NOT THIS AGAIN

Dear Readerships

In one hour I'm actually going on ANOTHER FUCKING HIATUS! But this is also doubling as a legitimate Journalistic Investigation Holiday of Discovering Facts to Report in Italy, Little Known Country.

Its duration will be 1 x Week. When I explode back on the scene it will be with a New Computer (!!) and so many fucking scoops / Cafe. Please don't kill everyone in a frenzy during this 'Week of Shitness', there's no Internet in Jail (YET).

Kind Regards,
IOYC Announces Record Profits for Third Consecutive Quarter

A BLAST FROM THE PAST

Over the last few days I've suddenly become probably the World's Foremost Expert on The Archaeology of History. History is such a growing field, there is so much new History being discovered every single day (b/c even more Past, etc). For example, did you know there is now a 1) History of the Pacific Ocean, 2) History of the Atlantic Ocean, 3) History of Great Tanks of 'WW2'??

"I'M IN A DAZE OF WONDERMENT"

F'real. What's left on my 'To Do List' is decide which area of History to specialise in to corner the Market and 'Make Out Like Bandits'. What I am thinking of right now is The History of Rustic Houses. Sounds fucked at first but cop this lesson plan:

Lesson One on The History of Rustic Houses
By IOYC, Massive Historian


'So Rustic'

1. Look at this dope Rustic House. Can you feel its History (in your Heart of Hearts)??

2. [IF YES]----------> Good! Next week: another Rustic House.

3. [IF NO]----------> Perhaps you should learn more about History and even read the fucking Reading Materials before coming here and wasting my oh so precious time you sycophant, GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!

Now, please don't be 'yelling this from the rooftops' because the last thing I want is a proliferation of cheap imitators jumping on the Rustic House Bandwagon, ruining my livelihood and sending me to a fucked up Life of Poverty. Won't somebody please think of the Children!! (That I might have one day)

SWEDEN HEATS UP (BY MEANS OF A DEVICE)

Ayo, this is true: Most of the time you just think of something as permanently 'hot' or 'cold'. There's simply no 'in-between' (Um, WARM).

"SHIT YEAH, THAT CONCEPT REALLY SITS WELL WITH ME"

Facts of life dude! This is especially a problem for countries that are really Cold, like Sweden. It's fucking hard for the Government to keep people living there, 'Let's move to Laos, etc, fuck this cold Country, we'll fit right in at Laos, I LOVE LAOS MORE THAN SWEDEN, SO MUCH MORE!! [!!]'


'I Dream Of Laos / Sweden's Hope of the Future (until now)'

Luckily and just in the nick of time, some dudes in Sweden came up with the idea of the Patented Heat Pump. What this shit does is literally pump 'hotness' from one place to another, through motherfucking Pipes and shit.


'It took all of us and this baby to invent a Heat Pump'

Since Sweden has been pumping Hotness into itself, the average happiness of its Residents has risen by 400% Only 165 Swedes have moved to Laos, and many of them for totally unrelated reasons, like 'lifestyle of Laos'.

I suppose you want to know 'how it works'. Pretty simple:


'Actual Product may Vary from etc etc'

The only problem is I'm pretty sure Patents are 'an intolerable form of outmoded monopoly rights with heinous consequences for the lives of the Developing World at the hands of Big Pharma shareholders'. So in closing, Fuck Patents!!

Caveat: Except the Heat Pump

A LITTLE BREAK OF POETRY

Check out this for something else, I made a poem ---> it's about Moths.

Moths
Subtitled: A Poem

Imagine a little old Moth
That is Furry and has Wings
Fluttering and shit
Pretty stupid
Fucking Moth: Let's Kill it!!



Do you think this is a good Change of Scene. I reckon it's fucking Ace!!

"KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK"

Thanks, but I doubt I'll do another one.

THE POT(TER) CALLING THE KETTLE OR SOME SHIT

If we could just pause for one second from our 'daily toil' to think and say STOP THE MADNESS about Beatrix Potter.

