Wednesday, June 22, 2005

WHAT COULD BE SAFER THAN A SAFE

It's a good question, and the answer is: Nothing.

"I'D CONTEST THAT, HERE'S SOME EXAMPLES ETC"

Dude no. The shit is fucking NAMED AFTER BEING SAFE.

So anyway, I really like Safes, and judging by the sheer Volume of mail I receive on this issue (brochures, Petition) I'd say a hell of a lot of other people like them too. It's really straightforward as to why - nobody likes to see their stuff 'racked by a crook', and it's so bloody reassuring to know that you can keep it all safe in a Safe (LOL it's hard not to use the word 'Safe' too many times!).

Let's get some definitions going up in here.

Safe (n): A place of Safety; Something that it's fucking IMPOSSIBLE to break into, except for Safe Crackers.

What I'm really getting down with at the moment is Safes disguised to look like other things. That's taking the whole concept of a Safe and flipping it into some camouflage shit. And if there's three things I love most, it's Safes, Flipping and Camouflage.


'I'd really love to read a book by Stephen King, oh what about this one HOLY SHIT a SAFE'

You're probably getting anticipation by now, 'I bet Safe Crackers are about to cop a Serve'.

Well they are. Safe Crackers are lousy thieves who like nothing more than breaking into a Safe to make off with the contents. It's totally fucked up as the contents of a Safe are likely to be the MOST VALUABLE things possessed by the Safe Owner. I don't even need to state that the Morals, Ethics of these people are 'nonexistent'.

"I'D LOVE TO PUNCH A SAFE CRACKER RIGHT ABOUT NOW"

Violence is not the answer, the answer is Education, OR IS IT:


'Oh, sorry, even though I'm a Physics Professor I think it's some big joke to Crack into Safes, guess I'm not so smart after all'

My only hope is that they invent new Safes that nobody can fuck with. 'ONLY A MATTER OF TIME'?

22 Comments:

Anonymous Deep Underground Throat said...

I feel so much "Safe"-er about the conspiration now that your talking about "Safe"s dude! Ha hA! Your right! It's really "LOL" to do that. SAFE! It feels really "ROFL" too! Man, where's that watermelon juice!?!?!

3:02 AM  
Anonymous gravestmor said...

Safes are lame.

EVERY SINGLE MOVIE FEATURING A SAFE HAS SAID SAFE BEING CRACKED BY A SAFE CRACKER.

Grow up.

3:43 AM  
Anonymous Just Deep Underground Now said...

BOOYA, I'd hate to spoil you're party or rap on you're wagon Gravy guy, any movie or anyone with a mouth that works can SAY "safe being cracked by a safe cracker", but it's not words that are important - it's ACTIONS which is why black fire dude is pointing out how Safe Crackers are part of the big CONSPIRACY.

It's not like their Crackers which are "Safe" or even my Crackers - they break shit and that's fucked up!

(But hang on, IOYC - what if they just crack the safe and don't steal anything... dude, fucking agnostic moment right here)

3:54 AM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Dudes

Let's not be fucking ridiculous, I will not have the integrity of Safes compromised for one second on this Web Page. In case you can't tell I FUCKING LOVE SAFES.

And as mentioned I will totally fight against Safe Crackers / Cracking until I am inevitable killed by some fucked up Safe Cracker with a Personal Vendetta [I WILL AVENGE THIS or some shit]. This includes movies about Safe Cracking (songs?), movies should be about 'Well, we tried to crack the Safe but it was just too difficult, now we are going to learn our lesson and apply our knowledge to building even doper Safes that nobody will be able to crack, it's ironic that this knowledge was gained from Safe Cracking, Moral Lesson etc'.

Thanks and regards,
IOYC Challenge Facing the Youth of Today

4:11 AM  
Blogger Dr Henrik Ziegler said...

gravestmor, While you have a point that movies with Safes usually have a Safe Cracker involved, keep in mind that THE SAFE CRACKER USUALLY ENDS UP FUCKED UP (ie in Jail, on fire, etc.)

The moral of said films of course being: Don't fuck with safes.

4:35 AM  
Blogger usch said...

i think the stephen king book safe is going to be very safe-cracker proof. who would pick up a book by stephen king? obviously someone with no taste/good-breeding. like a safe cracker. they would do better to hide it in something classy that a safe-cracker would be afraid of approaching. maybe some milton.

6:37 AM  
Anonymous Deep Underground said...

