YOU PROBABLY THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING*

*About Concrete

Well, I really doubt it.

Don't be offended / 'fucking cut up', because I felt the same way until I had a big meeting with every single member of the Concrete Society (U.K.).

These dudes know Concrete like the back of their hands, which isn't surprising as the backs of their hands are usually COVERED in Concrete (residue).


'Concrete Society Members / Application In Progress building a whole fucking Circle out of Concrete'

The most common topic of conversation at meetings of the Concrete Society is, what's the difference between Concrete and Cement. This is some controversial shit, as the difference hasn't been totally decided yet. The Concrete Society is roughly split into two camps on this issue:

1. Concrete Society cats that are down with Cement.
2. 'I HATE CEMENT, GET IT OUT OF THIS SOCIETY but sometimes it's alright / useful'.

You'd be surprised at how fired up people get over this. Once, an Application in Progress of the Concrete Society built a whole building out of Cement, unbeknownst to the Society. When they found out, the shit really hit the fan!! His Application was marked 'Rejected'.

"GOD DAMN, THESE DUDES LIVE, BREATHE AND EAT CONCRETE"

Check this shit, Phil Bates is so concerned with Decorative Concrete he spent hours posting this on the Concrete Society Message Board (internet):

"Decorative Concrete
I would think that this subject is of some interest for some but I think decorative concrete will die a suden death. its been around for a long time with no real stabilaty. Blocks are the safer bet as we know what to expect.
If any one can show me other wise then lets call it a day."

That's some heavy shit.

REQUIRED READING (FOR 'TAX MINIMISATION')

These days, I'm making what can only realistically be described as a 'Metrical Shitbox' of money. And one thing I'm totally sick of, is paying up to 96% of it in Levies to various Governments. I'm right the fuck into tax Minimisation, and have tried any number of strategies from setting up a Charity for Disabled to opening a whole new school. Needless to say, this didn't work for shit.

So, it's a stroke of luck / research that help is now at hand in the form of the world's most Detailed and Correct Guide to Tax Havens.


'A Plane is flying out of a Safe, that kind of shit happens on a daily basis if you are Rich'

The Guide is called Tax Havens of The World (New 1999 7th Edition)

Check this review, I didn't edit one word of this:

comments from a Certified Public Account, with offices in Newton, Mass., and Providence R.I.
"I don't know where to begin describing my happiness with the purchase of Tax Havens of the World. I have devoured every word of the book already, twice. What shocks me is the detail and accuracy of your boo. I have asked tax lawyers everywhere the same topics, and the only answer I get is that ... offshore is not possible ... and I don't do any. Great Answer."

"IF THE BOOK IS AS GOOD AS THAT REVIEW SAYS IT IS, I WILL DEAD SET CRAP MYSELF"

Been there, done that.

Check the Autobiography of the author, Thomas Azzara:

"When I'm not working on my newsletter, or with a client, I'm out swimming, diving or sport fishing in the sunny, tax-free Bahamas."


'Thomas Azzara (centre)'
Photo: Fraud Investigators

WIN A DOOR!

Check it, people keep complaining that there aren't enough competitions on here. So I decided to change all that, and now you can Win a Door!

And not just any door. This Tent Glass Screen Door:


'The Perfect Door'

"DUDE, HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THIS SHIT ARE YOU MADE OF MONEY"

Haha, dude! Of course not, that would mean I would be Dead due to Organs. The truthful answer is I took out a fucking massive loan. Luckily, I have hired a Law Clerk to ensure that everything is 'shit-shape'. Their advice was as follows:


'The Law is so complex, but you have reduced it to three simple points, you are a great Law Clerk'

I guess the obvious question most people are asking is:

1. How do I win this Door.
2. What use is it.

In answer, the best things you could do with the Door are:

1. Use it as a door, to a Room or some shit.
2. Invite people round to look at it ('Holy Shit, that's such a sweet Door, I am becoming flustered looking at, totally inappropriate as I am your Mum / Brother').
3. Just fucking throw it away like it ain't a thing.

