ON THE COUCH

Check this: you probably think 'Man, that IOYC's Mind is so Fact-laden, how can he take it?' I decided to ask myself the very same question in the form of telling it to a Licenced Hypno Tribal Counsellor. Shit didn't go according to plan, but I like to live 'on the Edge'.


'LOL your Mind has AIDS'

IOYC: So, Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]. How would you compare my Mind to most. Is it in a Problem?
Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]: I tell you what - fuck no. That shit is so dope it hurts my Qualifications.
IOYC: Can you please be fucking serious?
Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]: Let me touch it.
IOYC: Maybe I should Counsel you with this Fist.
Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]: Okay, okay. Let's talk about Mums.
IOYC: Let's talk about me exploding your Childs.
Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]: *cries*
IOYC: LOL you are such a Shit Counsellor.
Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]: I am so rethinking my life choices right now.
IOYC: Dope Transference - I can feel what it is like to suck.

Anyway I totally fucked that shit off and started thinking about other things, like this:

When Shin-ichiro Imai, a postdoc in Guarente's lab, mixed Sir2p, NAD, and part of a histone (a small protein commonly found in association with DNA in chromatin) in a test tube to see if Sir2p added ADP-ribose to the protein tails, he was shaken by the results. The histone molecules did not get heavier, as they would if weighed down by an extra ADP-ribose group. Instead, many of them got lighter by exactly 42 atomic masses. Guarente was reported to shout, "That might be deacetylation!"

I am pretty pumped to try an experiment with Sir2p and NAD right now. Imagine if I had some lying around.


'Is it in a Shark?'

IT'S ORGONE WRONG

Hold up - Can we just pause for a second to appreciate how fucking ill that Headline is. So Catchy, it's like something that might be dreamed up by the world's dopest Advertising Wizard, just ferreting away at his / her (its?) Laboratory making Products for us to 'Point of Purchase'. Man, is there ever a more Sincere job than that.


'Let's Solve Our Client to WIN in our Hearts!!'

To the point --> did you know that Orgone Energy is all around you? It's in every part your body right now - including the Anus. Straight up - It's what you might call 'The Life Force of the Universe'.

"I CAN KIND OF FEEL IT"

Orgone energy can help with so many things, crafting foods, a Sense of Achievement, exploding with Mirth. The only bad thing about it is that in large doses it's so deadly. Nobody knows what the threshold is, everyone just goes around trying it 'willy-nilly'. Once, 1,000 people died because one Orgone Energy tap was left on for only an hour. There was a big Court Case about it --> Verdict: Guilty of death by Orgone, sentenced to 200 hours of Arrest without a Warrant.


'I am the Law'

You'd probably like to try an Orgone Blanket, one day. Wouldn't you?

Be Warned:
"Most people experience the orgone blanket as very beneficial and creating a sense of well-being, however, people with conditions of high blood pressure, or other heart problems, epileptic attacks, brain tumors, and skin inflammations should not use an orgone blanket. Additionally, orgone blankets should not be used near operating TVs, computers, fluorescent lights, electric blankets, or microwave ovens."

Anyway I've got to go harness some Orgone Energy right now --> 'Actions Speak Louder Than Words'. (That saying is so Racist against Words, hypocritical as it's in Words. Fuck Actions!!)

BEHOLD THE WHITE HORSE, REMORSE NEVER THE CASE*

*EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD THE BATTLE IS TAKING PLACE

I bet you thought Tennis was all good - "Oh, the US Open went well, might play some Tennis this afternoon etc, Man, is Tennis the 'Fruit of the Gods'". 'Lest we forget' ---> Pete Fucking Sampras


"ROOOOOOOOOOOAAARR"

That dude is still on the loose, to be honest I feel partly responsible b/c I didn't report on him with enough Vigour. Then other days I think 'I did all I could'. Whatever - this isn't about me (OR IS IT?). Good news is, the Tennis World has banded together and unleashed a force so unstoppable with a single-minded mission: Track down Sampras, bring him to Heel, STOP SAMPRAS!!

(Pause)

Holla at me ---> LENDL:


"ROOOOOOOOOOOAAARR"
Photo Courtesy: Tennis

Is LENDL the answer to all of our Prayers. Our Hopes and Dreams, in a package so pure and true. Go LENDL, I believe in you so much, I'm like, fucking Crying!! (with Joy).

This is going to be a showdown so mammoth that I wouldn't be surprised if heaps of Civilians are caught in the crossfire. It's like 'What Is The Matrix' crossed with a War. Too bad Civilians, you slept on Tennis.

THE PRICE OF FREEDOM IS ETERNAL VIGILANCE OF TENNIS


'R.I.P.'

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK

Hey - hi!