Beatrix Potter mania is everywhere these days, in books and film and all through Politics. 'My Fellow Politicians, [SOME BULLSHIT ABOUT BEATRIX POTTER!!]', who hasn't heard it. (Have I heard anything else lately, doesn't seem like it!)



Set in and around Dunkeld, Birnam and Inver, this is a story of the acquaintance of Beatrix Potter and a rural postman named Charles McIntosh, who were brought together by a common interest in fungi.

"I'VE GOT A COMMON INTEREST IN FUNGI"

'Well done'.

Now I'm all for Venerating Figures from History, but this has gone too far. The other day someone stopped me in the street and tried to sell me Beatrix Potter for One Hundred Thousand American Dollars. What do I want with that, storage space will be a problem for one, plus Morality of buying Beatrix Potter (Is it a Slave?).

I think we should all be focussing on more important things like:

1. International Treaties (eg Antarctica)
2. Famous People
3. Company Seals vs Actual Seals

Now, let's (please) have no more talk of Beatrix Potter for a while. It's nothing personal FUCK PETER RABBIT!! but think about how good it will be.

A SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT

Alright, it seems like I can't take a fucking step without being Detonated or some shit. With that in mind I've decided to become a One Man Vigilante Squadron to simply fuck up any Detonators before they can explode some Terrifying shit on themselves / others.

I'm not suggesting that I will be AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF HASTILY DISPENSED FRONTIER STYLE JUSTICE IN TOTAL DISREGARD FOR THE RULE OF LAW but it will probably be a bit like that, at least until I work out the best way to become 'Judge, Jury and Executive'.


'Holy Shit he's serious'

STICKING TO THE FORMULA / THEOREM (MATHS)

You might not believe this, but this is a Serious Question. People have been calling me (at HOME!!) yelling, 'HEY HEY HEY- who the fuck is that dude in your picture when you write messages to "The World at Large / Readership"!!??'

(Man, that was a tough sentence of Quotation Marks)

The answer is pretty simple: It's Kirk Girdle.


'Sup bitches'

The dude is pretty fucking famous in Maths and Formal Logic for coming up with what many regard as the illest Formula of all time. I personally wouldn't go that far 'that honour rests with blah blah blah or some shit'.

The Formula is known as Kirk Girdle's Incomplete Formula. Back in the day, some clowns tried to formalise all of Maths into a 'complete and consistent system of axioms and derived theorems'. That shit was doomed to fail but they wanted to do it anyway.


'Let's write a Principia Mathematica or some shit, nothing better to do ay, I'll smoke this Pipe when I'm done'

NB: Smoking Kills.

Explanation of the Formula:
NB: Don't worry if you don't understand this bit, just pretend you were thinking about something else (eg Infantries, The Colon [IN PUNCTUATION], Lamps).

Basically speaking, the Formula says:

x + 5 =

It's so simple yet really fucking Beguiling.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ANSWER TO THAT SHIT!"

Dude, nobody knows. That's the whole point. In fact it's impossible to work out the answer, you could have a calculator the size of a fucking bus and it would be a worthless piece of shit trying to work that Formula out.

And that is the revolutionary reason why Maths is Fucked.

(But people still do it anyway LOL)

A SHOUT OUT ABOUT SCOUTS

Hey - 'what's goin' down'?

Probably the most common question that weighs on me day and night is 'should I join the Scouts'. I even thought about it a lot on my Hiatus when I was meant to be in a state of Zen Oneness with the Universe or some shit. (NB: I was in this state for most of the Hiatus, there were just a few 'moments of weakness' where I fucked up and thought about things).

Now, I'm all in favour of Scouts, I think they are a good organisation. Almost 'fucking awesome' in so many respects. Where the hell else are you going to learn how to:

1. Read a Map
2. Fight for your life and freedom against an implacable enemy of Droids
3. Become a member of Scouts

"WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT, I AM SO CONVINCED. FUCK I AM CONVINCED!!"

You're feeling the sophistication of my arguments. Like a FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH!


'I'll take Questions from the Floor, Motherfuckers!!'

