STYLES BEYOND AVERAGE

Yo, like 'Good Morning'.

I tell you what's difficult these days, dressing in a way that explains to the General Public your own personal realness. People are approaching me (pretty warily) saying like 'Ayo IOYC, which Hat / Denim / Furious Axe of Destiny should I wield to Hillary's Garden Soiree or whatever'. What am I, some kind of Agony Aunt? (NB: I would probably be fucking good at this). I think it's because the Fashion Police are everywhere, ratting on their neighbours through a network of informants just like we were behind the Iron Curtain of Ancient Prussia.


'No Shit'

So to save precious time I made up a compendium of basically heaps of bullshit, read it if you want, sif I care I'm so busy making plans for things that will happen in the future to even give two shits about the present.

IOYC'S GUIDE TO WEARING, FOR THE MODERN DUDE / CHICK

HAIR: Should be worn Short, with a hint of anger and some big fat trimmings. Inspiration for this season is from the Indonesian Martial Art of Silat, now defunct (beaten by Kung Fu).

SHOE: Ayo fuck a shoe, just wear a Sandal that says 'Hey - if you fuck with me I will forcibly take off this Sandal and cram it straight into your eye sockets, then we'll see (or more accurately you will NOT see) who is fucking with who'.

INK: Everyone should have a big tatt of say a stick of Gelignite exploding into a million pieces.

What's Hot For 2006

- Dressing as a Theme
- Tuning an Instrument
- A Desolate Wasteland inhabited only by The Wretched of the Earth

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What do you think about all of this? Don't shit me by just reprinting it on the cover of every single damn magazine like some childish prank.

ELBOWS UNIQUE - NOW MEET THE NEW ME

Now I've gone and done it - I'm officially too fucking massive to even leave my Gymnasium.


'We have massive Inferiority Complexes regarding IOYC's fucking Ridiculous bulk'

What happened was, I was pumping so much iron, just shitloads of it, thinking 'Man, am I ever going to be the biggest and most well toned Journalist ever following this Epic Session', when I suddenly realised if I did just one more single 'rep' (repetition) I would not be able to fit through the Door to the outside world.

"MOTHERFUCKING WOAH"

Oh yeah - I did that 'rep' (repetition). Hereby follows a brief list of the pros and cons of that shit:

PROS

- Now FUCKING ENORMOUS
- Courage
- Ultra-handsome, if you like that kind of thing (WHO DOESN'T)
- Could probably punch an Oxen across a Plain
- So chilled out, almost impossibly so

CONS

- Stuck in Gymnasium
- Weigh more than a Bus
- Clothing can't fit without tearing into worthless shreds
- Totally emotionless (is all my Dopamine in my fucking Torso?)
- Some serious problems with Genitals that I won't go into here (summary: HOLY SHIT)

Question is, what the fuck am I going to do now. Are there any jobs that can be done while massive and stuck in a gym?

Don't say 'Pumping Iron'.