Wednesday, June 01, 2005

TOTAL WTF: NEW ZEALAND

Prepare to be blown out of your seat / room.

I've just had a full-on phone call from Dr Helen Clark, Prime Minister of 'New Zealand'. In between yelling incoherently she managed to say that the entire country of New Zealand has FUCKING SHRUNK to just 300 metres long.


'That's not much bigger than this map'

Needless to say, Dr Clark was totally fucked up about this. She literally doesn't know what to do, which you can imagine for a Doctor is some traumatic shit. I suggested that everyone try and just stretch the country out back to its original length. What I didn't do is ask her point blank:

1. How did you let this shit happen.

"HOW ARE PEOPLE COPING WITH SUCH A DIFFICULT GEOLOGICAL SCENARIO"

Not well. There are like 400 million people in New Zealand, and now they are crammed into a space not much bigger than a really really big room. Obviously, diseases like Crowd Pox are becoming epidemic.


'We look happy but there's not much to be happy about in this now tiny fucking country'

Stay tuned for further developments.

10 Comments:

Blogger underwhleming said...

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11:16 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

What a fucking aggy cunt.

Wipe him off the face of the earth like a smudge.

4:34 AM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Dudes

Ben is correct, and might I add that motherfucker knows EXACTLY what time it is.

What kind of Journalist would I be if I hadn't read every single web site on the internet and smashed most of them up like a dude with a hammer that can smash up electrons.*

*Rhetorical Question.

Yours in Explosive Realness,
IOYC Holdings Limited Liability Partnership

5:56 AM  
Blogger thr said...

Well this will put the "sheep per square kilometre" world record through the fucking roof- through THE FUCKING ROOF.

Congrats I say!
thomasr

6:20 AM  
Blogger amy gardner said...

Thomas raises a good question.

IS ANYONE THINKING OF THE SHEEP.

Won't someone think of the sheep.

6:52 PM  
Blogger Polywise said...

baa humbug.

7:12 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

THERE'S MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS AT HAND THAN THNKING ABOUT THE SHEEP

Unless the sheep can be turned into humanitarian supplies they don't deserve any thought.

OH, WAIT! You can turn them into blankets!

7:14 PM  
Blogger amy gardner said...

Get out of here with your sheep-hating.

It is wrong to turn sheep into blankets, or squeeze them into shrinking countries.

10:05 PM  
Blogger thr said...

LAND FOR SHEEP!
Old anthem:
God of Nations at Thy feet,
In the bonds of love we meet,
Hear our voices, we entreat,
God defend our free land.
Guard Pacific's triple star
From the shafts of strife and war,
Make her praises heard afar,
God defend New Zealand.

The new, new New Zealand Anthem:

God of Nations- lots of sheep,
What the fuck you fucking *BLEEP*,
Help us stop water creep,
God extend our free land.
Guard the Pacific's shruken star
From reducing too bloody far,
Make enough room to park a car
God extend New Zealand.

1:08 AM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear 'Fellas'

1. That new anthem is 'pretty ill' even though it makes a bit of light about what is a bloody serious issue for 400 million New Zealanders most of whom are by now probably dead.

2. Man, how sweet is geology.

Yours Sincerely
IOYC Global Resources Inc.

3:05 AM  

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