THE MIS-TREE OF LIFE

Storytime pals (!!)

Chapter One

In this Chapter we Open at a Stairway, some dude just sitting on it. It looks like Our Man IOYC --> ie, pretty fucking ill. He is Eating Crisps.

SUDDENLY

HE EATS CRISPS (more)

CUT TO -

INT. A MOTHERFUCKING ROOM


'Check out my Disc - it's on a Rug'

Henri D. Grissino-Mayer (H.D. G-M.). I'll admit, the dude is everywhere these days but it can't be helped if I want to jump on the bandwagon. There's so much fucking room on the bandwagon! It's like a Caravan of Enlightenment.

"OR A CARAVAN OF COURAGE"

Whatever hippy. The speciality of H.D. G-M. is Dendrochronology, which is some shit to do with trees. If you asked him, 'Hey - hi. Look I don't have all day HOW OLD IS THIS FUCKING TREE!!' he wouldn't even bat an eyelid at you. He'd just chop it down and answer straight away in a monotone, a child-like grin on his face. And his answer would be accurate to the minute. You could set your watch by it if you wanted, or just check out your surroundings. Other shitter Dendochronologists would take weeks in a lab to come up with some fucked up answer that is just plain wrong. It's such a rotten Science, perverted by in-fighting and a 'culture of fear'.

I've been so inspired by H.D. G-M. I think I might put a statue of him next to my bed. There isn't any room but fuck that - I'll make room --> So Long, Furniture!

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE BEACH

Cop this – I thought I’d totally try my hand at a work of The Bard. What do you think of the results? (Below). I think they are ‘pretty fucking nice to look at’.

"I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY FUCKING NICE TO LOOK AT"

Holla. Anyway,

IOYC’S THE MERCHANT OF VENICE BEACH
(An Adoption of William Shakespeare’s Famouse Worke)


'Check out our Hamlets'

IOYC: Ayo, Yea Verily it’s pretty ill here in Verona, so much to see and do, yet I still have an Ennui MEGA SIGH.
Mercutio: Chill out bro, My Kingdom of a Horse, let’s just hang out a bit.
IOYC: Alright, for thine art pretty sweet of chilling with, Mercutio, O FATEFUL MERCUTIO.
Mercutio: Hark, a Viola – she’s pretty fly For a White Guy LOL

Mercutio Exeunt.

Viola: Holla, IOYC, I have travelled far anon to find this place and whaddya know, it fucking sucks.
IOYC: Straight up, are you a Dude or a Chick.
Viola: I am a chick dressed of a Dude, is that freaking you out.
IOYC: Pretty much ---> SO CONFUSING.

Viola Exeunt.

MEGA PAUSE

IOYC: Fuck this.

IOYC Exeunt.

FIN

I wonder how this will go down 'Off Broadway'. Like a Sack of Shit FIVE STARS

IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN AND PUTIN THE BASKET (OF JUDO)

Get ready for an 'Internal Server Error' --> David 'Vladimir' Putin, King of Prussia, is apparently STILL FUCKING WITH JUDO. This is despite the fact that it has been Really Banned for at least 85 months.


'Who cares about Laws, I'll just flip myself up'

I didn't realise how Lawless things are in Prussia right now. Hardly 'leading by example', to bust out a Banned killing method when you are the King. Imagine what Serfs will think --> 'If the King can flip dudes all day, maybe I'll try it. Maybe I'll form an Army of it!!'. This shit could straight up trigger the biggest Clash of Civilisations EVER. Now we need to seriously consider a fucking Maelstrom of Judo coming out of Prussia, like a bat out from Hell, with one aim in mind:

JUDO

It's exactly why this killing method was banned in the first place. One thing is for sure, nobody is safe right now. Even Guns are no use against a Judo Wizard, one second you will be pointing a Gun at them ready to 'squeeze one off', and before you know it, POW, dead of Judo.

"IT'S LIGHTING FAST, BY THE SOUNDS"

Lightning is slow as shit compared to it.


'Let's get ready to rrrrumble'

SHARING IS CARING

With all the Troubles in the world today it's easy to forget - 'Fuck, are Humans ever superior of Apes'. I remembered this shit yesterday and straight as an arrow got some Bonobos on board to be my Serfs. They are pretty chilled, check it:


'Let's not take anything Seriously'

Bonobos are a different kind of Ape from most others. Normally, you'd think of Gorillas and 'the Exotic Oran-Utan of Siam' or some shit.

