I'M ON YOUR COMPUTER

I'M EVEN SCHOOLING SENIORS

2007-12-17T15:03:00.001-08:00

For all his faults, Stephen Chumby sure doesn't dick about when it comes to turn-around time. Check this.

-------------------

Dear IOYC

RE: FW:

Thanks for your letter of even date. I have processed all the information therein.

Unfortunately I cannot grant you an Employment; no fucking way bro. Remember what happened last time I was your Line Manager - it almost cost me my career.

In brief:

1. You and Derek Fan sent out a package of documents to our biggest client and marked the envelope 'Dear Cock Blankets'. Upon opening said envelope our biggest client found only 300 copies of a single photocopied sheet reading 'I <3 YOU'. I don't think Fan was behind this - he's a good guy just a little lost in the world. I think you were behind it. I REALLY THINK THAT.

2. A pretty huge deal was going down and I gave you full responsibility for compiling the final piece (of the deal). Upon entering your Office at 11:59 pm with Closure due on the stroke of Midnight I discover you playing Tetris to a very advanced stage. Fair enough I was fucking mesmerised by the sheer speed with which the Tetris shapes descended that screen. They were a blur. It was actually beautiful.

2a. The point is I gave you that responsibility.

2b. You shirked it.

In summary please don't ever try to contact me again however McLimits sends his regards, specifically he wanted me to tell you 'Hey what the fuck's up IOYC!! Shit yeah cuz! Been a while has it fuck!!'.

With Warm Regards,

Stephen R. Chumby
Line Manager

-------------------

'Plenty to think about'

NO INTRODUCTION NEEDED

2007-12-13T14:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Stephen Chumby,

RE: A LETTER

This correspondence finds me in a pensive mood, just chilling out looking through a Window with a faraway gaze at what is going on outside. Coincidentally my window looks onto 400 Televisions.

What has been happening lately well I enrolled in a powerful course of empowerment, boosting the fuck out of my shit. My resume actually looks like a framed version of the Nobel Prize. The trouble is that now my skill set is simply too great. I'll be given a problem, and solve it practically within milliseconds, pissing off my co-workers who are just trying to go about their day putting food on the table. Even old Alan O'Mallon, who used to be my staunchest ally, is giving me shit looks out the corner of his eye.

I suppose I will have to find new Employment, Chumby, and that is why I write to you now. Also just to see how it is going, did anything ever eventuate with that Periscope you were building in your house; as I recall there were some design difficulties, you designed it upside down, I tried to tell you using the gentlest possible terms and you advised and I quote "hey buddy, hey look, if you only want to fuck up my Periscope you can get out of my Home right now the door is just past my Crying Wife saying 'you've ruined everything' and then the next left".

So anyway about that Employment also pls say hello to McLimits and Derek Fan (do you still see those guys).

Yours sincerely,

DEREK TWIGG MP

2007-12-06T18:37:00.001-08:00

HARD TO GRASP LIKE SCIENCE AND MATH IS

2007-10-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

INT. COURT OF KING LOUIS XXXIVLMC

A Kingly Court full of so much Intrigue, to-ing, fro-ing / sycophancy, witticisms and so forth.

Lord Pompidour arrives on an amazing resplendent pony. It's almost laughable how fucking resplendent this dude is. He means business. Tossing off a curl over his shoulder he spies none other than arch-nemesis THE SINISTER BARON DU CRESPINY. That Baron of dark renown is talking to His Royal Highness, the Dauphin.

Lord Pompidour: (to hisself) Oh, there's that Du Crespiny - I'll give him a spray.

(brightly) Hullo my dear Dauphin! I bring news regarding His Highness the Duke of Bangleberry.

The Dauphin turns super slowly, really rubbing it in.

The Dauphin: O RLY?

Baron Du Crespiny: That is like so last year.

Assembled courtiers titter and wave fans politely and shit.

The Dauphin: (brightly) Ho hoho.

Lord Pompidour: I see my Lord. PERHAPS THE BARON DU CRESPINY WOULD LIKE TO GO OUTSIDE FOR A REALLY FUCKING BIG DUEL RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

The room falls silent. You could hear a bear shit in the nearby woods.

Baron Du Crespiny: Did you just step to me bro?

Assembled courtiers do whispering behind fans.

Lord Pompidour: I will devastate you ~~lyrically~~.

HANGING FOR THE CLIFFSIDE DRIP-DRY

2007-09-30T16:44:00.000-07:00

ATTN: Readers of Poems

I made three Poems.

