WHERE ARE THEY NOW? ANSWER: RIDING A DEATH TRAIN TO SLAUGHTERSVILLE*

*Stopping all stations via Hurt Street

Sorry to be tha 'Bringa of Bad Newz' but I need to tell you right away about the Greico Situation. The thing is, I was just doing a little snooping around Richard Greico, wire tap, surveillance photo, totally casual, maybe thinking 'War of Terror', maybe just like 'sup, Greico, how do you like a cover of Fame Magazine', when things got out of control real quick. Greico snapped and is after me on some kamikaze shit like an angry Bee.


'I'll sign this Autograph and then your Death Warrant'

I don't know what the deal is, simply that he was obviously edgy as fuck beforehand and waiting for any excuse to go off. Just an example of 'wrong place, wrong time' I suppose. Normally I'd be totally nonchalant, waiting for Greico just like Kurtz, chilling in a Village doing Tai Chi a bit fucked up with no facial expressions. Thing is I have been leaked all this intel on Greico -> apparently he is gone from pretty harmless to fucking Weapons Grade. Is the dude a fucking Terrorist or Resistance Movement or what? Does Terror win if I totally shit myself in fear about this? What the fuck is the right level of Alarming Colour for this shit!?! I'm starting to think that I just fucking attract Big Problems.

"NAH MAN, DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF"

Thanks, but it's cold comfort (farm?).

ANOTHER BREAK OF POETRY

Why don't you read my poem about Germs, have you got something better to do.

GERMS
A Complete Magnum Opus by IOYC

Germs
They live in all of us
Fucking with our lives
But if it wasn't for them (eg, mitochondria)
You would dead set fuck up in about 5 seconds

No Fake Modesty but I think this poem sums up so much about Life, Existence 'Raison D'Etre' etc - is there a competition where I can win for it?

"CRYING"


'Consolation Prize?'

METAL MAKES US STRONG, TOGETHER WE BELONG

I've been catching up on Relationships. This is some new frontier of Journalism to try out, because normally I am only focussed on the most hard hitting shit ever, not leaving the razor sharp world of Facts for one split second.

"NO SHIT PAL"

There is such a fucking pot-pourri of information out there on like 'How to Meet a Perfect Dude / Chick incl For Gay', seems like everyone is talking about it. I've been especially enamoured of 'modern advice', on like, where to shop / clothes for attracting the Greatest Mate, how to not fuck up in Conversation ('Hi - I am recently a Murderer of Childs'), what's up with Intercourse and so on.


'Don't turn around'

Let's throw open the lines:

Dear IOYC,
I recently became heartbroken when my Wife decided to leave me for the Cloth. How can I conceivably smash up the Lord, in this scenario.

Signed,
Hurting in San Francisco

Dear Hurting
I'm afraid you are fucked up now. The Lord simply cuts the fuck out of lunches all day long like it's nothing, which is probably true, for Him. I guess console yourself if you want on some 'she's in a better place' shit.

Dear IOYC,
How do I get a Man to like me? I think I am pretty sweet.

Signed,
Pretty Sweet

Dear Sweet,
For starters, probably a good thing to do is simply run up and scream the lyrics to a Song right in his / its face, make it a love song, something like 'Theme of Beaches' should do the trick.

Dear IOYC,
Should I obtain a Wedding Certificate, or just 'one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them' or similar, in a Church.

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,
Your question makes fuck all sense bro. Lay off the crack.


Ok - this is fucking exhausting. Back to Facts.

MY IN DEPTH ROLODEX GOT JAPANESE CONNECTS

Well what do you fucking know I just received a telex from Japan informing me that I have inherited the Chrysanthemum Throne. I literally need to be in Tokyo in 45 mins to be Coronated as Imperial Majesty.

"ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE A PLANE OR SOME KIND OF FUCKING ROCKET TO GET THERE THAT FAST??"

To be honest that's the least of my worries at this point. I'm a bit ambivalent about the whole thing, as usual 'chronic indecisiveness is playing havoc with my life plans'. Shits me a bit, as this is a major decision, remain in current environs of 'Pretty chilled out in Sunny House nee Windmill' or 'Move to Japan and Rule ushering in a new era of Militant Imperialism based on Taoist Principles and Some Animism'. This isn't some shit like, 'what do I like more, iPod or iPod Nano'.


'Passport - check, Tickets - check, Babies - check'

To help me decide what to do I thought I would throw an I Ching, culturally insensitive but 'when in Rome' etc. I'm imagining this whole episode will be BLACKED OUT [no racist] of my official bio as Emperor.

Does anyone know how to interpret the results of an I Ching? No pressure, but the fate of entire nations is resting on this shit.

AND IN THE STILLNESS, THE DANZIG

I've just stumbled across some portion of the internet that has made my blood boil. Is this what passes for journalism and social commentary these days? I can't make head or tail of some these so called 'scoops'. Exactly what is a 'childs'? I simply don't understand what is entertaining about Jeff Probst for example. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

"SUCKED IN MOTHERFUCKER, I PUNCHED OUT YOUR WIFE AND BOUGHT A T-SHIRT"

Holla.

So I got shat out of the Windmill (LET'S NOT GO INTO IT), since then I've been holidaying all over the shop, took in a film or two, bought probably 2,000 Pears, attended a Seminar, and now I feel it's time to return to the field of Journalism. The thing is there was a brief 'Dietary Crisis', which I resolved by simply eating the entire works of Frenchman Albert Camus.


'In the depths of Winter, I discovered there lay within me fuck all calories'

Let's talk more about this:

WHAT I DID ON MY HOLIDAYS
A metaphorical journey into the past

1. Skiing

I got the biggest season pass ever, Wisdom of Salomon, that kind of thing. The reason I went was pretty simple --> it seemed like a good idea at the time. Luckily, it was.

"I'LL BET, I FUCKING WISH IT WAS SNOWING RIGHT NOW, IN MY HOUSE"

Why don't you think things through before you say them. Skiing is pretty good, let's not ruin it with stupidity.

2. Looked a Gift Horse in the Mouth

It had without a doubt the shittest teeth ever. I'm fucking glad I looked and didn't listen to Sayings.

3. Won an International Florist Award

The deal with this was, just plant heaps of seedlings and use floristry skills to turn them into magnificent specimens. Call me a sissy if you want, I'll just shrug it off. I've been down with floristry since way back in the day, before it became cool. Nowadays it's everywhere but I still do it, because I love it.

"SHIT BRO, YOU AREN'T PLAYING"

You know it. Now if you'll excuse me I need to work on a Draft Proposal. That shit isn't going to write itself, unless my House is fucked from haunting.