Back to Scouts - I have two problems that stop this from being a fait accompli (HOLY SHIT). First up I am just too old for that shit. I mean, it's for kids. What was I thinking (just seconds ago)!! Secondly, I'm worried about the abuse of kids in Scouts. Beatings, Slave Labour, 'subtle mental intimidation techniques undermining fragile developing sense of self' etc.

Wait up, the first one cancels out the second. I'm getting a badge so quick!? Damn, Scouts is already encouraging me to be competitive but also boost my 'personal motivation'.

A NOTE FROM THE DOCTOR (OF HOLIDAYS)

Guess what - I'm totally going on a Holiday of Hiatus! To like a Tropical Hellhole, or Arctic maybe. Just giving the biggest 'heads up' so there isn't the World's most Urgent Search Party assembled (ie a Waste of Resources).

"GREAT, WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO NOW"

What about like a hobby or some shit!

(LOL that is such a Facetious Answer!!)

I'll be returning in a 'Blaze of Returning' pretty fucking soon, in the meantime please keep up to date on:

1. Amateur Olympics
2. Chests (of Drawers and Torso)
3. Russia - is it real

Now if you'll excuse me I need to Pilot an Aircraft to a Destination.

ICY COLD SKI GLOVE

Yo - people are always asking me on the street (and in my own home) 'Hey, hi. What's the best way to relax I am so stressed right now AAARGH - FUCK!'.


'Stress, the silent killer' (See also Ninjas, Deafness etc)

This is a pretty tough question because everyone is really different / 'the spice of life'. But if there's one thing guaranteed to relax Everyone from All Walks of the Globe it's being cryogenically frozen for One Hundred Years.

I tried this just the other day and it was 'pretty sick' (in my own words). First of all you get frozen for One Hundred Years. Then you get thawed. It's that simple.

"WHY ISN'T EVERYBODY DOING THIS SHIT"

The painfully obvious answer is: money - it's Prohibitively expensive. How I got around this Prohibition is by just giving them an IOU or some shit. I felt that Filing this Story was so much more important than paying those scammy cryogenic bastards one single cent. It's not that I don't like them and their shit workmanship, they are just scammy bastards.

Those Scammy Bastards!


'Warning: Don't drive while Frozen etc'

Unfortunately they are so 'chasing after me with every resource at their disposal' right now. They could be driving over to my place with enough Military Ordinance to have a total fucking War of Attrition and that scares the shit out of me (but I'm also completely calm about it!).

So if you could just keep this to yourself and don't go blabbing everywhere like the world's worst blabbermouth.

[nb: if you're reading this Cryogenics dudes - suck shit! Hahaha Uh Oh, Hubris]

I'M SPREADING LIKE A VIRUS OF DISEASE

In a nutshell, WTF I totally Filed a Story HERE.

It's pretty much the illest thing getting around at the moment, so just fucking 'jump on board with it' if you know what's good for you (Nutritionist etc).

LOCKED UP (REMIX) (AKON FEAT. STYLES P)

Alright - 'Hear Ye Hear Ye'. I've been thinking so fucking hard about the possibility of Opening my own Jail. I think it is almost a flawless idea to make a huge legal profit as well as helping Society to reform Prisoners, 'keep them off the streets'.

Basically my Jail would consist of a huge really powerful Maximum Security wing to be patrolled by qualified Guards, keeping the Prisoners under lock and key whilst also providing educational programs (eg: 'How To Be A Member of Society', 'Opening a Shop', 'New Age Medicine'). There would also be a normal wing (almost like a Hotel?) for 'victimless crime' (Murder of Ghosts etc). I toyed with the idea of totally instigating a 'Panopticon' which is a big wheel Jail with a single guard at the Centre. This shit was dreamed up by Jeremy Bentham. But he didn't realise - it'll never work.


'Stick to not designing Jails, Jeremy Bentham You Idiot! LOL you live in a box'

"YOU RULE AT IDEAS ALSO HOW CAN A JAIL MAKE A PROFIT"

It's pretty simple - just get the Prisoners to lower their expenses at the same time as maximising their income. Because they become 'Property of the Jail' (until Parole / Judgment Day or some shit).

