I thought'

I'm sorry to have to bring this up. I just wish it was April Fool's Day or some shit, IT ISN'T. I'm going to do everything in my power to join the fight to stop Erosion. If you don't want to that's fine but you'll probably be sorry when we're all living on 'a little dot'.

THE WORLD'S BEST PLACE TO HANG OUT?

Why don't you Imagine this conversation:

Person 1:'Hey, hello. Oh, did you have a good weekend?'

Person 2:'FUCK YEAH I had a good weekend because I spent it chilling out on the Kolskaya Oil Rig'

"THAT IS REALLY VIVID IN MY MIND RIGHT NOW"

It's no surprise, because of how well it was described (totally conjuring up an image & excitement).

The Kolskaya Oil Rig is well known in the Oil Industry as the coolest Oil Rig in the World. This is for so many reasons, but one of the main ones is the classic guys that hang out there drilling for Oil. It's not lonely and shit like you might expect, 'prison-like' etc. In fact it's really awesome. There's just something about it, a 'magical wow' that can't be described.

Like an 'X-FACTOR'!


'It's certainly Structured in a sensible fashion'

It's not all 'fun and games' though, some of it Sucks as Martin Lewis explains:

"You will have to put up with questions and comments from friends and relatives like "Is it really like the Roughnecks program on the TV?"....."I bet the food's good out there isn't it?"....."Why aren't you driving a brand new car?"......that sort of thing."

Martin Lewis:


'I worked on the Kolskaya Oil Rig in 1994 and it was the best time of my life (until right now)'

Normally you aren't allowed to go onto the Kolskaya Oil Rig if you are a Civilian. I told the proprietors I would write a massive article of Journalism about them - It wasn't a lie, but I'm not going to do it any time soon. I feel a bit fucking Unscrupulous about this whole thing.

"DUDE PLEASE STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF ABOUT THIS YOU ARE A CHAMPION OF JUSTICE ETC"

It doesn't get much more reassuring than that.

A TRAVEL FEATURE

Heads up, we're all going on a 'Summer Holiday'! But don't be like, 'where are we going, I didn't sign anything to indicate, in fact I have important commitments my house is being sold / destroyed it's Winter.

Because, you will change your mind (and your Pants) when you realise we are going to CORNWALL*.

Check out what this place looks like, even a map is excitement PLUS.


'Note: GWEEK, also other good names (Looe etc)'

If there was an official Logo of Cornwall it would probably be a guy saying with all his heart 'I Love Cornwall'.

"THAT PLACE LOOKS FUCKING SICK, WHAT IS THERE TO DO THERE"

Pretty much whatever you want, within reason. But the main things Cornwall is known for are:

1. Being a fucking sick holiday destination.
2. Natural Wonders, Man Made Wonders.
3. Hot.
4. Classic place to meet your 'Perfect Match'.

The only real problem with going to Cornwall is that it's in the middle of a War Zone, so if you go there you have to be prepared to sometimes do Manoeuvres, take Orders, etc. But if you are lucky you might get to have a Peaceful stay. It's so worth the risk.


Sherry K. Shaffer, Risk Manager, Humphrey Management says 'Cornwall, I've not heard of it probably the world's SAFEST WARZONE'

*Metaphorically (DON'T start packing or leave).

DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME (PLAYING TANGRAM)

One of the most popular things people like to do is Recreational Activities. Everyone bloody loves them. Even me, when I'm not Investigating Stories / Research, I can often be found:

1. Building a model plane.
2. Hi!
3. [Removed - Ed]
4. Working out a problem from Maths.

But one thing you will rarely NEVER find me doing is playing TANGRAM.

"I AGREE TANGRAM FUCKING SUCKS ALSO WHAT IS IT"

In short, Tangram is that shit where you make pictures out of shapes. Eg, a dog, house, shape.


'Look at my Dibujos, if you want'

This game was invented like 400,000 years ago by China. Normally I'm down with China, they've done a lot of ill shit but here they just plain fucked up. And somehow, this boring and stupid game has survived for all this time and people STILL play it. I think it's a form of torture to think about it for a long time.

ATTN: Government

While you're in a 'banning' mood (see: Judo), why not just fucking put an end to Tangram. Everyone is crying out for it, won't you listen you tyrannical Government.

Now if you'll excuse me I don't want to think about Tangram any more unless it's to celebrate a BAN on it.

A CORRECTION

Check this, I need to explain some shit to set the record straight in regards to the Hermanus Whale Festival and SPECIFICALLY, Nataniel.

About 1,000+ people have been asking me, who is Nataniel, can you totally guarantee he will be at the Whale Festival, how many days until the Whale Festival etc.

