Friday, March 30, 2007

HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE THE LANDSCAPE CHANGED

So, this is happening:









"I AM NOT MENTALLY OR PHYSICALLY READY FOR STEDMAN IN THIS FORM"



Stedman takes a lot of forms. You better start training.

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Thursday, March 15, 2007

EVEN THE ARMADILLOS GOT NECK PROTECTION

So one thing I've been doing lately is playing hella Darts. It's not a game you'd normally associate with, unless you are really into it. I'm at the point now where I can just do like 40 Bullseyes in a row. Most people will struggle to hit the fucking board, let alone post a massive score.

"I CAN'T EVEN HIT A WALL FROM 1 CM AWAY"

I don't know why this is. Perhaps the average co-ordination of the populace has dropped since Neanderthals had to throw Darts at Cows in order to survive. It's a pity as the sport itself is so refreshing, free from the commercialism that has ruined most pastimes. A typical press conference with a Darts practitioner would be like,

SPORT 'JOURNALIST': Who is your new Sponsorship, eh buddy?
NOBLE DARTS PRACTITIONER: If I had to dignify your query with an answer, my Learned Friend, I would suggest you take note of the blank canvas that is my uniform, my baggage located hence containing my Darts, (motions), mine coach who sits yonder - all of them festooned without logos of Sponsor, I Dart for the love of it which runs through the veins of my family.
SPORT 'JOURNALIST': I am retiring from my profession to become a priest.



Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to practice my technique, pretty disciplined as it is already basically perfect.


'These Darts are all that is left of my Once Proud Empire (and this folder)'

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Sunday, March 11, 2007

STARVING FOR METAL

Having a dinner party? Why not turn it into the talk of the town with this fucking degustation right here.

EXPLOSIVE NOODLE STEAK 'DEL JARDIN'
An Moderne Recipe by IOYC, Michelin Chef

INGREDIENTS

250g Potassium Chloride (A Chemical Salt)
15 portions Explosive Noodles
1 Steak
Butter
Ambergis, shitloads of it

UTENSILS

Nous
Good Soundtrack (The Vinders? A bit of Iron Mansion?)
Really great pan

PROCEDURE

Combine the K+Cl and Butter into the pan, and just stir it up for ages until you can't tell what has happened. Let sleep for 45 mins. When it awakes, gently and lovingly fold the Steak and Explosive Noodle into it, browning softly until you are ready start poaching the absolute fuck out of it. Go for it! You won't get another chance. Keep going, don't stop, even if you think you can't take it any more. Trust me - you can. Allow the sountrack to start up, say Track IV at a volume of 9. Work in the rhythm of it, USE YOUR NOUS! At 3:08 the Noodles will begin Exploding - quickly remove from heat. Discard steak into several bowls. Brush what is left of your kitchen with ambergis, spray it everywhere, weeping in a ruinous frenzy.

Serves 40.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

THE CAT'S OUT OF THE LOUIS VUITTON