Friday, July 01, 2005

A TIMELY WARNING

Well, my phones and Inbox are basically exploding with the news that Pete Sampras has turned into an Unstoppable Killing Machine. He's on the run from the law and living by his wits.

"WHAT"

This is an Artist's Impression of that shit in action.



'Aaaaargh'



'AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaargh'



'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'


Imagine that noise right in front of you. He's turned into Pixels by the end of it but make no mistake this shit can still 'pack a punch' (of Death). Probably you're asking 'How did this happen, he seemed like a pretty mellow dude mainly into Tennis, would only kill in Self Defence etc'.

The official story according to his Press Agent and International Tennis Clubs is 'Pete Sampras has fucking lost it for no reason'. I think this explanation is so glib, convenient, what are they trying to hide. My (tentative) theories are that Sampras:

1. Possessed by a demon, Satan, (Li'l Kim??)
2. Cracked under the pressure of being retired from Tennis
3. A Personal Vendetta we (ie General Public) don't know about and will probably NEVER KNOW ABOUT NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT

One thing I can be 100% sure about is that the World is much less safe now with Sampras on his murderous rampage. So please, PLEASE watch out because he could be lurking just about anywhere to Kill his next victim, even in your own house with a Sword or his Bare Hands.

Don't try and reason with him.

Just give him my number and tell him I will 'talk him round' (a pretext to straight up Citizen's Arrest that motherfucker!! Bringing a bad name to Tennis!!)

3 Comments:

Blogger thr said...

You will get to the bottom of this won't you IOYC- dept of unsustainable Psychos?

I was going to jokingly say that Pete bores people to death, but this isn't shit to laugh about. I just thought "wow what if he bored my dad to death?" and then thought "Wait, he's already dead" and then I though "Shit, what if it was The Sampras..." so I'm in a right state as we speak.

6:03 PM  
Blogger Margarita said...

I hate watching sport!

But it looks like I should have watched the tennis...

11:44 PM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Thomas Arrgh

I'd say to like 'stay calm' or some shit but that would lead to the biggest False Sense of Security ever. I'm trying to track down Pete and lure him into a trap but he's so Wily it's almost like he's possessed of Supernatural Abilities (WHY DON'T THEY TEST FOR THAT SHIT IN TENNIS!!)

Yours Sincerely,
IOYC Risk / Reward Ratio

3:33 AM  

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