Sunday, March 11, 2007

STARVING FOR METAL

Having a dinner party? Why not turn it into the talk of the town with this fucking degustation right here.

EXPLOSIVE NOODLE STEAK 'DEL JARDIN'
An Moderne Recipe by IOYC, Michelin Chef

INGREDIENTS

250g Potassium Chloride (A Chemical Salt)
15 portions Explosive Noodles
1 Steak
Butter
Ambergis, shitloads of it

UTENSILS

Nous
Good Soundtrack (The Vinders? A bit of Iron Mansion?)
Really great pan

PROCEDURE

Combine the K+Cl and Butter into the pan, and just stir it up for ages until you can't tell what has happened. Let sleep for 45 mins. When it awakes, gently and lovingly fold the Steak and Explosive Noodle into it, browning softly until you are ready start poaching the absolute fuck out of it. Go for it! You won't get another chance. Keep going, don't stop, even if you think you can't take it any more. Trust me - you can. Allow the sountrack to start up, say Track IV at a volume of 9. Work in the rhythm of it, USE YOUR NOUS! At 3:08 the Noodles will begin Exploding - quickly remove from heat. Discard steak into several bowls. Brush what is left of your kitchen with ambergis, spray it everywhere, weeping in a ruinous frenzy.

Serves 40.

6 Comments:

Blogger Yubris said...

Just when I was feeling crap and getting all plosive. No longer! Not with this newfoundland Recipe for Desiderata!

Nitrotoluene that shit up x3 (triple-baked clotted cream?)

8:05 PM  
Anonymous welsh said...

I find it is so hard to follow recipes. Is there a gas Mark you can connect me up with?

7:01 AM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Welsh

Certainly - just use Gas Mark 'K'. Also perhaps enrol in a correspondence course to boost your skills?

Kind Regards,

7:04 AM  
Blogger Dave Mack said...

hahahahaha very good!

2:45 PM  
Blogger that's mister nora to you, sonny said...

Dear BWFS

I tried your recipe but half way through I dropped a bowl of explosions and totally ran out of NOUS. Can I use 100-150ml of CAN DO ATTITUDE as a substitute? If not, can you tell me where to purchase more nous? Where possible, I prefer to buy Latvian.

Thanks in advance.

xoxo nora

6:38 PM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Mister Nora

Sure, you can use CAN-DO rather than NOUS, only problem is it will make your Noodle Flavour into 'ferrous tang of defeat'. Do you really want to serve that up to a room full of expectant Guests, innocent old Guests without Homes to go back to, probably?

I suggest running around town just grabbing NOUS off shelves in a pre-apocalyptic frenzy. Cheap, Soviet Bloc, whatever just DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.



(NB: I may have used some Unnecessary Melodrama to make a point here, I reckon it's pretty sweet though).

Kind Regards,

7:36 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home