Don't waste any time in entering this competition becuase it's not going to run forever, sooner or later someone will win the Door and if it isn't you, you will ONLY HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to a Church to pray.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON 22-25 SEPTEMBER 2005 (CAN IT BE CANCELLED / POSTPONED)

I'm probably the busiest person in the Earth. But my calendar is totally wiped on the days 22-25 September 2005 because I'd rather smash my nuts off than miss the Hermanus Whale Festival.

[EDIT: there used to be a picture here, of the sign for the Whale Festival. But the Hermanus people took it away! Don't they WANT MY SUPPORT BLOODY]

If you want to see a Whale in a Festival setting, you will NOT be disappointed / angry. Apparently there will be Whales pretty much everywhere during this Festival. They are very festive animals and Hermanus for them is like THE place to appear and stay, during the Festival period.

"IS NATANIEL GOING TO BE THERE, I WILL FUCKING EXPLODE IF HE IS"

You 'betcha'. Who is Nataniel.


'Nataniel'

The internet says:

"Nataniel is one most talented cabaret performers South Africa has ever seen, his stage personality and vocal range has made him the icon that every body knows today."

It's almost redundant to describe that shit as: 'WOW'.

In case you can handle even one more tiny piece of excitement, cop this in your grill. Also taking place at Hermanus will be:

THE PRINCE & PRINCESS OF WHALES COMPETITION

'Calling all Princes and Princesses. The search is on for young Royals to preside over activities at this year’s Hermanus Whale Festival. In addition to big prizes for finalists in the Prince and Princess of Whales competition, all entrants will embark on a six-month Life Skills programme that will open doors for them in the future.'

Open doors? More like blow them right the fuck off their hinges.

You better book this shit right now.

I'VE MET MY MATCH

Ayo, check it. This is a rough fucking day here, due to the fact that I've just totally met my match at the hands of probably the sickest dude on the planet. I know what you are probably thinking, 'Holy Shit, is this actually happening how could anyone even come close to this shit', totally understandable as that's what I was thinking right up until the moment I decided to fuck with the realness that is Jeff Probst.


'You do NOT want a piece of this, I value my privacy and am notoriously difficult to interview'

As a Journalist I have to ask the tough questions and I really just wanted to find out more about this dude and what makes / made him tick. I asked around the 'Press Club', all they could tell me was:

1. 'Dude, once I tried to interview Jeff Probst and now I have no arms (he ripped them off!! [!!!])'
2. 'You're crazy'
3. 'Those other guys are totally correct plus I HATE YOU'

Naturally I thought, fuck this. I can handle it.

"ARE YOU THE BRAVEST JOURNALIST ALIVE"

The jury is still out. But, here's the transcript for those of you with IRON STOMACHS.

IOYC: Jeff Probst, how are you going dude?
JEFF PROBST: THE PROBST GOT MAD SKILLS, THE PROBST DROP MAD BILLS.
IOYC: Holla.
JEFF PROBST: YOU DON'T HOLLA AT THE PROBST, YOUR FAMILY IS DEAD SET FUCKED AS OF RIGHT NOW.
IOYC: Back off Probst, I don't want to take you down but I will. Can you fuck with this?

[...indistinct scuffling...]

JEFF PROBST: I AM THE REALNESS.
IOYC: ...
JEFF PROBST: SAY IT MOTHERFUCKER, THE PROBST IS THE REALNESS!
IOYC: ...

[Interview terminated]

I JUST ATE A MASSIVE PREHISTORIC FISH

How many times have you wished you could eat something from the History of Earth?

"SHITLOADS OF TIMES, WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT"

A fair enough reaction! Hold onto your hat/s, because I just straight up ate an entire Leedsichthys problematicus, which until now Science thought was limited to existing 150 million years ago. That's so long ago it's almost ridiculous that I could eat one in this day and age.


'My mouth is open to illustrate shock and I am also the fish in question, dope Synergy'

The story of how I found let alone completely ate this whole monster of the deep is so insane I have already optioned it to like Steven Spielberg and some other dudes. They went apeshit over this shit. I can't tell you about it without smashing a Confidentiality Agreement, but rest assured you will be exploded with 'WTF' / 'Holy Shit I read about this fish story on that Web Page' when you cop this in Summer 2006.

