Sunday, April 30, 2006


Yo, like 'Good Morning'.

I tell you what's difficult these days, dressing in a way that explains to the General Public your own personal realness. People are approaching me (pretty warily) saying like 'Ayo IOYC, which Hat / Denim / Furious Axe of Destiny should I wield to Hillary's Garden Soiree or whatever'. What am I, some kind of Agony Aunt? (NB: I would probably be fucking good at this). I think it's because the Fashion Police are everywhere, ratting on their neighbours through a network of informants just like we were behind the Iron Curtain of Ancient Prussia.

'No Shit'

So to save precious time I made up a compendium of basically heaps of bullshit, read it if you want, sif I care I'm so busy making plans for things that will happen in the future to even give two shits about the present.


HAIR: Should be worn Short, with a hint of anger and some big fat trimmings. Inspiration for this season is from the Indonesian Martial Art of Silat, now defunct (beaten by Kung Fu).

SHOE: Ayo fuck a shoe, just wear a Sandal that says 'Hey - if you fuck with me I will forcibly take off this Sandal and cram it straight into your eye sockets, then we'll see (or more accurately you will NOT see) who is fucking with who'.

INK: Everyone should have a big tatt of say a stick of Gelignite exploding into a million pieces.

What's Hot For 2006

- Dressing as a Theme
- Tuning an Instrument
- A Desolate Wasteland inhabited only by The Wretched of the Earth


What do you think about all of this? Don't shit me by just reprinting it on the cover of every single damn magazine like some childish prank.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


Now I've gone and done it - I'm officially too fucking massive to even leave my Gymnasium.

'We have massive Inferiority Complexes regarding IOYC's fucking Ridiculous bulk'

What happened was, I was pumping so much iron, just shitloads of it, thinking 'Man, am I ever going to be the biggest and most well toned Journalist ever following this Epic Session', when I suddenly realised if I did just one more single 'rep' (repetition) I would not be able to fit through the Door to the outside world.


Oh yeah - I did that 'rep' (repetition). Hereby follows a brief list of the pros and cons of that shit:


- Courage
- Ultra-handsome, if you like that kind of thing (WHO DOESN'T)
- Could probably punch an Oxen across a Plain
- So chilled out, almost impossibly so


- Stuck in Gymnasium
- Weigh more than a Bus
- Clothing can't fit without tearing into worthless shreds
- Totally emotionless (is all my Dopamine in my fucking Torso?)
- Some serious problems with Genitals that I won't go into here (summary: HOLY SHIT)

Question is, what the fuck am I going to do now. Are there any jobs that can be done while massive and stuck in a gym?

Don't say 'Pumping Iron'.