Monday, August 15, 2005

DIAGNOSIS: MURDER (OF MY SYMPTOMS)

Sup! I've just got back from a little 'heart-to-heart' with my General Practitioner (GP). On this occasion I had a slight case of 'Rectalysis: a Parasitic Disease of the Spine'. At first I thought, 'oh, let it clear up on its own' but it was incredibly painful, just plain wreaking havoc on my Cells and Organs. At one stage I was actually so close to Death, 'the Great Leveller' / 'Move Towards the Light' etc.

"HOLY SHIT! DID YOU VIEW JESUS?!"

No - I wasn't Dead enough I don't think. Imagine the Headline!! - 'AN INTERVIEW OF JESUS' Is it a Blasphemy to Interview Him

It's all down to the General Practitioner (GP), that cat was so determined, didn't rest until he had totally Isolated and Studied my Illness, and then OBLITERATED it WITHOUT A TRACE. All he cares about is the Welfare of Patients! In fact he cares about it more than his own Family.

Imagine if I had tried a Homeopath, Physiotherapist or some other bullshit merchant. I would be a meaningless Corpse right now. An example of 'finding out the Hard Way'.


'It is with great Regret that I announce the Death of IOYC, he will be given a full Military Funeral while we bomb the fuck out of some Physiotherapists in retaliation'

I know what you're thinking - 'When will this be made into a Movie'.

10 Comments:

Blogger Jobe said...

The book will be better than the movie I think. But you'll lie and say that it's the best movie you've seen in years BECAUSE THAT'S HOW HOLLYWOOD WORKS!

5:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A question - if you were to interview Jesus (aka The Big Guy, JC, Old Mate Upstairs etc etc) would there be scope for asking him/her/neither: "Are you ready for the Realness that is The Probst/can you take that shit?"

As a Hard-Hitting Journalist, this could be the kind of expose that your readership is expecting.

4:28 PM  
Anonymous Jesus said...

It is really not blasphemy to interview me, though I cannot Promise (TM) that I will answer in anything but parables and perhaps the odd tantrum if you were to make money out of the interview or some shit.

I also reserve the right to veto questions EG "Are you ready for the Realness that is The Probst/can you take that shit?"

7:02 PM  
Blogger Adam said...

Hey Jesus, wanna come play bball with us on Saturday? Do I have to be Near Death for you to rock up? Can I just be Pretend Near Death but Actually Fine and Healthy Ready to Slam Dunk?

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok, ok i take back my comment from last week when i said you USED to be funny. you still are.
mebbe i just could not get a grasp of the intense wonderment that is gerontology.
PLEASE forgive me taking my limited capacity out on you, IOYC.

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Jesus said...

Dude, I would totally wipe the floor with you bball-wise.

You would most likely be NEAR DEATH when I was finished with you.

PS Joking! I'm peaceful, really.

PPS Or am I? *spooky theme music*

9:04 PM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Y'All

Holy Shit - Imagine how Blasphemous it is to play Basketball against Jesus. 'Hey Jesus, SLAM DUNK on Jesus, Uh-Oh, that's a Travel Jesus' etc. That's the type of shit not even the new, living Pope can dispense justice on.

Also can I please not think about Probst v Jesus, for fuck's sake I have enough problems to deal with - including just now a Scorpion infestation of all of my belongings while I was on the Phone to a Clerk.

Yours Sincerely,
IOYC and All Successors and Assigns

6:24 AM  
Anonymous Angelique said...

I really have to know: what is your obsession with capital letter?

*goes mad*

8:01 PM  
Anonymous Angelique said...

Umm, I meant "letters"

See, the random capitalisation of your post got me all flustered.

8:02 PM  
Anonymous ilse pilser bing bang bilser said...

I want a Syndicated Mini Series, IOYC, can we get Lisa McCune on board?

9:47 PM  

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