My stomach has never been so bloated with Prehistory / Excitement.

YOU SAY 'SHOES', THEY SAY 'I HAVE A DIFFERENT IDEA (TO THAT)'

It's not even an issue that people really like to wear shoes. How else do you explain a shoe shop.

"IT WOULD BE A TOTAL LOSS IF PEOPLE DIDN'T LIKE ITS PRODUCTS"

Do you have a Doctor of Smart, because it's like you're reading my mind.

"HOHOHO"

Hahaha!

Moving on, what this shit is about is:

There is a 'sect' or 'cult' of people who hate wearing shoes and in fact can't even stand to be in the same room as the letter 'S'. They are called the Society for Barefoot Living and have been an Incorporated Society since approximately 1994 A.D. (I'm not a Historian of this Society).

Their internet contains all kind of photos and explanations of how to not wear shoes. Including, a list of things to say if people ask Why aren't you Wearing Shoes?

(Suggested answer from List: 'Why aren't you wearing gloves [hat]?')


'Guess what this car doesn't contain? SHOES.'

Check their FAQ:

Q14: What about public restrooms, i.e., urine?
Many medical researchers, unlike most of us, know that far from being a dirty body-waste, fresh, normal urine is actually sterile and is an extraordinary combination of some of the most vital and medically important substances known to man.

These guys really live on the borderline between 'chill out man they are harmless and have a positive message' and 'WTF!?!?'. I've got nothing against them but I think they should put some fucking shoes on.

HOLY SHIT, A LIVE REPORT FROM HONG KONG

I tell you what, I am in Hong Kong right this second and people here are not reacting well to the Official declaration that their Special Administrative Region 'SUCKS' (IOYC et al, 2005).


'I hope the destination of this tram is The Fuck Out of Hong Kong'

I've been asked so many questions by shocked local Government Officials and others, the most common being:

1. Are you real.
2. WTF, our Special Administrative Region SUCKS!!??
3. Did you see that guy's trousers, classic (laughs).

I just don't know what to say to these questions, I look around and can plainly see that the place SUCKS. Should I just bloody tell them, to their faces. Sometimes being a respected and 'hotshot' Journalist is so difficult I almost don't want to do it, it's only my dedication to the truth at all costs that keeps me going.

"HANG IN THERE DUDE, I'D PROBABLY KILL MYSELF IF YOU STOPPED THIS SHIT FOR EVEN A DAY"

Thanks, that means a lot.

POACHING GAME ISN'T A GAME

Do you like poaching? I'd suggest you back the fuck up. Because as of today / recently, if you poach even the world's tiniest fish, a Game Warden is gonna be on your ass faster than you can say 'OH SHIT'.

A Game Warden hates nothing more than to see a dead animal (that was killed illegally). It wrecks their whole day, especially if they never, ever catch the perpetrator.


'Check out this dead eagle, I am disgusted with this shit'

The realness: Camouflage. A Game Warden could hide in the jungle for a week watching you assess the prospect of poaching animals, you wouldn't even know he was there. Then he would pop up! Say hello to being arrested or at least cautioned.

I wouldn't even think about not listening to a Game Warden dressed in his / her uniform of overalls and about 40 guns, knives etc.

Being a Game Warden can get pretty hectic. It's a lot of time where you basically deal with just animals and perpetrators. You have to keep your mind on the job at ALL TIMES otherwise motherfuckers will be poaching on your turf while you are distracted.


'You think I am distracted by this shit, my mind is on protecting Game why aren't you wearing a shirt'

Famous Game Wardens like Terry Hodges (author of Predators etc) are often writing books to tell the wider public about what the story is with Game Wardening. This is how I found out about it (I didn't find out through poaching). And after reading every single book on the subject I could get my hands on (3) I sure as hell will never even poach one thing in the future.

