Tuesday, April 18, 2006

ELBOWS UNIQUE - NOW MEET THE NEW ME

Now I've gone and done it - I'm officially too fucking massive to even leave my Gymnasium.


'We have massive Inferiority Complexes regarding IOYC's fucking Ridiculous bulk'

What happened was, I was pumping so much iron, just shitloads of it, thinking 'Man, am I ever going to be the biggest and most well toned Journalist ever following this Epic Session', when I suddenly realised if I did just one more single 'rep' (repetition) I would not be able to fit through the Door to the outside world.

"MOTHERFUCKING WOAH"

Oh yeah - I did that 'rep' (repetition). Hereby follows a brief list of the pros and cons of that shit:

PROS

- Now FUCKING ENORMOUS
- Courage
- Ultra-handsome, if you like that kind of thing (WHO DOESN'T)
- Could probably punch an Oxen across a Plain
- So chilled out, almost impossibly so

CONS

- Stuck in Gymnasium
- Weigh more than a Bus
- Clothing can't fit without tearing into worthless shreds
- Totally emotionless (is all my Dopamine in my fucking Torso?)
- Some serious problems with Genitals that I won't go into here (summary: HOLY SHIT)

Question is, what the fuck am I going to do now. Are there any jobs that can be done while massive and stuck in a gym?

Don't say 'Pumping Iron'.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Mario said...

Whya you mayka me waita so long, huh?

1:55 AM  
Blogger la nadine said...

you be a professional spotter.

you know, spotting other massive fuckers while they lift weights.

or praps you could be a professional challenge.

other massive fuckers could pay to try and lift your massive bulk off the floor.

you could even do BOTH and rake in the dough.

i think i should be a careers counsellor.

or an astronaut.

that would be cool.

bye.

12:42 AM  
Blogger Brownie said...

Get a sewing machine into the gym and start making suits for all the other bodybuilders who cannot get their legs into normal trousers?

3:08 AM  
Blogger Dave Mack said...

Film an informercial.

Instead of trying to sell the boring and outdated concept of a "Home Gym". Turn the tables on the sucker CMs (consumers) and try and sell a "Gym Home"

Possible co-hosts could include actor "Mario Lopez" from TV's Saved by the Bell.

11:57 PM  
Blogger that's mister nora to you, sonny said...

Yo IOYC, I suggest maybe get into the Movie Film Business, molest some hos, and later run for Governor of California. That should sort out your employment issue and chances are you will get the Fame, some real estate, and also possibly a Comical Accent.

Hey I notice Tinea House is now totally off the motherfucking Market. Not wanting to pry into trade secrets etc, but did you actually eat Tinea House to achieve the Hugeness? I know for a fact there is protein in mould bats mice and roaches.

xoxo nora

12:48 AM  
Blogger Adam said...

You can be scenery for short films.

"Whoa! Let's drive our car across these six perfectly defined and somewhat skin coloured hills to escape the indians!"

1:58 AM  
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7:47 PM  
Blogger maria said...

Dear IOYC,

Long time lover, first time poster.

If you're having trouble in your 'area' why not just go through some of your old comments..

You can get in touch with that guy who said he can help you extend your penis. I think he was talking about viagra or some such thing.

He was so super friendly and helpful I'm sure he'd even visit you in your gym(nasium).

10:48 PM  
Blogger Black Wind, Fire and Steel said...

Dear Y'All

1. My problems of Genitals are not going to be fixed with a little ole Tablet, they will require some shit like a Space Station Laser, Reaganomics etc.

2. I may even make the biggest motion picture ever in here, but it will be second to my other motion picture (in the Pipeline) entitled Lone Mossy Abandoned Pony Hi-Top Behind Faded Police Tape In State Forest. I need to get out of here to make that shit ASAP (quickly).

3. Dear Mister Nora, I didn't eat that Property but I might well have bought it (had I been at the Angry Price Contest). Soon I will live there in Peace and Harmony with all creatures.

I'm starting to shrink now as I haven't had a Creatine Explosion Muscle Shake in like, six hours. Maybe I'll achieve Freedom one day, *plays harmonium with wist*.

Kind Regards,
IOYC In Its Third Year

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