So it's just a matter now of working out the details, I have asked so many Jail Managers for help but they have been really useless, just saying stuff like:

1. 'It's no big deal, mainly Common Sense'
2. 'Watch the Money Pile Up!!'
3. 'Stay off my turf, IOYC you better stick to Journalism and GET OUT OF JAILS'

No help there! Is this something I can just play by Ear.

IN GOOD HANDS

I tell you what I've been getting right the fuck down with lately, is Think Tanks and in particular Perri 6. Basically anyone who will listen has been bombarded with me loudly stating 'I am thinking about Think Tanks' and 'WWP6D' <---- ie What Would Perri 6 Do.

"OH HI - WHO THE FUCK IS PERRI 6"

Only the biggest fucking dude in the biggest fucking Think Tank of all time. The guy was born with the name Perri 6 because his parents were so ill. (Should I change my name to IOYC 5 or something?? WWP6D??).

I'm probably going to start my own Think Tank pretty soon. Some of the shit we will think about (in so much depth) will be:

1. How to 'beat the system'
2. EROSION!!!! [!!!]
3. What's up with Television and Film in the 'New Millenium'

With any luck (and some ingenuity) I'll publish the results of our Think Tank on this very Web Page. I don't suggest you try and follow along if you're a dullard because the results will be so logical they will just fuck up your brain (ie, WTF!! PREMISE -> CONCLUSION)

FLIPPING THE SCRIPT

Check this: I've totally been Interviewed, in the manner of 'the Hunter becoming the Victim'.


'What Do You Think about Issues'

You can find out all about it and in fact read it ON THIS WEB PAGE. I think I came off alright, hopefully not looking like a Deer in Headlights because of being Interrogated, 'Where is the Microfilm' etc.

"IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE SUCH AN INTERESTING INTERVIEW VICTIM"

So complimentary! Would you like a glass of wine or something, I might recline in a dope Recliner! (to celebrate).

MAKE POVERTY HISTORY

I needn't even tell you that so many people are getting really caught up in this shit right now. It's hard not to feel a huge buzz around it!! I personally (and professionally) think Poverty will be History pretty soon, imagine how much there will have to be new History books (ie 'Chapter One: Poverty' etc). It will be like 'a revisionist view of the Past'. Probably just a matter of days now, as long as those World Leaders will just stop being so BLOODY CORRUPTED!

Make Being Corrupted History!!

(I fucking hope I don't cop a Trade Mark Ban for writing that shit).


'Make some room on the Shelf, Aviation History'

A TIMELY WARNING

Well, my phones and Inbox are basically exploding with the news that Pete Sampras has turned into an Unstoppable Killing Machine. He's on the run from the law and living by his wits.

"WHAT"

This is an Artist's Impression of that shit in action.



'Aaaaargh'



'AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaargh'



'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'


Imagine that noise right in front of you. He's turned into Pixels by the end of it but make no mistake this shit can still 'pack a punch' (of Death). Probably you're asking 'How did this happen, he seemed like a pretty mellow dude mainly into Tennis, would only kill in Self Defence etc'.

The official story according to his Press Agent and International Tennis Clubs is 'Pete Sampras has fucking lost it for no reason'. I think this explanation is so glib, convenient, what are they trying to hide. My (tentative) theories are that Sampras:

1. Possessed by a demon, Satan, (Li'l Kim??)
2. Cracked under the pressure of being retired from Tennis
3. A Personal Vendetta we (ie General Public) don't know about and will probably NEVER KNOW ABOUT NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT

One thing I can be 100% sure about is that the World is much less safe now with Sampras on his murderous rampage. So please, PLEASE watch out because he could be lurking just about anywhere to Kill his next victim, even in your own house with a Sword or his Bare Hands.

Don't try and reason with him.

Just give him my number and tell him I will 'talk him round' (a pretext to straight up Citizen's Arrest that motherfucker!! Bringing a bad name to Tennis!!)