Thursday, August 25, 2005

WHAT A COCK(ATIEL) UP

Hi Friends! (a little greeting I developed)

Yesterday I was walking around the Windmill, just thinking quietly to myself 'HOLY SHIT it's so quiet and peaceful in this Windmill, aah. Wait a minute it's a Lonesome Misery of Isolation' and so on. It was then I noticed these thoughts in my mind --> WHY NOT GET A PET. So I went to the Pet Shop, picked out this dope ole Cockatiel. All I could imagine was 'This Bird will be Ill as shit, fly around the Windmill for a lark, Deliver messages from Dumbledore etc'. (HARRY POTTER MADNESS?)

"THAT SOUNDS SO FUCKING PERFECT"

Holla! Unfortunately, my Cockatiel turned into probably the worst pet ever.


'Phylum: Chordata Genus: Aves Species: Shit'

It was the biggest anticlimax! Here's a brief list of its bullshit flaws:

1. Poor flight patterns.
2. Pretty boring, only occasionally good.
3. CAN'T DELIVER MESSAGES

I got so stiffed on that purchase. Pet Shop owners, do they give a fuck for Customer Satisfaction or just turning a huge profit for their fat pockets!!

Is it against the RSPCA to just throw that shit in a bin.

17 Comments:

Anonymous Word Of Advice said...

Dude, I hate to parrot the authorities and everything, but I really think you should stay cagey on this one. You'd be in pretty deep shit if she just upped and Avian flew away.

4:59 PM  
Blogger Jobe said...

Ahhhh buyer's remorse. How sweet it is.

5:37 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

THE PUNS! THE PUNS ARE EVERYWHERE!

PLAY-ON-WORDS MADNESS, I TELL YOU!

In other news - I have a bird!

It used to belong to my grandmother who was pretty deaf towards the end, and my dear budgie is thoroughly traumatised from being plonked next to the television for several hours a day whilst Mama watched The Bill at full volume.

It also dabbles in stunt work.

My bird is cool.

7:13 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

PS: As you can see, I like to share.

7:14 PM  
Blogger Shazam! said...

Maybe you should teach it to talk?

You could suggest it says "I am one dope bird"

Perhaps then it would be a more satisfactory pet?

8:42 PM  
Anonymous ohhh a goog goog bingter said...

Ha. I used to go out with this COMPLETE LOSER who collected lost pet posters.

One day I want to pay a little child to kick him in the shins while I hide, laughing, behind a bin.

9:00 PM  
Blogger Jobe said...

I think 'weirdo' trumps 'loser' in that case.

2:19 AM  
Blogger Fop said...

Oh, I find that lost cockatiel poster just untenably sad! It's heart-rending!

4:57 PM  
Anonymous tantrik said...

Earth, Wind and Fire;
where the fuck are you? I'm missing your best-in-class journalism badly. Are you affected by journalism's blockage? Please write something ... anything ... just let us know you are alive and well.
Hearts,
tantrik

11:31 PM  
Blogger ms fits said...

I wholeheartedly endorse the above comments and/or products. Please send IOYC stunt double to further hilarity.

x

2:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

where are you?

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