----------

Hologram Dave

In a Cave lived Hologram Dave
Pretty pixelated dude,
'Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi'
Everyone said it to him all the time
Plus like throwing shit through him or turning off his Hologram Machine
Hence his recourse to a reclusive lifestyle
What a Knob

Sneaky Steve

Sneaky Steve had two left sleeves
On his favourite knitted top
When asked why
He'd simply sigh
And say 'My Granny is fucked in the head and it's affected our whole family'

Fancy Carol

Fancy Carol and her husband Darryl were very delightful folk
Oft be found lounging around sharing a witty joke
A really Great Lady

----------

I'll probably drop this shit at a Recital sooner rather than later.

SEPTEMBER: THE NEW CRUELEST MONTH?

2007-09-16T22:35:00.000-07:00

So I just upgraded the Security levels at my Dwelling. It was on advice from some really sweet Policy Mandarins I employed in the last six months. This shit sounds great, no more worries about enroachments in this volatile region, just leave cash and gems scattered around everywhere, do whatever the hell I feel like basically.

WRONG!

Things have gone too far, it is not feasible for me to enter my own house. Why the fuck did I choose an 85 digit alarm combination? Rain Man would fuck up on that shit. Plus all these massive Boobie-Traps, Laserbeams &c.

So now this is summarising my situation:

1. Stuck outside Dwelling
2. Laundry becoming a problem ('Hey dry cleaner, do you have a nude facility so I can wash MY CURRENT OUTFIT')
3. Minimal access to cash and gems, food
4. Can't say daily phrases like 'Just Going Downtown' or 'Let's Go Inside'

The worst part is the dude that installed the Security is on hols, 'Gone Fishin' or whatever taking a much needed break. Understandable I suppose he does work super hard and has a young family. But still, fuck his unprofessional approach!

If I had access to cash and gems I would pay to 'send him a little message' (eg: Postcard).

'This is why I'm hot'

20 TOP FILMS YOU MUST READ BEFORE YOU DIE

2007-09-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

These are pretty much in order so don't bother entering into a debate, it's just my opinion (which is correct).

1. Angleman
2. Dangerous Nanny
3. Amazonians II: Eruption
4. Mister Cop
5. That Ole Razzle Dazzle
6. That Ole Razzle Dazzle II: Eruption
7. The Assembly
8. Captain Gingerbread Biscuit
9. Terrifying Knife
10. Little Davy and the Magical Chest
11. Avec Rabbits
12. Gary: Anatomy of a Crime Scene
13. Con Ligante Pour Seneca ('A Fight Before Bedtime')
14. The Corruption of Alan Pencil
15. Secret Window
16. Love Trucks
17. Al'Harai Lumai'i ('Don't Forget to Leave')
18. Secret Window II: Magical Fantasy
19. It's A Digital Christmas
20. Cheer Up, Fat!

FINDYOURWHY.COM feat J. DI LEMME

2007-08-26T05:20:00.000-07:00

Name:_____________________

Email:_____________________

A SHORT HISTORY OF REALNESS

2007-08-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

CHECKING IN WITH GARY NEIWAND

2007-08-11T23:34:00.001-07:00

You may remember this dude if you are into riding a bicycle.

IOYC: So, Neiwand, what's been happening champ.
Neiwand: Well I have been riding my bike fucking heaps.
IOYC: Yeah figures. What sort of music do you like?
Neiwand: Smashing Pumpkins, Everclear, that kind of ill shit right there.
IOYC: [Nods sagely]
Neiwand: To be honest though most of my time is spent trying to forget the terrible incidents of yesteryear, which scarred my life forever.
IOYC: [Nods sagely] Tell me more about this.
Neiwand: I thought I made it clear that I was trying to forget that shit.
IOYC: You brought it up buddy. Outline the events of which you spake.
Neiwand: I will do no such thing.
IOYC: Outline them, or else.
Neiwand: Or else what.

IOYC actually raises an eyebrow in the direction of like 450 Weapons and fighting equipment scattered nonchalantly around the office or whatever.

Neiwand: Let's do this thing.

Neiwand assumes a fighting stance. IOYC eyes him warily - has riding a bike increased his ability to fuck up? Is he viewing this whole contest from the perspective of a velodrome?? WHAT IS GOING THROUGH THE MIND OF NEIWAND.

Neiwand ~~puts on his robe and wizard hat~~ comes in for some kind of kick, which IOYC uses to snap his leg right the fuck off and into bits.