"I'M THINKING ABOUT A GIBBON OR TWO"

Well Bonobos are nothing like that. Even their genes are so fucking different. They are basically a Super-Breed, of Ape, able to perform tasks like Childs can do (eg Gift-Wrapping, Admiralty, Basic Spells). I've got mine just doing odd jobs of the Windmill, cleaning Blades and so on. Precis: 'Adding grist to the Mill'. What's Grist

Here's my Moral Dilemma:

IS IT OK TO NOT PAYMENT THE BONOBOS

At the Press Club, dudes have been saying to pay those Bonobos a Minimum Wage. All I have been doing is punching them if they don't 'do as I say not as I do'. Who should I listen to --> the Voice of Reason? (iPod Nano LOL) So hard to keep track of all the conundrums at the Press Club; why do I keep going there?


'A Merry Ole Time With Friends'

HUBBA HUBBA, PIG BASTARD

This is getting to be 'beyond a Joke' - as I'm about to be investigated by Internal Affairs of Journalism. These are cats working on the 'inside', literally stop at nothing to stamp out corruption in Journalism, it's like The Matrix (ie those dudes of Elrond in The Matrix). I just got the notice this morning when I clocked in at the station, 'routine bust / Brooklyn-Queens Expressway / 10-4' or some shit. There it was on my locker, reading:

AYO IOYC YOU ARE BEING INVESTIGATED PROMPTLY, NEVER FEAR IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE [sic]

This has got me so Paranoia, what if I do have something to Hide!? I mean I've always kept up the highest ethical standards --> it's why I joined the Force. But it's like they just want one little slip up before 'Hey - hi, let's go to Room 101 and haul you in front of a Grand Jury to explain an Inquisition: Topic = YOU ARE FUCKED NOW'.

The other alternative I guess is if it just turns into a cheery session of backslapping and thinking about the Good Old Days of Cadets and 'the crisp sound of Leather on Willow'. What has got me buzzing is that they will have so much difficulty cracking my 'poker face' given that the shit is totally Botoxed to the Max. It's like the unseen hand of the Market was guiding my Flying Syringe Monster directly into my face.


'Hit Points 120 Stamina 120'

Holla back Milton Friedman / Thomas Friedman! (IS COREY FELDMAN IN ON THIS).

TIME TO FACE FACTS

Great - I just accidentally Botoxed my whole face. I was trying to rig up what I can only describe as a 'Flying Syringe Monster' in my Windmill, to ward off predators. Thing is it backfired like a motherfucker, due to an error with the Blueprint.


'He's Going To Pull Through - Perhaps'

At least I know it works, even if I can't smile about it --> I can't do fuck all (Facially).

"I BET YOU LOOK HELLA YOUNG THOUGH"

I won't lie - I look like I'm Six years old. Shit's alright, if I was in Primary School or a contest of 'who's the Youngest (looking)'. But imagine a Job Interview:

'Oh Hello IOYC, your Curriculus Vitae is fucking dope as shit, let's just..'

(MEGA PAUSE)

'Are you fucking SIX?? as there is a minimum age requirement for this job'.

What are jobs for people that look of Six but are actually so fucking Qualified, degrees of Journalism, Science, Kicking Ass, Taking Names, Masters of Realness, etc. All I can think is 'Boat Clerk' and 'Rambo Sidekick'. Are these even real jobs? Or just another example of 'Downshifting'.


'I'll get you for this Malfoy'

AIN'T SHIT WORSE THAN A WASTE OF TALENT

You all know how I love Childs and Science like it ain't a thang. Well, I decided to open what so far is the world's most ill Scientific Montessori Kindergarten. It's a place where other people's Childs can just run free, be themselves, benefit from a rigid framework of Activites etc.


'Shut the Fuck Up'

The self-esteem of these Childs is through the roof - it's like they're on drugs. When the Husbands and Wifes (non Gender-Specific Language Pls - Ed) rock up to kidnap them at the end of the day, all they exclaim is 'Jesus Fucking Christ this Montessori Kindergarten fulfils my dreams of a Better Tomorrow, Whoops message on my iPod Nano LOL my Stocks and Bonds have Dropped ---> RRRRRRRRRRRRe-mortgage'.

It's hella satisfying.

What I'm thinking is to up the stakes and run a 'Randomly Comptrolled Double Blind Experiment' on the Childs, to benefit Science.

"FUCK YEAH!"

(MEGA Pause)

"WAIT - IT'S NOT RIGHT TO USE THEM AS SUBJECTS"

Why don't you protest about it in front of a shop like I give a shit? 'Nice sign - Microsoft Word LOL'. Anyway I have entered into a JVA (Joint Venture Agreement) with the Haribo Company, dudes that make Sweets. Everyone knows Childs love Sweets. So I am going to lace that shit with some experimental Chemistry, and watch the money / hypotheses pile up!