Sorry about rocking up unannounced (to my own Web Page?) - I just had the biggest Attack of Conscience about not covering the main event of all of 2005, the motherfucking HERMANUS WHALE FESTIVAL. Like I had 'The Social Contract' to report about it.


'Album of the Year?'

What actually happened was the Festival organisers called me up and grilled me down the phone like some kind of 'cooking by long-distance' bullshit. So Futuristic, but the pain is all in the present! [Some of it is in the Past]. Here's a hint for free: Don't ever fuck with Festival organisers.

"RIGHT CLICK --> SAVE AS"

So check this:
A Careful Postcard from the coast of BEAUTIFUL HERMANUS. (Disclaimer: I was paid cash to say that shit)

"I'M ON THE EDGES OF TWO SEPARATE SEATS"

Good one. Anyway the Festival went off without a hitch, so many Whales just hanging out, 'shooting the shit', brawling, whatever Whales do? Having a Whale of a Time, WTF (Some idiots actually have a PhD in Whales --> Imagine how fucked off their parents are).

The most controversial thing that happened was to do with Nataniel. Remember that dude! Well he didn't disappoint, he rocked up in a Maelstrom of BLAOW, dived right into the festival and proceeded to put on the dopest show of Cabaret Spectacular most people have ever seen. A couple of people in the audience died of Joy, Pensioners were just 'rooted to the spot' with admiration / shit at Moving. They'll be talking about that spine-chilling performance at Hermanus for long after we're all Corpses. 'The Descendants of Nataniel's Audience, '05' etc. 'Check my Digital Photo of Nataniel.jpg'...'Ho-hum'.

What can I say, it was alright but I personally was a little disappointed in Nataniel. Let's be honest - 'seen it all before'. Maybe my musical Vision is unsuited to cabaret --> more suited to Limp Bizkit?


'Album of the Year?'

The Prince and Princess of Whales competition was pretty fierce. If the Childs in it are any indication of our future, the World is going to be so fucking ill soon!! (in about 10 years). I almost can't wait, luckily I bought some books and shit to pass the time. Incl. one book of 1,000 Facts --> that is like one Fact per day for 10 years! Imagine how fucking Smart I am going to be when I have finished.

So, hope things have been well in 'the interim', I have checked a little bit of Journalism but so much work on the New Project. But I also have so many stories waiting to develop - eg Praise the Lord (of Hosts), A 'Little Accident', Fuck Cats, Cellos v Paintings (of Cellos), Stupid Locksmiths, ISO 9001:2000, What is 'Asset Triangle', The Funny Side of Fishing, Fancy Rat Appreciation Society, Ussher (Former Archbishop of Ireland) - Yeah, You Can't Beat an Oneida Community, Logs / Log Rolling (Sport), I Predict a Psychic, A Survey of Readers / Interactive, How To Drive [MAN/CHICKS] Wild, Training your Childs in Morals, Banning of Scepticism, Flight Simulators - Why, A Balancing Act, 'Drugs to Blame in Violent Teenage Sex Party' (Tabloid Journalism), The Untimely Death of Slipknot, Interview of Surgeon (Vet), My Spiritual Journey to an Isthmus, Follow Up of Ghostly Pope, Science of Ruling at Chess.

STAY TUNED if you can be fucked. One thing you can say about Journalists --> So fucking inept Unpredictable!

THERE GOES THE GREATEST JOURNALISM OF RECENTLY

Dear Readership

I Hereby Announce the Unthinkable --> Closure of IOYC.


'WORLD'S BIGGEST WTFFFFFF!!!'

Word life. (Also, how ill is that Plane!?) It's time for me to Retire from the world of Web Page Journalism in order to make a New Project so secret and fucking intense that it would make most people explode to think about it. Imagine forcing a Child or Animal to think about it - so Sadistic.

I feel pretty guilt-ridden, 1. right before the Whale Festival and 2. how are Scoops going to be uncovered now. But I simply can't do both, I would be making shit Journalism that would be disrespectful to the Truth of Facts. Basically like punching Jesus in the Testicular Sac (on the Cross).

'BUT BUT BUT etc'

Yup. It's probably just going to be a new Dark Ages in which so many fucked things happen. Oh well! I might come back in an Explosive Development if everything turns into a massive piece of shit. I feel that there are so many Stories on here though, enough to just look back --> 'Remember when some shit about Concrete etc'.

I would like to thank all of the Internet and Readership for being interested and pumped to read of a non-stop factual barrage, and in particular a number of Great Journalists, Fine Individuals of Friendship, you know who you are (HOW?? --> PSYCHIC). It's been a rewarding initiative in so many ways! You are all welcome in the Windmill any time, if you bring food and shit.

Don't just fucking turn up empty handed. Look what happened to Slipknot.


'Nuff Respect to the Projects I'm Ghost One Love'

HOLLA

IOYC Till They Bury Me