SINCE THE FACE BEEN REVEALED GAME GOT REAL

How many dudes / chicks you know got the skills to rock an investigation of Troubled Jerk Pete Doherty?


'Pito Saute Aukilagi'

Checkit:

Clinician's Notes: Doherty proved to be a compliant and pretty sweet Interview subject, answering Queries with a Degree of Aplomb normally reserved for those with Degrees in Aplomb. Interview commences 4:48pm, right on time.

IOYC: Ayo Doherty, fuck's up champ!?
PD: Holla IOYC, just chilling with my Newfound Wife K. Moss. Say hi if you want.
IOYC: Whatever, do you agree it is now 4:48pm and that I am the realness? (note my Professionalism)

Doherty nods imperceptibly.

IOYC: Sick. So, Doherty, do you want to buy this pretty good Crack I have in my windpipe right here ready to regurgitate like a stupid Bird.
PD: Hell YES I want to buy that Crack.
IOYC: Too bad I swallowed it, now I am high as fuck. Jealous?

PD stares wistfully out a Window

-----

I think it went pretty well given the circumstances. You can see I tried to help that dude out but realistically, I can only show him the door - he has to walk through it.

"YOUR LEVEL OF COMPASSION IS SO GREAT IT IS ACTUALLY MAKING MY GENITALS HURT"

I've got a Salve that might help with that.






"REALLY?"

Not this shit again.

IT IS WHAT IT IS

THEY CAN'T SPIT LOVE ONLY MORE PRODUCTION

Guess what, I am totally chilled out nursing an Infant right now, having just got back from explaining the benefits of TV to like 45 Producers. Here is some of the notes I gave them, don't try and pass these ideas off as your own like I won't know when they are fucking dominating the ratings.

IOYC Memo
-------------
Re: Ideas
Date: Recently
Urgency: HOLY SHIT

A CONFIDENTIAL MEMO


Doc Holliday Bongo Explosion

A meeting of Wild West antics and West Indian antics to form something pretty 'ENERGISING'.
Handwritten Note: Starring a Handsome Man as D. Holliday?


A Picnic In Hanging Rock

Some dudes and chicks decide it would be a good idea to go on a massive excursion to a haunted rock. Guess what, it all fucks up.


World Championship Bowling

Have you ever seen Bowling so powerful all the pins just smash up into bits and then without warning the bits blow up like fireworks?

[INDEED HAS THERE EVER BEEN SUCH A BOWLING BEFORE]


Churlish Show

A contest to see who can be the most Churlish. There will be a 'Scowl-Cam' probably if the budget allows for it, what is the budget pls.

----


I think these ideas are getting close to realising my true potential.


'My True Potential?'

DON'T ASK ME, ASK MINISTRY

This is new - I decided to really get a massive sense of Social Responsibility and involve myself in the politics of the day, like a Latter-Day Jefferson (Airplane?) just plain stepping in where I'm not wanted to tell others what's best for themselves.

"IS THIS SOME NEW EMO SHIT THAT MIGHT MAKE ME FUCKING VOMIT"

Don't be bandying that BS around like I won't lop your head clean off and watch it roll down a hill.

Recognise:

IOYC'S GUIDE TO POLITICS


'Under my Benevolent Rule there will be an increase in WTF'

1. Helping

Politics is often about helping others, because they are fucked. Let's face it, 'Everybody Hurts - Sometimes'. There are so many ways to help Clean Nuclear Families - stimulate Competition, Tarriffs, give them a Welfare / Services, buy a new TV, 'embrace and really just hug the fuck out of Values', explode Childs, prevent 'unrest', build a big fucking Road (Jobs + Road = OOH YEAH).

2. Setting an example

It's important to know that Politics attracts the 'best and the brightest'. You will find that what's important is the welfare of everyone and 'Achieving Grand Visions', not just some puerile bullshit like you might see in a Playground. It works like this because the system is perfect, even though it was made like 2,000 years ago, before Brains were invented. You can argue until you are fucking Blue in the Face and then you will be correct, so man the Barricades with so much Conviction in your Giant Righteous Testicles / Fallopia.

3. Telling others What to Do

'Ayo, IOYC, you are probably pretty stupid, why don't you do as I say in regards to a Freedom of Information or similar'.

Why certainly Minister. How's about I suggest an alternative, that I simply come round to your house and argue you into the ground until you are a whimpering little fish, and then Semtex your Mind into Outer Space.

4. Surety

It's so fucking important to be really 100% totally sure of what your beliefs in Politics are. That is because the way the world works is completely Black and White. Do you love a Market? How about Smashing a State? Are you for or against important issues such as Flag-Melting, weddings for Gay, what other people teach their Childs. DON'T YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT RETARD DOLPHINS OR SIMILAR. You'd better hurry up and become fucking polarised really soon you Doubting Thomas - remember what happened to that dude?? (Jesus felt sorry of him).

5. Spin Doctory

Now that we've entered an era of total Post-Facts, who gives a flying catshit about Realness. The important thing is to 'keep the public informed of what's best for them to know, at this time, in a manner that suits our interests of becoming re-elected by said public, for their own good, to push our agenda, of being remembered as pretty ill, and fulfilling the dreams of our forefathers of Yore while pleasing Interest Groups'.

Of course, if everyone knew / cared about heaps of shit that was really happening, we would have fuck all time to enter a Lifelong Dream Contest of Singing Since I was a Fucking Annoying Child or Win A Dream Home Renovation of Endless Prosperity.

6. Playing the 'Great Game of Empire'

This is not just some shit you can do on a MMPORG (WTFLOLBRB) or similar - if you 'have all the answers' or just plain 'take on the yoke of responsibility for all of us, reluctantly but sternly', then you might like to fuck with lives like little pieces on a Board. It's been going on since the Dawn of Time, so why stop now? Don't trouble your head with the blood of Childs on your hands, what are you, a do-gooding Wimp? What have wimps ever accomplished? You can bet it wasn't a wimpy Nerd of Science that invented the Giant Bomb (oh wait, yes it was --> Another Round, Please Vendor).

7. Actions speak louder than Words

While you are reading this on your fancy shit some Baby Childs in Blackistan probably just stepped on a Landmine full of AIDS.


I hope this has cleared up a bunch of shit - I just dashed it off on the train to Cockfosters.