WHAT A COCK(ATIEL) UP

Hi Friends! (a little greeting I developed)

Yesterday I was walking around the Windmill, just thinking quietly to myself 'HOLY SHIT it's so quiet and peaceful in this Windmill, aah. Wait a minute it's a Lonesome Misery of Isolation' and so on. It was then I noticed these thoughts in my mind --> WHY NOT GET A PET. So I went to the Pet Shop, picked out this dope ole Cockatiel. All I could imagine was 'This Bird will be Ill as shit, fly around the Windmill for a lark, Deliver messages from Dumbledore etc'. (HARRY POTTER MADNESS?)

"THAT SOUNDS SO FUCKING PERFECT"

Holla! Unfortunately, my Cockatiel turned into probably the worst pet ever.


'Phylum: Chordata Genus: Aves Species: Shit'

It was the biggest anticlimax! Here's a brief list of its bullshit flaws:

1. Poor flight patterns.
2. Pretty boring, only occasionally good.
3. CAN'T DELIVER MESSAGES

I got so stiffed on that purchase. Pet Shop owners, do they give a fuck for Customer Satisfaction or just turning a huge profit for their fat pockets!!

Is it against the RSPCA to just throw that shit in a bin.

SHOOK ONES (PART 2)

Cop this, I just unearthed a letter from my Dear Old Great-Grandfather (now a Corpse). It's a Historical View! Look at it (below).

"Dear Brigands.


'A Common Scene on the High Street, FOR SHAME'

Don't worry, I'm onto your little lark of 'Hey - hi. Let's make a living through thievery'. OH YES INDEED --> Why I've just had a word to the Lieutenant Governor or some chit, and he is going to be cracking down on Banditry with all his Considerable Might ['Tough on Crime, Tough on the Causes of Crime, I am the very model of a Modern Lieutenant Governor'].

"WHAT A TOSH, GET THEE HENCE"

WTD!? (What The Devil) An intruder of my Mail!? Little rapscallions, I'll clap you in Stocks. Aren't you aware I am 'The Realness'. I hope you are stricken of Dystentry and a Canker Sore on your Anus.

Kindest Regards,
IOY 'Lithograph Machine', Tuppence a Bag, Hey-Nonny-Nonny"


He's obviously fucked in the head GOT A GOOD POINT.

IMPATIENCE IS A VIRTUE

It's yet another Article about Movies, can you believe it. I love Movies right now!

"IS THIS NOW SOME BULLSHIT ENTERTAINMENT WEB PAGE"

Deal with it --> I am in Editorial Control. Maybe bring it up at the AGM if you don't like it, 'Price/Earnings Ratio' etc. Fuck Shareholders!!

Anyway the story is, I have been so fucking hanging out for the Movie of Harry Potter Goblets of Fire that I just plain couldn't handle it. Waiting is making me so angry it actually hurts (both physical and emotional pain).


'Fuck Waiting!!'

My most pressing Question --> Is it EVER coming into a Cinema!! [ie. What's taking them so long.] So I decided, who better to find out more about this than Author of the Harry Potter Goblets of Fire book, J.K. Rowling.

(Celebrity Gossip: Her publicist actually did an involuntary shit when I called up).

Anyway:

IOYC: Ayo, J.K. Rowling!
J.K.: Holla back.
IOYC: Holla! Hey - did you know they are making a Movie of your book: Harry Potter Goblets of Fire.
J.K.: Yes. It is inevitable that they would do it, considering so many Contracts in place. I hate it but what can you do.
IOYC: Fuck all I guess (fake sympathy! - now TO THE POINT) So, is it ready, when is it ready, that Movie.
J.K.: It is complete.
IOYC: HOLY SHIT.
J.K.: (laughs)
IOYC: Can I see it.
J.K.: (laughs) Oh, I don't think the distributors would appreciate that! Don't worry it comes out on November 19.
IOYC: Do I look like I give a fuck, about what you just said.
J.K.: ...
IOYC: ...
J.K.: Here is the Movie.
IOYC: Thanks, I'll watch it now.
J.K.: Do you want to watch it together?
IOYC: No.

[Interview terminated]

So, I watched the Movie, guess what, it's fucking ill. There's Amazing Magic of Quidditch or some shit, dope Elfs, plus it's a good reminder of High School - 'What would you do, if I sang, out of tune', all the trials and tribulations. SPOILER: There is a pretty heavy scene in it - NOT a good date Movie.

I'd give it a 4 out of 10.

HOLD ON TO YOUR BATS (AND RISK A FINE)

I am so angry right now. Get this bullshit - That fucking Government, our 'Elected Leaders', have dared to make a new Bill of: A Licence to Play Table Tennis.


