Friday, February 10, 2006

DEAR DIARY PART II (TWO)

Well, it's been another massive few days of just so much shit happening. I turned 136, which is pretty old but also young compared to someone that is like, 450. All you ever hear, at 450, "remember the good ole days when I didn't look like an Albino Sultana" etc etc, will it ever end. To celebrate my Birth I decided to build an entirely new house and eat a massive Apricot.

I'm not kidding, that Apricot was the size of a fucking Airport. If you saw it, the first thought would be to challenge my ability to eat it. I'd respond by simply eating the whole thing in one gulp, staring directly at you without blinking or even opening my Mouth. Leaving you with egg on your face (also Apricot / shrapnel of Apricot?).

Imagine if Good Will Hunting was forced to 'do the Math' on that shit. SCORE:

IOYC: Ultimate Victory
Good Will Hunting: Despair / Therapy of Robin Williams.

The house building went alright, an Architecture Marvel in many ways, but forgot to bring a 'Spirit Guide Level' so the place is pretty wonky. It hasn't really solved my House Related Crisis but you can't expect miracles from Realty or Construction (unless you hire Jesus as Carpenter --> Good Luck at like, time and a billion).

"IS THIS JUST SOME COMPLETE BULLSHIT"

Oh sorry, perhaps you need some directions to get to Shut Up Village. IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

My plans for the rest of the day include:

1. Sell Furniture to the highest bidder and receive Positive Feedback.
2. Rally against the forces of Evil, but pretty quietly.
3. Try not to offend people with really itchy trigger fingers (eg recently Divorced Cops with severe eczma).
4. Make friends with a Stork (or at a pinch, a Heron).


'Check my Rhinoplasty'

11 Comments:

Blogger Yubris said...

Ha Ha! Rhinoplasty! That one had me in fucking stitches!



No... seriously... They hurt. I need to get them removed before my rippling torso transmogrifies my face (when cosmetic surgery goes wrong, Fräulein Wildenstein, etc).

4:58 AM  
Blogger Dxxxx said...

Holy fuck. You are a genius. No really.
That is all.

Dxxxx

2:13 PM  
Blogger la nadine said...

my hairdresser burnt my face on friday.

happy 136th.

5:35 PM  
Blogger thr said...

So the windmill is to be demolished?

6:17 PM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Y'All

In answer to all of these things:

1. Marine Lipid Concentrate MaxEPA 1000mg.
2. That sounds so distressing, lucky I have a Noise Reduction Headphone on hand.
3. Unlikely, unless it is the Will of Allah.

Kind Regards,
IOYC Second in Command

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