I hope that this answers your questions. Here is Nataniel just hanging out:


'Am I in Mexico, or in a Dream World?! Plus, ORANGE'

See! It's totally straightforward. Also, some feedback about Nataniel. The last comment sums it up so well, it's like I'm looking right into his brains.



You can't ever say 'Oh My God, I am Dying of Confusion and need a Remedy'.

I'VE GOT THE POWER! (TO PRESIDE OVER YOGA)

I know what you've been thinking, 'there hasn't been an Interview on this Web Site since that Jeff Probst debacle, and even before that there was only the George Clooney, Sherrif Richard Ingram, Representative of Farms etc, I'd rather live in a house made of moldy dicks than keep coming back here if this is the standard of Interviews etc etc'.

Totally fair enough. But grab hold of something to make sure you don't 'flip', because you're about to cop a glimpse at:

Yogacharya Dr. F. Estevez-Griego

"THAT NAME SOUNDS FAMILIAR, WHO IS IT?"

Oh, just the motherfucking World President of Yoga.


'The Biggest Yoga magazine in the World with the President on the cover (right)'

I think this is my best interview yet. Check it.

IOYC: Ayo, Dr. F. Estevez-Griego!
DR F. E-G: Sup. Hey, are you feeling better after the Probst thing.
IOYC: Straight up motherfucker do NOT mention that again alright?
DR F. E-G: (looks worried)
IOYC: How long have you been the President of Yoga.
DR F. E-G: Eight years.
IOYC: Word! Do you still like it.
DR F. E-G: Hell yes, I love it so much.
IOYC: (laughs).
DR F. E-G: Didn't you hear me? I said, Hell yes, I love it so much.
IOYC: Alright alright. What do you think about the fact that Yoga is sometimes being used to hurt children.
DR F. E-G: I am going to stamp that shit out with all of my power.
IOYC: (laughs). Thankyou for your time Dr President.
DR F. E-G: It's been my pleasure, now I need to get back to Yoga please.

"THAT'S SO INSIGHTFUL IT'S ALMOST UNBELIEVABLE"

Holla. Can you say, 'Pulitzer Prize Material'?

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT

Most Magic is just really pretty pretend, transparent etc. Or totally fucking made up like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings ('oh, I am going to cast a spell on you or some shit'). But every once in a while you come across a Magician that is so damn good you can only put their skills down to Realness.

Of course what I am referring to is the Magic show of Alex Bruce Dicker. This guy is like the biggest and best all round entertainment, probably in the World.


'Is he pulling a fake Ear out of a Coin, I don't understand it?'

The other thing about A.B. Dicker is that his shows are tailor made to educate and Magicise (?) people. Check it, one of his thousands of options for a show is:

STOP, LOOK & LISTEN SHOW
"Teaching children not to accept rides, money or candy from strangers, and not to play with sharp objects, are but just a few of the subjects covered in this show.  As always, the show is filled with lots of MAGIC, LAUGHS & AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION.  This timely show could help save the life of a child."

[Emphasis Added]

It's hard to think of a situation that is more important than that. Anyway I'm already totally sold on this show, I don't need to convince myself! But maybe you are still 'unsure'.

"I AM PRETTY CERTAIN BUT WOULDN'T MIND SOME ENDORSEMENTS? I AM FUCKING PICKY ABOUT MAGIC SHOWS"

That's understandable. There are a lot of shit ones. But if this doesn't satisfy you, nothing will. COMMENTS about ALEX BRUCE DICKER:

"You are responsible for our company's most successful and enjoyable management dinner! You definitely delivered what you promised, and without your humor and magic the dinner would have been just another dinner."
-AMERICAN FOODS GROUP-


'There's something not right about this'

"I received many good comments from our people that thought you were great. The previous year we had a different performer who offended many with his language, but imagine that you were funny and never had to swear."
-SCHNEIDER EXCAVATING-

Like, 'Woah..'

I'd suggest you give him a call right away even if he's probably booked out till like 2008 by now.

YET MORE ADVERTISING OF PRODUCTS

But don't be like "this Web Site SUCKS now, it's all ads". Because firstly, there's like two ads or some shit, PLUS / secondly, this is almost the Scoop of the Century.

Hundreds of people are wondering why they just don't feel Harmonised all the time. It's entered the popular culture, in conversations such as:

Person 1: 'What's wrong with you today'.

Person 2: (doesn't respond)

That's about as far from Harmonised as you can get. The saddest thing is that nobody knew how to Harmonise a person. Not even Musical Wizards.

Until now (recently). Check out Doctor John Beaulieu N.D., Ph.D, the founder of BioSonic Enterprises.