YOU THOUGHT I WAS FULL OF SHIT ABOUT THE ADVERTISING

Holla. I need money just like every other person in the entire world (even a Corpse) to fund my extravagant lifestyle. So for my next advertising promotion I totally want you to hire / pay David Cain, Juggler for Jesus.

It's not some bullshit, he has been personally endorsed by Jesus*.

*Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Look closely:


"Could a Muslim do this shit?"

From his incredible internet:

"David Cain is a full-time Christian juggler known as the Juggler for Jesus.  He  has been a professional juggler for 21 years and has developed a program that uses juggling, comedy, and audience participation to share God's Word and the gospel in a creative and memorable way. If you are planning a youth meeting, retreat, Vacation Bible school, unique worship service, Sunday school class, outreach, festival, luncheon, dinner, banquet, or any other type of event, David can provide a program to make the occasion even more special. These programs are appropriate for any age, from preschoolers to senior citizens. David Cain’s presentation is recognized as a highly effective means of sharing Biblical stories and messages pertaining to topics such as evangelism, Bible study, prayer, sin, faith, Christian living, and of course, the plan of salvation. David’s Christian juggling program can last from ten minutes to two hours, based on your needs."

I believe that water baptism and the Lord's Supper are ordinances to be observed by the Church during the present age. They are, however, not to be regarded as means of salvation.

-- David Cain

"I COULDN'T AGREE MORE WITH THIS JUGGLING MOTHERFUCKER'S INTERPRETATION OF BIBLES"

That makes two of us.

IT'S OFFICIAL: HONG KONG SUCKS

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS*

*because you don't understand it yet.

Ok, so I'm like a totally big Scientist, I use Science all the time to make graphs and a laboratory. But guess what - you can use Science to tell you how to perform every basic task (in the manner of a Guide) in order to totally revolutionise your life.

"WHAT THE SHIT!?"

It's called SCIENCEOLOGY and is apparently a Big Deal in some countries where heaps of people are right the fuck into science. In case you don't know what SCIENCEOLOGY is all about, who better to show you than me. Because I know shitloads about it now.

Peep this:

According to SCIENCEOLOGY, your life begins at a set of totally un-scientific crossroads.


"I could totally fuck this up if I choose the wrong one"

Most people do.

Which is almost a tragedy, because if you take a Science approach, it's pretty easy to see that:

1. Your body is made up of like a wavy line and shit.


"Dude, you are touching my wavy line and I am experiencing pleasure in my THETAN"

"WTF IS A THETAN"

Armed with this basic information, it's easy to lead a more Scientific life. You'll be totally equipped to take absolutely no shit and to tell people what you think:


"I AIN'T NO HOLLA BACK GIRL"


"YOU'VE RUINED OUR FAMILY WITH THIS PIANO SHIT"

I reckon it's tops.

WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF IN THE FUTURE

I did some calculations, and to my shock and delight realised that if there's say 6.5 billion people in the world, that makes at LEAST 305 billion wrists. Shithouse if you make say, pocket watches, but good news for wrist enthusiasts (Hi Darren and family) and also makers of A Yellow Wrist Band.


Drawing of some dude's hand (nb: could be a chick)

"DAMN, SWEET WRIST BAND ON THAT DUDE / (CHICK)"

You're telling me!

I've seen around 12 people wearing these just in this sparsely populated room. I think it's some kind of mind control device or just a run of the mill knob detector.

EDIT: I have been informed by a kindly gent (in the Gents) that the A Yellow Wrist Band is actually a cure for 'macterial cancer', which is apparently a type of disease. I've not heard of it, and certainly hope that it isn't caused by the A Yellow Wrist Band Company in an effort to make more bloody money. Don't they have enough?

VANSTONE IS ALL UP IN MY INBOX

I tell you what, email correspondence doesn't get much more out of control than that which I have received this morning from Australian Immigration Minister Mandy Vanstone.

"SHIT - IS THERE ANYONE WHO ISN'T IN YOUR GRILL 24/7!?!"

Tell me about it.

I'm just going to go ahead and quote it in full.

