Monday, January 08, 2007

DON'T ASK ME, ASK MINISTRY

This is new - I decided to really get a massive sense of Social Responsibility and involve myself in the politics of the day, like a Latter-Day Jefferson (Airplane?) just plain stepping in where I'm not wanted to tell others what's best for themselves.

"IS THIS SOME NEW EMO SHIT THAT MIGHT MAKE ME FUCKING VOMIT"

Don't be bandying that BS around like I won't lop your head clean off and watch it roll down a hill.

Recognise:

IOYC'S GUIDE TO POLITICS


'Under my Benevolent Rule there will be an increase in WTF'

1. Helping

Politics is often about helping others, because they are fucked. Let's face it, 'Everybody Hurts - Sometimes'. There are so many ways to help Clean Nuclear Families - stimulate Competition, Tarriffs, give them a Welfare / Services, buy a new TV, 'embrace and really just hug the fuck out of Values', explode Childs, prevent 'unrest', build a big fucking Road (Jobs + Road = OOH YEAH).

2. Setting an example

It's important to know that Politics attracts the 'best and the brightest'. You will find that what's important is the welfare of everyone and 'Achieving Grand Visions', not just some puerile bullshit like you might see in a Playground. It works like this because the system is perfect, even though it was made like 2,000 years ago, before Brains were invented. You can argue until you are fucking Blue in the Face and then you will be correct, so man the Barricades with so much Conviction in your Giant Righteous Testicles / Fallopia.

3. Telling others What to Do

'Ayo, IOYC, you are probably pretty stupid, why don't you do as I say in regards to a Freedom of Information or similar'.

Why certainly Minister. How's about I suggest an alternative, that I simply come round to your house and argue you into the ground until you are a whimpering little fish, and then Semtex your Mind into Outer Space.

4. Surety

It's so fucking important to be really 100% totally sure of what your beliefs in Politics are. That is because the way the world works is completely Black and White. Do you love a Market? How about Smashing a State? Are you for or against important issues such as Flag-Melting, weddings for Gay, what other people teach their Childs. DON'T YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT RETARD DOLPHINS OR SIMILAR. You'd better hurry up and become fucking polarised really soon you Doubting Thomas - remember what happened to that dude?? (Jesus felt sorry of him).

5. Spin Doctory

Now that we've entered an era of total Post-Facts, who gives a flying catshit about Realness. The important thing is to 'keep the public informed of what's best for them to know, at this time, in a manner that suits our interests of becoming re-elected by said public, for their own good, to push our agenda, of being remembered as pretty ill, and fulfilling the dreams of our forefathers of Yore while pleasing Interest Groups'.

Of course, if everyone knew / cared about heaps of shit that was really happening, we would have fuck all time to enter a Lifelong Dream Contest of Singing Since I was a Fucking Annoying Child or Win A Dream Home Renovation of Endless Prosperity.

6. Playing the 'Great Game of Empire'

This is not just some shit you can do on a MMPORG (WTFLOLBRB) or similar - if you 'have all the answers' or just plain 'take on the yoke of responsibility for all of us, reluctantly but sternly', then you might like to fuck with lives like little pieces on a Board. It's been going on since the Dawn of Time, so why stop now? Don't trouble your head with the blood of Childs on your hands, what are you, a do-gooding Wimp? What have wimps ever accomplished? You can bet it wasn't a wimpy Nerd of Science that invented the Giant Bomb (oh wait, yes it was --> Another Round, Please Vendor).

7. Actions speak louder than Words

While you are reading this on your fancy shit some Baby Childs in Blackistan probably just stepped on a Landmine full of AIDS.


I hope this has cleared up a bunch of shit - I just dashed it off on the train to Cockfosters.

6 Comments:

Blogger fluffy said...

How's Cockfosters?

1:08 PM  
Blogger meva said...

I thought you could get arrested for (ironically punctuated) 'dashing things off', especially on a phallic shaped vehicle to Cockfosters that probably had to GO THROUGH A TUNNEL.

But I could be wrong.

1:27 AM  
Anonymous Welsh said...

Cogent. So cogent.

3:01 AM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Fluffy et al

Cockfosters is fucking amazing but pretty chilled out.

Kind Regards,

4:03 AM  
Blogger Adam said...

Dear My IOYMCA,

Can you please tell me which country you are running for in politics so I can move there yesterday?

Kind regards,
Citizens of Earth or similar.

10:29 PM  
Blogger gigglewick said...

Dear Mr. IOYC,

I can't believe you have turned your back on realness.

What is the world coming to?

Won't somebody please think of the children/stop the carnage?

GW

3:07 PM  

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