'I can afford this many Tuning Forks because I am LOADED'

Doctor 'Johnny B' says:

"I sat in an anechoic chamber for five hundred hours over a period of two years and listened to the sounds of my own body. Then one day I brought two tuning forks and tapped them. Immediately I observed that the sound of my nervous system came into resonance with the sound of the tuning forks. It was then I realized that people can be tuned like musical instruments!"

"BLAOW!!"

Haha, word. Check THIS:



DNA TUNING FORKS

"These aluminum tuning forks create the ratio of 8 to 13--a new sonic relationship to be found on the planet. These tuning forks express the phi ratio, which some believe to be the ratio of love. They represent an outer octave of the sacred spiral. When sounded together they have a most unique effect: some hear angels singing, others become aware of light being encoded in the physical and etheric. Others feel their consciousness spiraling. Still others feel a gateway opening. Health professionals who have experimented with these tuning forks have found they balance the left and right hemispheres of the brain and induce deep states of tranquility. Other professionals indicate they can balance and align the chakras. Still others believe that they actually create balance on a sub-atomic levels and can actual activate new aspects of the DNA helix."

"ARE YOU JUST MAKING THIS SHIT UP"

This is all over Doctors, Medics, Nurses, Surgery, Mathematicians etc, they are talking about nothing else.

Just imagine how good it would be, to go 'Buuuunnng' with both of those forks and basically Harmonise every single element of your DNA with the Universe, INSTANTLY. This is like, the biggest thing to happen in Science since the invention of the Zodiac.

NB: PLEASE do not try and do this shit with normal eating forks.

I JUST RECEIVED A JOB (OFFER)

You're going to experience a 'drop in cabin pressure' when I tell you I've just been offered Curator of a Museum.

Get this, from now on if I want I will totally be putting together Exhibits of like skulls and shit, probably a tableaux of Ancient Peoples (Asia or Egypt), how a Plane Works, just anything I can think of.

Here's a F.A.Q. about what's going on, because I am just not going to have time to be answering every motherfucking question that people ask me.

1. What Museum Is It.

Haha, I can't tell you that, because of the Privacy Act! But it's definitely not this one:


'Is this an entry in the competition: World's Shittest Museum'

2. Won't this interfere with being a Journalist??

I doubt it, it should be piss easy.

3. Can you do an Exhibition on Desert Mammals.

Do you mean like a Fennec Fox? Do you know that Fox has big ears to radiate heat? IT'S FUCKING HOT IN THE DESERT (during the day). I am so down with doing that Exhibition. You better come and see it.

4. You just finished saying you hate antiques, so much, and now you are going to probably be Curator of a Museum??

I pretty much do whatever I want! It's not like I'm restrained by Consistency.

Man, I am excited about / by this opportunity. It's the Chance of a Lifetime?

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES OF SCIENCE

These days we take it for granted that Science can answer pretty much every single question in Earth. For example:

Q: What is the difference between 'five' and 'nine'?
SCIENCE: Please refer to a Table of Logarithms.


'The correct answer is 6.1'

Man, that's the realness. It gives me a BUZZ just thinking about how rad Science (usually) is. Other areas completely 'squared off' by Science include:

1. Squares.

However, there's one area where Science is completely at a loss. And that is, Slime Molds. Check this:

"Slime molds in the genus Fuligo are organisms that can appear bright yellow to orange, fading to brown and tan as they dry. They pose no threat to plants, animals or children, but they look awful and might be distracting at a garden tour or barbecue. You won't find any miracle cures for slime molds because chemicals do not kill nor eliminate it. In fact, chemicals can do more harm to the applicator and the environment!"


'YUCK / wtf!! Please Watch out, Dog'

This scares the pants out of me.

"CALM DOWN DUDE, I'M A FUCKING EXPERT ON SINGLE-CELLED ORGANISMS"

Your bragging is annoying probably justified. But NEWS FLASH, a Slime Mold is a MULTI-CELLULAR COLONY. So you just made a big mistake, how does it feel?

I plan on dedicating at least the next fifty years of my life to working this shit out.

How Scientists might react:


'Thank Christ for this dude even though he will put us out of a job probably'

THINGS THAT PISS 'ME RIGHT OFF'

I probably don't even need to say this, but: Fuuuuuuuuuuck Antiques.

"HOLD YOUR HORSES, I LIKE / LOVE THEM, I'D GO TO AN ANTIQUE FAIR AND HANG OUT THERE"

Well maybe this is where you and me part ways, because I don't even have a second for them. Even thinking about one thing from ten years ago right now is making me get so angry I could SNAP - and then imagine the Chaos / bodies of corpses flying everywhere like a Cyclone just ERUPTED!!?


'Look, my House is full of Old Shit'

Get a new house.