-------------------

Dear IOYC,

Check my recent snap. I'll level with you one on one here, I have been getting a lot of shit about this. Please confirm that I am still the realness, as you know what time it is.



Your old pal,


Mandy

-------------------

I mean, WHAT THE HELL. As if I don't have enough to worry about without people I have never even met or indeed seen writing me stuff like this. I don't give a flying fuck about your wardrobe problems 'Mandy', but frankly if you are asking me for an assessment right here and now I would have to say:

NO STARS.

SPOTLIGHT ON: RE-INSURANCE

If you've got a weak bladder, better hit up the toilet right now because after reading this you'll be struggling not to just piss everywhere in joy/fear, that's how much I guarantee the realness that is RE-INSURANCE.

Insurance is a pretty big deal, but what about RE-INSURANCE? Most people don't even know about it, until now. Pictures are easier to understand than words, so check this:


The type of absolutely no bullshit negotiating that RE-INSURANCE Wizards do without batting an eyelid.

"ARE YOU 'TRIPPIN', I ALREADY HAVE INSURANCE"

Is something wrong with your comprehension skills. Because RE-INSURANCE is almost nothing like insurance. Only the names are similar (note the 'Re-'). A top RE-INSURANCE Wizard will take your regular old insurance and just flip it like you wouldn't believe, until it is almost unrecognisable as insurance. That's when you know you've got the mindblowing protection of RE-INSURANCE.


WTF? RE-INSURANCE is even in China.

You might be thinking 'Yes, but you haven't even explained what RE-INSURANCE is!!'. I think you'll find this more than meets your alarming needs:



Anyway, if you want to contact me about the possibility of getting RE-INSURANCE, don't feel you need to wait for an opportune time. I'm pretty much thinking about it 24 hours a day.

MEET A BLOODY SHERRIFF!

Literally this minute I walked in the door from having a really big interview with Sherriff Richard Ingram.

"OH SNAP"


The one and only Sherriff of Churchill County totally sitting at a desk like he does normally.
Photo: Reuters / AAP

You're probably thinking about what the hell it would be like to step into his shoes for even five seconds. Could you do it? Maybe after reading this interview you'll be better equipped to answer that question, and also just damn pumped up to have learned more about one of the best Sherriffs in the 'business' (Sherriffstry).

IOYC: Hola Sherrif Ingram, habla Espanol?
RI: Si.
IOYC: Awesome.
RI: (Laughs).
IOYC: Could we get back on track for a second, what has been your highlight so far as Sherriff.
RI: One time I completely saved the whole of Churchill County from being killed by a tornado of crime.
IOYC: Sounds amazing!
RI: It was actually extremely traumatic for me and my family can we please edit this bit out later.
IOYC: Do you want to stop the interview for a while.
RI: (Laughs).

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO: NECK BRACES

Back in the days when car accidents were hugely popular, you'd see people in neck braces almost everywhere you went. Shopping, a bank, on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday to Britain. Now you'd be lucky to see one in a history book devoted entirely to the history of neck braces.

In case you've justifiably forgotten:


(not to scale)

I don't even shy from asking the tough question: Why aren't there neck braces around any more. Is it to do with the Da Vinci Code.



???????????????????????????????????

I can't even write enough question marks for how puzzled I am about this.

A CRIME AGAINST MAN AND NATURE

It's hard to say whether or not this is the worst thing ever to happen to anyone, ever.



As if that wasn't enough to ensure you never sleep again, LOOK AT THIS (below)



I've run this by a number of Translation Services and it turns out the speech bubble says "I QUESTION THE NATURE OF EXISTENCE".

HARROWING

POPE ENDORSES JUDO BAN (FROM HEAVEN)

Holy shit, as if things weren't already heated enough in the (now ILLEGAL) world of Judo, the fucking OLD POPE THAT JUST DIED has appeared in Heaven and issued a prepared statement as follows:

"I'm so happy to discover that a complete ban on Judo has been achieved. Although I am sad that this shit didn't happen in my lifetime, just knowing that the world is now a Judo Free Zone is actually better than being in Heaven. God also totally agrees with me."