'Harmless Fun? Try telling that to Cops'

Rumours abound on the cost of the Licence - some dudes are saying 'anywhere up to $100'. Small change for most, but just imagine you are a family of poverty - you can never afford to play Table Tennis again. What if you fucking love it? Bad luck, there's no exceptions.

Try breaking this news to a kid with a disease.

All I can think is - Where are you, 'watchdogs of Justice', too busy with the fucking Festivities, now look at the mess we're in. 'Hey let's stage a Protest, I made a sign of NOT IN OUR NAME or some shit'.

Oh wait - it's too late. Goodbye, (unlicenced) Table Tennis. 'Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven'

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY

Hey, hi - I was just pumping some iron at the gym this morning when I had a show stopping idea: a Movie about Bingo. How I thought of this was through a process of Reasoning on 'Bingo is so unrepresented in Cinema' - a total joke because so many people play it.


'$56.9 = Pure Profits!!. Is Film in China'

Oh my days I be running bare tings round these ends blud, trust!

"WHAT"

Cop this:

Synopsis for Bingo Movie
Main Character (played by Actor) strides calmly into a Bingo Establishment and begins playing for all he is worth. He is really concentrating. Wait - there is an evil Bingo Practitioner present! A guy who just doesn't give a shit for the rules. [Tension rises through the roof]. The whole match starts to really fuck up. It all hangs in the balance for ages. Then, towards the end, the Main Character suddenly realises: Holy Shit, I am really good at Bingo ---> I could win this shit!

It's a pretty focussed Movie, but there is plenty of space for Romance and moments of Humour to leaven the unbearable tension.

Character Arc:

Background of Main Character:

1. Just plain old nous, of Bingo.
2. Dead mentor, 'I always wanted to be a World Champion of Bingo, *urrggh*'

Background of evil Bingo Practitioner:

1. Intimidation of opponents: eg, 'Hey buddy, hey there with your Bingo card, how about I burn up your whole family? Would you like that? MENACING STARE
2. Hates Bingo but is drawn to it --> inexorably.

I pretty much just need a title now. I am thinking about -

'BINGO MOVIE: A Film of Total Excellence'

DIAGNOSIS: MURDER (OF MY SYMPTOMS)

Sup! I've just got back from a little 'heart-to-heart' with my General Practitioner (GP). On this occasion I had a slight case of 'Rectalysis: a Parasitic Disease of the Spine'. At first I thought, 'oh, let it clear up on its own' but it was incredibly painful, just plain wreaking havoc on my Cells and Organs. At one stage I was actually so close to Death, 'the Great Leveller' / 'Move Towards the Light' etc.

"HOLY SHIT! DID YOU VIEW JESUS?!"

No - I wasn't Dead enough I don't think. Imagine the Headline!! - 'AN INTERVIEW OF JESUS' Is it a Blasphemy to Interview Him

It's all down to the General Practitioner (GP), that cat was so determined, didn't rest until he had totally Isolated and Studied my Illness, and then OBLITERATED it WITHOUT A TRACE. All he cares about is the Welfare of Patients! In fact he cares about it more than his own Family.

Imagine if I had tried a Homeopath, Physiotherapist or some other bullshit merchant. I would be a meaningless Corpse right now. An example of 'finding out the Hard Way'.


'It is with great Regret that I announce the Death of IOYC, he will be given a full Military Funeral while we bomb the fuck out of some Physiotherapists in retaliation'

I know what you're thinking - 'When will this be made into a Movie'.

THAT OLD CHESTNUT (LET'S STUDY IT)

If you're a regular reader of this Web Page, Various Magazines, a scrap of paper with some shit scrawled on it etc you'll know that I'm really obsessed with Gerontology. Some days I'll sit back and Talk about it non-stop to Colleagues; are you interested to find out more, if so ---> 'don't just dream it - do it'.

Background on Gerontology


'The Bible of Gerontology'
Not to be confused with - 'The Bible'

To put it bluntly, Gerontology is 'studying oldness'. Most mammals and objects get older as time goes by, occasionally stopping to rest. The visible signs of ageing can be beaten with Clarins or some shit, but the invisible signs are unbeatable by all but the most formidable Gerontologists. This 'hard core' of Science Fanatics have managed to stop ageing in its tracks, with dramatic results.


'Typical Gerontologist with Research Snake'

Gerontologists operate in small groups or Salons, where anyone over the age of 45 can go and get 'Age Reversed' - for a price*.

(* One Thousand Million Dollars)

My only concern is, the Moral and Ethical implications. First 'they' are telling us, NO to Cloning, NO to research of Embryo, NO to Further Space Missions, but when it comes to Gerontology, it's all systems go, yes please where do I sign, fuck the Consequences, book me a session with a Salon, Secretary!!