Phew, I'm all perspiring and expiring from this "hard" core research, but I've found the SMOKING GUN META FOR THAT IMPLIES THERES A CLUE THAT WILL DEFINITIVELY PROVE BEYOND ALL REASONABLE DOUBT that pins Stephen King under a Safe for good. You ready?

So this Stephen King dude is pretty cagey and he seems to be pretty small time, so there's not much info on the ETHER, but I did find that he written "some other books" and I don't just mean he wrote those three words on a piece of paper or any shit like that - I'm talking about hundreds of pages of text that may OR MAY NOT BE about Safes and Safe Cracking!!!

There's this one book called "Firestarter" that's about BBQs and SECRET GOVT ORGANISATIONS (check da 'abbrev.' that I used to hide from the automated GOVT robots!?!) Apparently if you use a technique known as "leafing through" you'll find this character called "Rammaden, G.M" (NB NOT his real name - hes just a character!) and he's a... he's a... I can hardly write the words without the bile rising up and dissolving my keyboard...

Safe Cracker!

And he "teaches" the agents who work for the "Shop" which is some fucked up name for the secret govt. agency how to crack safes!!!

So if Stephen King is writing this shit... then how can you trust a safe that's been made out of the very essence of what's good and evil!?!?!?! Talk about ironic hypocrisy spoiling your day!! IOYC - seriously time to investigate INVESTIGATION dude cause there's some weird shit happening their.!>!

6:08 PM  
Blogger CloCkWeRX said...

You know the people who design safes?

They don't have your devotion. They're all, hey, let's make it kind of difficult to get in, but like, it's never impossible.

Never. Impossible.

That's what they think. Let's selling a mind fappingly expensive safe that's good for about an hour of abuse with a diamond tip drill.

Or exploding things.

Because they figure, hey, a safe getting cracked into? Surely some frothing mouthed rabies infected zealot will emerge from the woodwork and go all jacki chan on their safe cracking asses.

It's people like you, IOYC, that keep the safe industry not caring about safes enough to make them safe, but infact only to sell you a bigger, better, slightly harder to get into if you lose your keys safe the next time you've got valuable assets.

I think we should move away from idea that safes are fine on their own. They need like, fatal traps.

For instance, look at the big market in Man Eating Tigers.

Put one of those in a safe and your safe cracker is going to regret his career choice :)

7:19 PM  
Anonymous Deep Afloat said...

Yeah! Word Clock! It's fully like a bad workman who blames his Colin Powells!?!?!

Those Safe "Design"ers should stop designing safes as though they were Windows "95 or some year" and start making them more like my "Espresso Machine", which is fucking IMPOSSIBLE to hack or crack or attack or bukakk!! I fully tried to "MOD" it to make watermelon juice and it was like trying to break into a SAFE! Er, no wait! - it was like trying to be intellectually STIMULATED by Stephen King!!! Totally that fucking impossible.

Time to get you're shit together Safe Makers! The clock's ticking!!!

7:44 PM  
Blogger Freelancer said...

I think it's SAFE to say, we could all do with pitching in to buy Deep Throat/Underground/Dentist/All-Round Ranter some English tutoring. Only then will it be SAFE to continue with this topic.

8:15 PM  
Anonymous Deep Grammer said...

1stly, I highly doubt whether you do actually lance for FREE (Scoop-a-doop!!!) and 2ndly I bet your 1 of those ppl that cringes everytime you see you're precious apostrophes "corrupted like a small" child cracking there first safe?!

However maybe I should take that back and put it some {wear safe} cause I've just figured out that you're making a really fiendly offer since I sometimes glissez dans le Fran├žais without realising it!@ So maybe if I talked (and write[d?]) better English that wouldn't happen so much!#! Then the "Consprinators" would be running scared from my immense POWEll!

From nowon I'll learn more, like for e.g. a quick history and language lesson that the word safe stems, "roots and leaves" from the Latin "salvus" which when broken down means "2. To ease the distress or agitation of" "us"!! So SAFEs originally made the Roman's feel chilled! It was only when the 'Safe Cracking Carcinogens' skiied over the Alps and destroyed their safe's with ELEPHANTS that "Safe" started to mean what it still does today which is "3. Slang. A condom"

9:17 PM  
Anonymous gravestmor said...

Nothing is safer than a safe?

Does that mean that nothing is more locked than a lock?

Let me tell, and I know for a fact, that there are many, many unlocked locks out there.

9:24 PM  
Anonymous Deep De Trop said...

