Sunday, December 04, 2005

ANYBODY GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, BETTER BE RUNNING AWAY

So - I just took up Jogging. To cut a long story short my fitness levels were 'through the floor' and an Alternative Medical Practitioner said 'Dude if you don't start Jogging, you are FUCKED. Now, give me £1,000 GBP and Jog the hell out of here before I open your Meridians.' I was a bit disappointed with the Bedside Manner of that Alternative Medical Practitioner, but didn't hesitate to fuck right off as instructed. Wait till his £1,000 GBP Cheque bounces, then we'll see who's laughing (it's likely neither of us will be laughing).


Derek: A Joke about Jogging
Anastasia: LOL

Basically Jogging is just the same as running. You start in one place, and run to somewhere else. There are so many health benefits to it, it's fun, humourous, just plain great most of the time.

"SOUNDS FUCKING DANGEROUS"

I won't lie - it is.

"Each time you run, you may be exposing yourself to criminal elements; criminals who may see a female jogger as easy prey. Even macho men have been attacked or robbed while jogging alone."


'I live with Fear every Day'

"There can be no death any more horrifying than one from a bear attack. As you walk or travel through bear territory, and if you can not see more then 50 to 100 feet in front of you, call out every few minutes until you enter a clear area. Some people call out, others sing, some wear bear-bells."

All this danger was freaking me out, so I Jogged straight to the World's Illest and Safetiest Country, Sweden. You might remember some shit about a Heat Pump there, well I tell you the place was hotter than a Furnace (that had been switched off and placed in Ice). Here's what happened in Sweden.

1. Some fucking massive Party of Yuletide, dudes jumping up and down in the Spirit of 'Jesus is the Reason for the Season'.
2. I got like 5 Mobile Phones, was just calling up my own Mobile Phones, all day. 'Hey IOYC, what's up Chief - Not much just calling you / myself'.
3. Learning Swedish in a really Benign Institution. It's not such a hard language when you master the Vowel Sounds of it.

I'm back in the Windmill now, just chilling and drinking Electrolytes. Tomorrow I might Jog to another country, once I've finished investigating safety aspects --> ISO900 etc.

2 Comments:

Blogger Adam said...

Are you possibly the greatest Journalist that ever existed?

1:44 PM  
Anonymous bt said...

Ditto that! Best month ever.

Some ways to stop a bear:

1. Bring Slipknot along (ie. screaming/scary masks)
2. Bring a bee from bonnet to make honey to distract bear.
3. Escape through a "door" you have won.

8:36 PM  

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