It literally doesn't get any more IN YOUR FACE than that.



I guess the next question everyone will be asking is 'Hi - how do I possibly fight people in self defence without using my thirty-six years of (now totally USELESS) Judo training."

All I can recommend is to invest in some SERIOUS RE-TRAINING:



or one of these:



"HEY THAT'S JUST A MOBILE TELEPHONE / CELL PHONE"

Good one idiot, because it's actually a TASER STUN GUN:

"Cleverly designed right into a regular cell phone body, this authentic looking 180,000 volt stun gun with personal alarm gives you a tactical advantage. Your suddenly dazed and disoriented attacker won't realize until it's too late that your 'cell phone' is actually a powerful self defense weapon! You'�ll have ample time to escape or get help."

I like those odds!*

[*odds removed by Editor]

ATTN: WTF? RE: WTF? / JUDO BANNED!? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT

Stop whatever you are doing and prepare to be shocked, because it seems that JUDO has been totally BANNED.

This makes a massive change from earlier times when you couldn't even walk down the street in broad daylight without copping some of this shit:



People have been asking me all night and some of the morning:

"Holy shit what do you think about the fact that Judo has been comprehensively BANNED"

ANSWER:

I for one am glad of the ban, what's the point of Judo if you just want to go about your business without being flipped around by a Judo Practitioner trolleyed off his / her face with an axe to grind.

One person who will be "really fucking pissed off!!" about this is Judo Master Frank Devlin:



We can only hope that he doesn't illegally use Judo to "waste" every single Man, Woman and Child in the Executive branch of Government (responsible for the ban).

TELEVISUAL

Subtitled: 'Big Brother'

Only a severe retard wouldn't have heard of this show on television at the moment. I have been asked to provide an assessment of it, and won't even waste any time in getting to the point:



TOO MANY FUCKING HOTDOGS

AN ADVERTISING FEATURE

Most people have written to me asking why there is no advertising on this site yet. Questions have ranged from: 'Why is there no advertising I love it more than my own children.' to the more common 'What.'

To rectify, I have decided to periodically advertise things which I would like people to buy. This to me is an idea even more congruent than the following triangles:



As proven by:



"HOLY SHIT HE TOTALLY JUST Q.E.D.'d US"




So, the first thing you might like to buy is the book
How To Build A Corpse
Easy Step-by-Step Instructional Manual



According to its accredited Promoter,

"This Step By Step Manual includes options for installing Lights into the eye sockets, cabling the mouth to open and close using a cable controlled handle and Life Casting. All materials can be bought at local Hardware and Hobby stores. If your favorite Hobby store doesn't supply some of the needed materials then you may have to visit a Theatrical Supply Shop or even your local dentist.

You don't need any prior experience or great artistic talent. This manual will guide you through each process, step by step, giving you many tricks and techniques along the way to help ensure your corpse is realistic in every detail."

It's only 19.95 USA Dollars why would you pay more than this

Please note the following:

-- According to the Promoter's questions, "The corpses are designed to be very durable so they can be handled and moved around without any problems. They can be hung by the neck without any damage."

and for crying out loud:

-- "WARNING: Displaying a corpse in public may break some County laws."

Why don't you just bloody buy it right now.

RIGHT IN TO THE DANGER ZONE

You probably think a farm is good. ie:

IOYC: Is a farm good?

You: Yes! Of course is this a trick.

But let's see what happens if I ask a Representative of the Ohio State University (dept. Food, Agricultural and Biological Engineering):

IOYC: Hello. Thankyou for talking to me. Is a farm good?

Representative: (thinks for a moment). Provisional NO.

You: (listening on the other line) You better explain yourself a little better, Representative AS I FUCKING LOVE FARMS.

Representative: I suggest you look at the 'Fact Sheet' entitled 'Barnyard Drowning AEX-995-97' by my colleagues Dee Jepsen, Dawn Handrosh and Thomas L. Bean.

IOYC: I have an edited copy of it handy, thankyou for your time Representative.

Representative: This has been confusing and now I am sad. GOOD BYE.