'Gummi Bears - Flying here and there and everywhere containing Isotopes of Iridium'

I am so going to blow the Ethics Committee's Minds with this fucking Experiment! 'God Damn IOYC, will you ever stop Surprising us?' --> Back-slapping etc. I have fortified the Windmill b/c of the inevitable backlash from the Religious Right, those clowns will be stepping on Landmines like chumps if they come anywhere near here WILL THE LORD GUIDE THEIR STEPS.

A SHORT DIATRIBE (NB: DOUBLE MEANING)

Fo real. Y'know, EVERY SINGLE MINUTE sometimes I'm like, 'this modern lifestyle is so stupid, oh no my iPod Nano has a Defect, holy shit TiVo on my Palm Pilot let's have a dinner party and discuss Office Politics' etc and then immediately my Mind explodes into --> Let's Escape to an Island and have a Tribe.


'We'll need a shitload of Merchandise - Please'

I think having a Tribe would be pretty ill, especially if you were Chieftan or just plain Subsidiary. Even a fully paid up member
of the 'upper middle class?' (of the Tribe). Imagine making War on other Tribes, pretty fucked but too bad --> Human Nature. Thanks Charles Darwin (OR IS IT INTELLIGENT DESIGN; FFS will the LORD ever get off this Web Page).

"MY MIND MIGHT JUST BURST FROM ALL THAT ILL SHIT"

How good are the 'lofty pursuits of Philosophy'. I've conducted what amounts to approx 100,000 hrs (hours) of Anthropological Research on Tribes to sort this shit out. My results pretty much speak for themselves - let's listen to them.

IOYC's Guide to Tribes incl. Pros and Cons

A Modern Island Tribe ('Tribe') is a structured limited liability partnership of dudes and chicks basically just chilling out. It's not like Old School Tribes where you have fancy names and shields, more of a club (do you have Clubs? LOL Classic).

IMPORTANT: The Tribe is governed by strict Rules and Regulations - deviations are punishable by Tribal Elders.
Often the Tribe will worship stuff, deities, other Tribes, remnant of IOYC crash landed on Island etc.

PROS:
1. Everyone knows each other - no strangers in a Tribe (cf mysterious strangers in Film, Life etc)
2. So much chilling out but also vicious 'internecine fighting'.

"HOLY FUCK"

3. Dope Codes of Morals, primitive religious beliefs, potential worship of IOYC.
4. Maybe dudes can have like, 6 Wifes.

CONS:
1. Quickly run out of shit to do / say, vicious internecine fighting (SO GOOD THEY NAMED IT TWICE).
2. Troubling scenarios --> 'Sucks to your ass-marr etc'
3. Impossible to develop lifestlye of a genteel landowner or any kind of class structure.
4. Adverse tax consequences if Tribe gets cashed up.

On balance, Tribes can't win. But they can surely give it a shot and that's all that counts.


'We Tribed our Best'

WHEN I SPIT A ROUGH PARA(BLE)

Get this - I'm about to adopt the totally chilled out style of none other than Our Lord Jesus Christ.

"GREAT, A BLASPHEMY ON MY COMPUTER"

Price Check on 'Get a fucking Grip'. BTW Hello, Lord / Angelic Host etc if you are reading IS GOD IN SITE METER.

Holla at the following Parable:

The Parable of the Donkey and Jeddah

This ole Donkey was resting on the road to Jeddah (?), just chilling and thinking about The Holy Bible, 'Man, do I ever love God's Word'. The Donkey was pretty pissed off with life, b/c being a Donkey basically sucked ass in Biblical times (whereas nowadays --> fucking ill / Animal Rights etc).


'WTF??'

After about an hour of fuck all this Samaritan rolled up, Happy as Larry. Now this was no ordinary Samaritan --> the dude was like the Samaritan Mastermind, has there ever been one iller. His name = 'Captain Friendly'.

Captain Friendly: Ayo, Donkey, can you fucking take me to Jeddah (?) straight as an arrow, I need to see some Pharisees about the Lord's Word, so controversial.
Donkey: Shalom Captain Friendly, I seriously can't be fucked going to Jeddah right now, let's just chill out and think about Moses. Can you dig Moses.
Captain Friendly: I really NEED JEDDAH RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
Donkey: The Lord is pretty dope, what say you Captain Friendly.
Captain Friendly: I will give you 50 Shekels or how about I just fuck you up, you shit Donkey! Fucking Donkeys!!!
Donkey: Man, being a Donkey is so shit but I need the cash --> LET'S ROLL [To Jeddah (?)]


'Would you like One Room of Jeddah?'