That's grave dude when it's obvious that you're getting your "verbs and objectives" confused. Nobody except perhaps Mme King goes around saying "Dude no. The shit if fucking NAMED AFTER BEING LOCKED". I know of heaps of safes that have been "unlocked" at some stage, but they haven't been "unsaved (from the wrath of God)" - you dig??? Hey, free[or maybe not?!?]lancer - this "English" stuff is awesome!!

9:52 PM  
Blogger Freelancer said...

You've got so much to say, Deep. Can I call you Deep? Because you truly are.

So, here's a thought...

Get a blog.

Hugs and kisses,

Freelancer (...of pus-filled boils like Deep.)

10:26 PM  
Anonymous Deep Log (Plog) said...

Ah Hah! I knew everything wasn't all peas and mash in the world of skewer liberty^(2n!). As much as flattery will get you fattery (er), you no as well as i do that ASA(~P) I get a blog, then I'll have an online IDENTITY that can be used as a means to track down my "Intellectual Property" that connects the HTTP and HTML to my computer (if in fact I had one, which I DON'T). A clear indication taht your also part of the "Worldwide Conspiracy of Construction/Oral Surgery/Watermelon/Slashes" (henceforth known as "WTF")

I only half trust Black Firey Wind of Steel and Other Construction Materials coz he's not even aware that he's part of it all yet... I think...

Besides, if I did have a "BLOG", I'd have to put up with c0cks leaving vacuous comments with poor punctuation, spelling, grammar and shit. Fuck that.

11:19 PM  
Blogger Freelancer said...

Conspiration or no conspiration, I fear you, my deepy deep blog-plogger and grammar-slogger will only dodge the men in white coats for so long.

11:29 PM  
Blogger Dxxxx said...

What is up everyone's bum today is all i can say ????

Grumpy people everywhere ...sheesh

11:52 PM  
Anonymous Deep Digger/Tunnel Explorer said...

Well, Dx(censored), I don't know anything about "grumpy" or "sheesh", but I do know a lot of ppl reading this will be all "OMG WTF TLA!?!" Least of which will (who?) be the 'A4' mentioned dodgy construction men disguised in white coats.

I think the answer to your anal query may be found when you explore the implications of C. "The Colonator II - Judgement Utensil" P.!!! Dig deep. You'll definitely feel better having explored all avenues and cavities of "Possum"-ibility. Has this blog just taken a turn for the worst? I 4 1 think. Not.

1:25 AM  
Anonymous Jesus said...

Dudes.

A safe is not safer than me!!
I always ask myself: WHAT WOULD I* DO?
Be safe, don't blaspheme (much).



*Obviously you should follow my example, like, ALWAYS. However, it should be noted that for you to ask WHAT WOULD I DO, because you a truly not the son of God (EG MY OLD MAN).
Suggestion/ Hint; replace "I" with "JESUS" when replicating my lifestyle.

1:40 AM  
Anonymous Colonel Peter James Wright said...

The salient point in this "discussion" is not about Safes at all. In fact, if you drill down (excuse the pun) you may find that it is more about a Freudian desire to be inside that which you can no longer be inside.

Get it?

4:28 AM  
Blogger Alex said...

Dear,
BWFS from IOYC,

Why did you change the IOYC mantra!?

Surely your old "Don't even go there.." Summs up your truly inspired journalism style better than

"Probably the Number One place to find News, Information, Stories about everything"

Every half arsed journalist thinks they are "Probably the Number One place to find News, Information, Stories about everything"

If Nataniel came to this page and saw "Probably the Number One place to find News, Information, Stories about everything" He would be appauled, thinking that this was some B grade Tabloid effort not even worth free sample's from his facial product range.


Yours Truly

Alex.

5:17 AM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Y'All

Holy Shit, I step away from a desk for like 30 seconds to grab a WELL EARNED helicopter tour and now I'm copping all kinds of Legitimate Criticism, about Journalism, Conspiracies, 'what is this Web Site Called Now', other things. I didn't know Safes would be so fucking Explosive!! (If anything I thought How To Survive Explosions etc).

This could So Easily turn itself into THE DAY EVERYTHING WENT HAYWIRE!!, if I wasn't totally so in control of all of this shit, like a complete Monk, Deepak Chopra, Tae Bo Masterpiece.

All I can do is report the Stories on this Web Page. You can interpret them however you like (ie no Dictationship), praise Allah.

Yours Sincerely,
IOYC Brings The Motherfucking Ruckus

7:11 AM  

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