DEAD LETTERING DELEGATES

What's up peeps. Unfortunately things are a bit fucked up around here right now as I just got the following in the mail:

Dear IOYC,

I suppose you think you're pretty good, what with your Web Page. Well let me tell you something - I think you suck heaps. In fact I know more facts than you and am a better Journalist. How do you like that? Me telling you how it is?

Also, I'd probably be able to beat you in a game of Chess or Badminton or even fucking Rounders, if you want.

Yours Sincerely,

"WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!?"

All I can think is either:

(a) Pissed off ex-cop with axe to grind (a perennial favourite); or
(b) A perennial favourite.


'That Casio has a lean and hungry look'

Anyway I'm not letting it get to me, luckily I have developed flawless techniques of Aero Fighting, shitloads of Self-Esteem etc. I'm just remembering what one of my Mentors told me some day when we were probably like fishing in straw hats or some shit: "If you wrassle with a Pig, you both get covered in Muck, hey BTW sweet straw hat 'a Younger IOYC' what say we blow this fishing off and maybe wrassle maybe naked nahmean."

Shit Mentor.

SAMOA: A TOTAL HOAX?

DENTIST'S MAD HE SAYS MY WORDS ABUSE MY MOUTH

Slow News Day, thought I'd try my Learned Hand at a historic romance. Download this over a massive LAN, if you want to get 'Powned' by Feelings:


The Captain Hath Returned
A Timeless Story of Feelings by IOYC Dingleberry, Esq


SCENE 1: A County Fairground



LADY COMMODORE: Hey - hi, you'll never fucking guess - The Captain Hath Returned!

LADY SCARBOROO: No shit bro, I have so many unrequited Feelings of that Captain, but I can't ever say them, due to Restraint.

L. COMMODORE: Haha - suck shit.

L. SCARBOROO: PLEASE can you show me to my Chaise I think I have the Vapours or some shit and require a big Tonic.

L. COMMODORE: How big?

L. SCARBOROO: Really, pretty big.

L. COMMODORE: No shit eh.

-----

SCENE 2: Int. A Stablehand's Modest Quarters

L. COMMODORE: Oh dearest Stablehand, if only you weren't fucked of Servant Class, I would love to marry you.



STABLEHAND: MEGA SIGH, I suppose I'll soon contract Tuberculosis.

MANSERVANT: [Entering Rapidly] THE CAPTAIN HATH RETURNED Milady!!

A fight ensues.

L. COMMODORE: Oh dear I hope somebody bought like 450 litres of Tonic.

-----

SCENE 3: Int. Gosford Park or similar

Gathered round are some Ladies in Waiting, various Manservants, fanning and playing cards and shit.

THE CAPTAIN enters.




MEGA PAUSE.






Captain: I Hath Returned.

Tonic just pretty much sprays out the fucking walls.

---------------



What do you think? I reckon it really 'captures the moment'.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Hey - nothing much happening around here.


"YEAH, PRETTY CHILLED OUT"

Damn bro! Where did you come out from.


"I'M JUST JOINED, YOU WANNA HANG OUT AND SHIT?"

Well I've got stories to file and so on, pretty busy, maybe slot something in for a weekend or similar,



"FORGETTING SOMEONE PAL?"


"WHO IS THAT IDIOT?"

This is soooo fucked up right now.

"Sooooo
fucked up
right now"

I'll be in my trailer.

DEAR DIARY PART IXVXMMC

So, time to 'get personal' with all this shit that's been happening these days. Today was pretty sweet, smoked a big salmon which I'll serve up later on a platter. In the afternoon I trained in Judo Defusion for a number of hours, it was exhausting (for my trainers - I didn't even break a sweat). Then it was like, 'enough of this down-time' and I got to work on some factual stories for Editors and shit. Those dudes never rest, always trying to make sure everyone knows the Truth of what is going on in the world, or at least a watered down version of it, which is super honourable.

After several rounds of Work I sat back and pondered the fate of my dear old friend, Spameron. Spameron changed his name from Cameron back in the day when anything seemed possible, pretty much last week. I think it's been a success for him, but who knows, the jury is still out, deliberating, seriously deliberating, it's no bullshit of jury duty -> Civic Pride etc.

"THIS PLOT IS TIGHTER THAN A FUCKING CORSET"

I'm thinking of optioning it off, so don't be surprised if it's the smash hit of summer '08 or similar.

MEGA PAUSE

Great, my Dark Mark just flared up.