CAN WE PLEASE PAUSE TO THINK IT THROUGH.

It's all I ask. Such a small ask.

What a tiny ask, in the scheme of things!!

THE MIGHTIEST GRIFFON* OF THEM ALL

*Alternative Spelling ----> Gryphon

For crying out loud, when will this question be resolved: What is the best Griffon.

It's baffled Philosophers for centuries, and now it's baffling the shit out of me (unsuprising, I'm something of an 'amateur Philosophy' myself, so many strings to my bow!?) I bet it's baffling you now just thinking about it. I'd bet my life on it.

"GREAT, NOW I AM DROWNING IN A SEA OF AMBIGUITY AND SHIT, FUCK THIS"

Don't you worry yourself, because I'm going to solve the 'Griffon Trilemma' right here right now.

The Contenders

Everyone who's anyone agrees, the search for the best Griffon is down to three finalists. So don't come at me with some alternative bullshit, have some respect for the established order of things, bloody hell.

1. Griffon Hovercraft

Griffons are currently in service with navy, army and paramilitary customers worldwide, and their commercial applications include passenger and tourist ferries, hydrographic and seismic surveys, crash rescue and firefighting, mobile clinics, oil rig and civil engineering support.


'Griffon Hovercraft – hovercraft that work'. (Official Slogan)

2. Wire Haired Pointing Griffon (AKA Korthals' Griffon)

Although notations to Griffon history can be found which date back to 1545, development of the current day Wirehaired Pointing Griffon began in earnest in the Netherlands in 1873 by a young Dutch sportsman and avid hunter by the name of Eduard Karel Korthals (1851-1896).


'At first glance I have Three legs'

3. Griffon Corp Clopay Building Products

Griffon’s garage door operation, Clopay Building Products Company, is one of the largest manufacturers and marketers of residential garage doors in the U.S. as well as a major supplier of industrial and commercial doors for the new construction, and repair and remodel markets.


'Majestic Beauty of a Perfectly installed Door/s'

Pretty tough decision, I'll say.

Conclusion / Denouement

I HEREBY SOLEMNLY DECLARE AND AFFIRM that the Griffon garage door is the illest Griffon. Second best is the hovercraft. That stupid fucking dog is a woefully poor LAST. Why don't they put it down.

"MY STRESS RELATED ILLNESSES HAVE ALL CLEARED UP AT ONCE, *JUMPS FOR JOY*"

I am so glad to hear that I might just 'pop a Firecracker' if that shit wasn't justifiably illegal.

A CATALOGUE OF TRAVELOGUES IN THE FORM OF A DUOLOGUE

IOYC: (Enters the Stage or some shit) Hey, hi! Guess what, I have just returned from a 'far-flung Clime', that Great and Noble Country of Italy, where I had some Ill adventures and Journalism of 'Local Interest Stories'.


'Great, now there are Kids in Italy, Spoiling it'

RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (WITH ENERGY) Holy fucking shit! I am blown away by that. Can I see some photos.

IOYC: Hell 'nay', because my camera fucked up and erased them all. First my Computer then my Camera, is there no end to my bullshit Woes of Technology.

Playwright's note / 'Serving Suggestion' - At this point some Chorus Members pass out in Symbolic Gesture of the Woes of Technology??

RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (WITH ENERGY) Tell me about it then -

(Pause)

RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (WITH ENERGY) - in Words.

Playwright's note - I cannot emphasize enough how fucking energetic that Rapt Audience Member (on Stage) is. You are a shit Director if the audience doesn't get it by this point - the dude is SO ENERGETIC!!

IOYC: Yae Verily I visited a Villa and a Market, and some other shit. The Villa was super Rustic, which 'clicked nicely' into my Lifetime Achivement on Rustic Houses - an example of Hidden Synergies. The Market was so fucking corrupted by the Mafia, those dudes were everywhere at that Market, others didn't see them but I saw them [DID THEY SEE ME ---> 'A PRICE ON MY HEAD'].

(MEGA Pause)

IOYC: Also there was an incident with 'the collected Works of Norwegian Folk Author Peter Christen Asbjornsen' which hasn't been resolved, Loss of Friendships etc.

RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (WITH ENERGY) That sounds pretty fucked up.

IOYC: Why don't you keep going on about it, and see what happens.

RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (WITH ENERGY) Oh Shit.

Playwright's note - The Rapt Audience Member can look approx 15% less rapt for this Line of Dialogue. Emphasis on Contrast!!

IOYC: (Exeunt)

(Another MEGA Pause)




RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (Exeunt)