Tuesday, June 14, 2005

TWO WORDS 'HOLY SHIT'

You better sit down on something super comfortable because this is probably the most shocking Scoop EVER on this Web Site.

"DUDE I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO PASS OUT"

Oh get a fucking grip, I haven't even said it yet. But, here it is:

Erosion

"GULP"

Word. The thing is, basically the whole of the World is being destroyed by Erosion all day every day including RIGHT NOW. The only thing that is safe from Erosion is:

1. A Reinforced Steel Beam
2. Ideas
3. The Inner Core of the Earth / Magma

I have been unable to sleep worrying about this shit. Of course, the first thing I did was find out exactly how Erosion works, what it is etc. Check this:


'How can Science be so Fucked!?'

The unfortunate fact is that Erosion is totally unstoppable. Unless we could find a way to stop Wind, etc, imagine how hard that would be and it would probably mean an end to life as we know it [Just think through the implications].

"HOW LONG DO WE HAVE LEFT I AM PRAYING FOR MY LIFE"

Not long, according to Erosion Scientists. They are busy every day making graphs to stop Erosion in its tracks, but it isn't working. Here's a typical Erosion Graph:


'It's worse than I thought'

I'm sorry to have to bring this up. I just wish it was April Fool's Day or some shit, IT ISN'T. I'm going to do everything in my power to join the fight to stop Erosion. If you don't want to that's fine but you'll probably be sorry when we're all living on 'a little dot'.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude this is not good. Since reading this I have totally broken out into hives and chewed my fingers down to bleeding stubs. The shopping list has been updated to include duct tape, black plastic and 12 gallon barrels of purified water. Please please please return to normal programming ... more stuff like Cornwall, yoga and oil rigs. It can't be all doom and gloom out there surely?

Yours, Gibbering Mess.

7:02 PM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Gibbering

I can totally understand where you are coming from - did you see that I had accidentally written the whole Erosion Article / Story out fucking Twice!! I had to DELETE one.

That kind of 'Industrial Strength Fuckup' has never happened on this Web Site before. You don't need to be a Psychological Genius to see I am freaked out to the Max.

I'm going to try and calm down by doing a LOT of research about which Thermos is the best, where did Thermoses come from, etc. Also the difference between a Deer and a Moose (WHAT IS IT??)

Yours Sincerely,
IOYC Planning and Environment Directorate

2:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Take heed of this warning... wouldn't want you to make the same mistake when the world essplodes from erosion.

Soon After The Invention of the Thermos...
One day Ken is sitting in his house when the doorbell unexpectedly rings.
He answers the door and finds a salesman standing on his porch with a
strange object.
"What is that?" Ken asks.
"It's a thermos," the salesman replies.
"What does it do?" asks Ken.
"This baby," the salesman says, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
After some deliberation Ken buys one, deciding it would really help his
lunch situation. The next day he arrives at work with his Thermos. Sure
enough, all his coworkers are curious about his new object.
"What is it?" they ask.
"It's a thermos," Ken replies.
"What does it do?" they ask.
"Well," Ken says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold."
"So, what do ya got in it?"
To which Ken says, "Three cups of coffee and a lemon Popsicle."

and thermos, look: a loosely disguised anagram of "mothers" definitely something oedipal in the naming there.

Sincerely yours,
thermos-loving-kate

4:53 AM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Thermos-Loving,

That fuckup by Ken would NOT have happened if he did more research about Thermoses, it just stands to Reason. They can't achieve everything, even though it might seem like they can to an observer especially a basically retarded one (I'M REFERRING TO KEN).

To be honest I'm pretty confused about this shit.

Yours Sincerely,
IOYC & Associates

5:07 AM  
Blogger Margarita said...

*Bites thumb*

*Thinks happy thoughts.. gets stuck with strange looking creatures trying to balance on a unicycle balanced on a dot*

IM IN (saving the planet with you)

5:10 AM  
Blogger thr said...

While I'm sure Sass has her heart in the right place- no world saving will be going on in tandem with IOYC- there are somethings a man must do alone, etc.

In short his camel will have to do needlework in a stack of hay- Right. Fucking. Now.

6:07 AM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Sass and Thomas Arrgh

There's an avalanche of correctness going on in here. I just have to find out, for myself, if it's TOO FUCKING LATE for the entire planet or if everything's going to be totally fine, what's the problem etc.

This is some 'full time shit', but I'm not fazed.

Kind regards,
IOYC Funds Management Ltd

6:52 AM  
Blogger thr said...

wot he said.

5:48 AM  
Anonymous Horse Drawn Zepplin said...

A TAFE teacher of mine (not the one who taught Concrete, a different one) was very big on gabions. I believe they can help stop erosion. You should check them out

9:30 PM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Horse Drawn

Sorry dude, nothing can stop Erosion. Gabions just make it worse actually. Can you get a refund for that shit, is it 'too late'!?

Yours Sincerely,
IOYC Claims Management

2:21 AM  

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