A BIG WIN

Alright, listen up. After my encounter with Jeff Probst went straight up 'horribly awry', I thought I needed a challenge to re-boot my reputation / integrity as a Top Journalist.

So I decided to grow the World's Biggest Pumpkin.

"WTF, DO YOU KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT FARMING AND SPECIFICALLY PUMPKINS"

Ayo, check yourself, because I know a 'tonne' about them, after reading up on 'Pumpkin Nook', which is The Internet Shrine and Library for Pumpkins. Just take a look at the HARD FACTS on Pumpkin enthusiasts:

"Pumpkin lovers share some great personal traits. They, we tend to be :

- Fun loving
- Intelligent and inquisitive
- Respectful of nature.
- Friendly and helpful
- easy going
- charitable
- and much more"


'Hell Yes! Are we in the right place'

I purchased a Pumpkin seed from a dude, planted it in some Soil, and sat back for like half an hour to watch that shit grow OUT OF CONTROL.


'What a load of Shit'

At one point I was worried that my Pumpkin was just going to be too fucking huge for Reality and that people would think it was fake / a trick. Luckily, nobody even batted an eyelid except in shock at how big it was.

What the hell will I do next, who cares as I have got this title now: Grower Of World's Biggest Pumpkin.

It's an achievement that most people will never, ever have.

ARMY: NOT JUST ABOUT KILLING DUDES (AND CHICKS)

Like most people, I thought an Army was simply to 'blow people away' in a War. But after spending the last day on a Military Base talking to Soldiers, I have to totally change my tune.

"DAMN DUDE, YOU ARE SO FLEXIBLE WHEN IT COMES TO BEING INFORMED OF NEW THINGS"

I know! It's one of my best qualities.

Check this - you can be in the Army just to rock out and 'kick ass' (not physically). There's entire Squadrons of guitars, keyboard players, (a trumpet?) and especially drums. As you can imagine, drums are super useful in the Army to provide a beat for, eg:

1. Marching.
2. Other instruments.
3. If it becomes necessary to kill people in a rhythmic fashion (in a War).


'I call this one "My Commanding Officer has Ordered Me to Kill You"'

Only the most well trained Soldiers can be in the musical Squadrons of the Army. If you put a rookie in there, they are just going to fuck up. Imagine how bad the morale would be, if the Army music was 'just plain shit'. It would be so easy to conquer an Army with a less than average music Squadron. Like wrestling a little kid or something, almost Unfair.

I'll probably start practising drums / instruments so much harder now that I know one day I could be called up to 'Kick Out The Jams, Sergeant'.

HOW TO AVOID THINKING ABOUT SEX OR FOOD

'It's pretty Slimy'

This shit would be fucking helpful in a Desert / Jail.

TOTAL WTF: NEW ZEALAND

Prepare to be blown out of your seat / room.

I've just had a full-on phone call from Dr Helen Clark, Prime Minister of 'New Zealand'. In between yelling incoherently she managed to say that the entire country of New Zealand has FUCKING SHRUNK to just 300 metres long.


'That's not much bigger than this map'

Needless to say, Dr Clark was totally fucked up about this. She literally doesn't know what to do, which you can imagine for a Doctor is some traumatic shit. I suggested that everyone try and just stretch the country out back to its original length. What I didn't do is ask her point blank:

1. How did you let this shit happen.

"HOW ARE PEOPLE COPING WITH SUCH A DIFFICULT GEOLOGICAL SCENARIO"

Not well. There are like 400 million people in New Zealand, and now they are crammed into a space not much bigger than a really really big room. Obviously, diseases like Crowd Pox are becoming epidemic.


'We look happy but there's not much to be happy about in this now tiny fucking country'

Stay tuned for further developments.

HOW TO SURVIVE INSIDE A MASSIVE EXPLOSION

It's not often you think about what you would do if all of a sudden everything around you fucking exploded. Luckily, I think about this kind of shit all the time and have come up with a Plan to survive even the biggest explosion with only probably an arm off or burnt.


'There's no fucking way someone could survive in that, even a Robot would Melt'

That's what I used to think until I came up with the Plan. And it's not just 'running away' like those Cowards in the photo are doing.

"DUDE, YOU SHOULD SHARE THIS KNOWLEDGE WITH US AND ALSO THE ARMY / ARMED FORCES"

I tell you what, I would love to share it. But it has to be Top Secret, for fuck's sake. If people knew how to survive in Explosions, generally, they would be exploding shit everywhere, to survive and also to wipe out people who didn't know how to survive. You can see where this is going.

"PRETTY SOON THE WHOLE WORLD WOULD BE EXPLODED"

Exactly. I can't have that shit on my conscience, that would straight up ruin my life.