ZEN AND THE ART OF BEING PRETTY FUCKING SWEET

Ayo, readers. Check this, I just became totally Enlightened the other day, under the tutelage of this ill Roshi who was visiting from Feudal Japan (I think - he was so non-specific regarding his Origins). If you're wondering 'what did this scene look like', imagine a Mr Miyagi type dude (pre-Corpse), and then me just chilling in some armchairs / fighting on a Cliff.

It's pretty dope being 'one with the universe', but also a big helping of 'so, what next'? Here's a transcript of what happened --> be careful in case you also get Enlightened whilst reading it (eg if you're at a Place of Employment).

IOYC: Sup Roshi, how's my Beginner's Mind? I reckon it's top-notch.
ROSHI: It reminds me of the story of some monk or some shit, a flower petal falling on a tree.
IOYC: Your brand of Buddha is so infused with humour (AND PATHOS).
ROSHI: Tell me about it - I fucking love it.
IOYC: So, how can I get Enlightenment, it's really eluding me.
ROSHI: As long as you search for the Gate, you will never find the Gate.
IOYC: Shit. Just straight up tell me where the Gate is, if you want.
ROSHI: I can't, Buddha will have my nuts.
IOYC: Fuck this.

[MEGA PAUSE]

ROSHI: [Looks pretty mysterious]
IOYC: This is taking a while.

[MEGA PAUSE]

IOYC: HOLY SHIT.

If there's one thing I can say about being Enlightened, it's not too shabby. From now on my Journalism will be pretty loaded with heaps more Buddha-Nature than previously --> a subtle change.


'Pre-Enlightenment Thinking'

DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME? --> LET'S TELL THEM

So, once again it's 'that time of the month (of December)', when we celebrate the Miraculous Birth of that Precious Little Lamb by eating a big fat turkey and just fucking giving it to everyone we care about (ie Presents). I've already got all my Gifts sorted out, according to a Schedule, cop this:

IOYC Family Members
Golden Nuggets, Cameras, Buckets of Soil.

FRIENDS LEVEL ONE
Warm Greetings, maybe a little Bath Towel.

FRIENDS LEVEL TWO
Pretty much fuck all.

All the Compliments of the Season to everyone!!


A possible Gift for my Aunt?

HONG KONG: THE LAST STRAW?

Ok, so I'm back in Hong Kong AGAIN. I had such high hopes that the place would have cleaned up its act since I fucking slammed the shit out of it earlier in the year. The intervening period could have been a time of great soul-searching for Hong Kong, 'where did we all go wrong Hong Kong etc', leading to a pretty dope 'cycle of change and growth'.

Instead if anything it's gotten even shitter. I can't even look at it really. If I glance at some dude of Hong Kong out the corner of my eye, I just get filled with anger and despair, plus a big helping of 'Dude, you could have fixed Hong Kong ---> Recently'.


'I'm seeing a Patten emerging'

ANYBODY GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, BETTER BE RUNNING AWAY

So - I just took up Jogging. To cut a long story short my fitness levels were 'through the floor' and an Alternative Medical Practitioner said 'Dude if you don't start Jogging, you are FUCKED. Now, give me £1,000 GBP and Jog the hell out of here before I open your Meridians.' I was a bit disappointed with the Bedside Manner of that Alternative Medical Practitioner, but didn't hesitate to fuck right off as instructed. Wait till his £1,000 GBP Cheque bounces, then we'll see who's laughing (it's likely neither of us will be laughing).


Derek: A Joke about Jogging
Anastasia: LOL

Basically Jogging is just the same as running. You start in one place, and run to somewhere else. There are so many health benefits to it, it's fun, humourous, just plain great most of the time.

"SOUNDS FUCKING DANGEROUS"

I won't lie - it is.

"Each time you run, you may be exposing yourself to criminal elements; criminals who may see a female jogger as easy prey. Even macho men have been attacked or robbed while jogging alone."


'I live with Fear every Day'

"There can be no death any more horrifying than one from a bear attack. As you walk or travel through bear territory, and if you can not see more then 50 to 100 feet in front of you, call out every few minutes until you enter a clear area. Some people call out, others sing, some wear bear-bells."

All this danger was freaking me out, so I Jogged straight to the World's Illest and Safetiest Country, Sweden. You might remember some shit about a Heat Pump there, well I tell you the place was hotter than a Furnace (that had been switched off and placed in Ice). Here's what happened in Sweden.

1. Some fucking massive Party of Yuletide, dudes jumping up and down in the Spirit of 'Jesus is the Reason for the Season'.
2. I got like 5 Mobile Phones, was just calling up my own Mobile Phones, all day. 'Hey IOYC, what's up Chief - Not much just calling you / myself'.
3. Learning Swedish in a really Benign Institution. It's not such a hard language when you master the Vowel Sounds of it.

I'm back in the Windmill now, just chilling and drinking Electrolytes. Tomorrow I might Jog to another country, once I've finished investigating safety aspects --> ISO900 etc.