Thursday, June 30, 2005

IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERRE

Hold up.

HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE <----- I just wanted to see how many more 'R's I could put in there before it got stupid! I reckon I could still put more.

Ok the deal is - Every once in a while I'll just straight up set myself on Fire. Right now I'm smoldering away like a giant human furnace, 'boy is it hot'.

"YOUR FLESH MUST BE CHARRED SO MUCH YOU STUPID LUMP OF COAL"

Actually it isn't, because I am totally fireproof. I discovered this when I first set myself on Fire, what seems like hundreds of years ago (but was actually only One hundred years ago). So when you normally think of Fire as being something that destroys things, I just think of it like 'something to pass the time, ho-hum'.


'An example of Fire being used to destroy Wood'

Once I just went up and lit somebody else with a Fire, as kind of an experiment, 'Misguided Youth' etc. It went a bit shit, as I chose a non-fireproof person, and they quickly turned into a cinder and 'whaddya know', a Corpse. There's simply no way of knowing whether someone is fire-proof or not until they are actually blazing away like a..um...Fire.

Luckily, nobody even asked any questions, 'don't want to get involved' and so on, which is pretty a pretty sad thing for Society. It's like people became really Remorseless towards others. So that's one lesson I learned out of the Fire business - 'Don't Trust Society'. I'm so hanging to learn other lessons out of it!! Once I have put myself out.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go and file my latest Income Tax Return before I get like, the BIGGEST fine.

13 Comments:

Blogger Freelancer said...

OTHER LESSONS IOYC CAN LEARN FROM DISCOVERING THE HIDDEN TALENT OF BEING ABLE TO SET HIMSELF ON FIRE #1

Get a job in a crematorium/funeral parlour, IOYC. You'd be really popular. Just like Paris and Nicole.

For the standard grievers, you could just take their loved ones away and burn them like only you know how - BUT - for those who don't want their deceased's funeral to be a sad occasion but instead want it to be a celebration of their life, you could really turn up the heat and provide some light entertainment. I recommend doing the "OK! Now, before I burn your loved one to a crisp, I'm gonna demonstrate this thing on myself!!!!" act. Announce it (see above) then lie down in a coffin and have a bikini-clad assistant roll you into the said burninator. After about 20 minutes, the smiling assistant will open the doors and you will emerge from the smouldering cinders that were once an oak coffin, with a platter of wood-fire oven mini pizzas - to thunderous applause.

Now, that's hot.

6:49 AM  
Blogger Adam said...

Following on from this brilliant idea, you could also make some money. [Money is useful in purchasing services or products]

You organise a viking like burial funeral pyre place (everyone would be up for it). Before the body is burnt and everyone is gathered around, hide next to the body.

As the body and their worldly possessions are set on fire (to transport them to the next life), you hang tight. When the fire becomes all firey, you just pop up (pretending to be the deceased) and just politely say
"Excuse me everyone, before I travel to Valhalla, could my estate, bonds and fully sick cars all be left to IOYC. Thanks"

Then you can lie back down and engage in Relaxation for a bit until everyone goes away.

You could earn like $50,000 per annum as a funeral director but trillions if not millions as a Being in Wills person.

3:45 PM  
Blogger Book Book Cheep Cheep said...

Return to Cinder?

5:52 PM  
Blogger fluffy said...

Bookbook, that was apalling.

You're Fired.

9:22 PM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Dudes

These are some good ideas but please think through the Moral Implications, it's a bit like the Surviving Explosions, once people find out about it there is so much probability it will be used for Evil (by Wrongdoers).

I still might do it though!

Kind Regards,
IOYC Adenosine Tri-Phosphate, The Fuel of Cells

3:30 AM  
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Anonymous Vent Free Fireplace said...

Black Wind, Fire and Steel ,My Home need a better way to heat the house,I am burn some wood,since now prices have gone thru the roof and with the high cost of energy I have started a site about Outdoor Gas Fireplace is where I purchased a wood burning stove .
Anyway enjoyed you blog IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERRE , BYE!!

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