[awkward silence]

Without further ado, THE FACT SHEET*

*edited highlights

Farms are great places to visit. Think about a typical farm with animals, a pond and fun things to explore. Have you ever thought about places you could drown on a farm? Drowning is the third leading cause of death to children 0-14 years of age.

One area on farms you can drown is in liquid manure. Manure, unlike water, is heavy and will drag your body to the bottom. Farmers usually store liquid manure in pits, slurry storage tanks or lagoons. A pit storage unit is located under the barn and can only be entered through a manhole. You should not play in or around these manholes. If you were to fall in, nobody would hear you except the animals.

Liquid manure can also be stored in lagoons. Many people mistake a lagoon for a pond because they look very similar. The danger with a lagoon is the manure creates a crust on the top that may appear safe. If you were to walk across the top, the weight of your body will cause the crust to break. There is not much of a chance you could survive in the heavy manure.

Grain drowning is a common type of solid drowning which can occur on farms. It may be fun to jump in the grain or even bury yourself, but this kind of play is very dangerous. Flowing grain acts like quicksand. Once you start to sink it is impossible for you to dig your way to the top. As you dig, the grain keeps shifting under your feet, pushing you deeper towards the bottom. It only takes 3 to 4 seconds for an adult to become helpless in grain and only 20 seconds for an adult to become totally covered. You are smaller in size so it takes less time for you to become covered in the grain. Just riding in gravity wagons from the fields to the bins can be deadly. As the gravity wagon hits bumps, the grain will shift around your body. You could be buried alive before arriving at the bin.

Drowning is a serious farm hazard. Knowing where and how drowning accidents happen is important. Protect your friends and younger brothers or sisters from these areas. Tell them to never play near ponds, liquid manure, grain bins or gravity wagons. Play safe and be responsible.

HOW TO EAT IN ACCORDANCE

People are often not asking me 'what should I eat in order to be successfully both healthy and The Bible'

I am usually stuck for an answer, so I turned to some research. Here are my results in tabular format:

item one: THE Jordan S Rubin STORY

"After conventional and alternative medicine left him with little chance for survival, disease-wracked Jordan S. Rubin turned to the Bible for answers. He found much more than simple spiritual guidance in the pages of the world’s best-selling book.

Jordan founded Garden of Life and formulated its proprietary line of more than 30 nutritional formulas to support overall good health. He co-developed a proprietary probiotic fermentation process known as Poten-Zyme™"

This all sounds a bit 'incorrect' but I think you will change your tune to a different tune once you simply

LOOK at the RESULTS


[cue audio sting]

item two: WHAT Would Jesus Eat
subtitled,
The Ultimate Program for Eating Well, Feeling Great, and Living Longer
by Don Colbert

"Perhaps the most important step in learning how to follow Jesus' example and eat the way He ate can be summed up in two important questions. Ask yourself these two key questions about everything you eat today:

1. Why do I eat this?
2. Would Jesus eat this?"

I think these questions are some of the most important ever asked in the field of Bible Nutrition.

item three: The BAR of GOD*



[*not authorised name]

A FLYING START

WATCH in AWE as the GEORGE CLOONEY answers some questions relating to: What is going on here.

IOYC: HELLO the GEORGE CLOONEY.


GC: "..."

IOYC: PLEASE CONCENTRATE


GC: "I'm sorry I was thinking about something other than this task".

IOYC: I'LL LET IT SLIDE THIS TIME the CLOONEY. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS NEW WEBSITE


GC: "..."

IOYC: ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE THINKING ABOUT IT


GC: "..."

IOYC: WHAT IS GOING ON


GC: "..."

IOYC: HOW ABOUT YOU STOP FUCKING AROUND AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS


GC: "Hohoho"

IOYC: YOU BEST CHECK YOSELF


GC: "..."

IOYC: INTERVIEW TERMINATED

[editorial note: i think this went well but i won't be talking to mr the clooney again until he formally apologises for making a mockery of the entire process. i suggest you find the nearest one of his movies and break it, even if your neighbour has it or it's in a shop.]