IOYC: Sorry bro this how I roll.
Neiwand: THIS REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF THAT FUCKED UP SHIT FROM MY PAST.
IOYC: [Nods sagely]

Anyone experiencing problems of Cycling - you are not alone. Please call Neiwand on 1-800-NEIWAND for confidential advice and assistance.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

2007-07-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

"THIS IS PROBABLY THE WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE"

Buck up, champ.

PAINTING, YES?

2007-07-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

ANNUAL REPORT FINANCIAL YEAR 06/07

2007-07-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

We are fucking stoked to announce what can only be described as the most engrossing year in all of our Company's history. Our Balance Sheet has been the talk of the market, with much whispering behind closed doors and passing of notes in the Tea House ie speculation. Full credit to CFO Andrew Harbours, he smashed it up big time. Love you bro.

IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY AND RELEVANT PROVISIONS OF THE CORPORATIONS ACT HANDED DOWN BY HIS MAJESTY THE KING I PRESENT TO YOU HEREUNDER THE RESULTS OF OUR EPIC STRUGGLE TO UPHOLD THE HIGHEST FIDUCIARY STANDARD

-----------------

Poultry:

Cock Soup is up by 47% on last year. Projected margins on Cock Soup indicate that it will be even better in the future, due to unbearable demand. Proposed rights issue will finance more Cock products to launch in the next quarter.

Hand Lotions:

As a result of cutbacks in the Finger sector, we have turned profits up to a magnificent 8.5%. We are now so in the black it is actually racist to think about it. Everyone in the whole Lotions division got these really huge bonuses. Damn.

Pork Belly:

Ain't nobody buying this shit.

Graphs:

Our Graphing team delivered some red hot results this season. As at June the number of graphs produced is as follows:

UNLEASH THE WOLVES

2007-07-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

So I just finished eating the hell out of this Madeleine biscuit my Mother prepared earlier and kindly delivered to my room on a tea-tray ~~what the fuck was she doing in my house~~.

Most people will do this every single day of their lives but there was something special about this confection, something 'bloody magical'.. No bullshit there was almost music coming out of it - like a radio.

The scent of it provoked all these emotions I didn't even know I had, eg:

- Fear of Contracts
- Nonchalance
- Urge for more biscuits (Borderline Uncontrollable)

and finally,

- Whimsical Reverie

Check it:

INCIDENT FROM EARLY CHILDHOOD

LORD VOLDEMORT stands poised above a little crib, twirling his wand all over the place and incanting. He grows frustrated as spells rebound into walls & ors.

LORD VOLDEMORT: He bears that fucking mark, it's why I cannot kill him!!
HARRY POTTER: Gurgle or whatever (baby talk).
SOME MUGGLE: (Bursting in) Hey what the fuck is going on in here you pasty lizard.

LORD VOLDEMORT: (incanting) CONFABULOL kekeke >_<

The muggle fucks up pretty badly.

Lord Voldemort turns back to finish his awful task.

but,
POTTER IS GONE

LORD VOLDEMORT: (incanting) OH THIS IS SOME STRAIGHT UP BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE.

-----

Your childhood probably looks like a boring piece of shit compared to this.

CLENCHING THE FISTS OF DISSENT

2007-06-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

To the tune of 'Working 9-5', by D. Partons

Verse 1:
Oh, that prig Lance in B2B Sales
All he will do is beat his targets into the ground
Whereas I must complete this fucking memo
before I can go home and get shitfaced

AND YET I LOVE HIM

Chorus:
Working 9-5, or other similar hours
it is better that you should leave your work;
and sit at the gate of the temple;
and take alms of those who work with joy
What a fucking gyp

Verse 2:
Hullo, I am the boss
Please put down your allocated tasks; and then let's have lunch
How about it; lunch

WITH A VALUED CLIENT

You can complete your allocated tasks at the weekend

Chorus

Verse 3:
Oh yeah it's Friday, the eponymous day of TGIF
OMG get a load of ~~her~~ ~~him~~ herm,
Wanders over and like, Sure Call me

ON THIS INCORRECT NUMBER

Chorus

---

To be honest I'm really unsure as to where this is going.

'Do, de do de do de do'

La lalala.

GIG REVIEW: HIGHTOWER BREAKBEAT EXPLOSION

2007-05-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

So I went along to this last night with my old House Captain.

"I THINK I SAW YOU THERE"

Great, thanks for not saying hi.

I have been a massive fan of HBE ever since their first album, in fact before that when they were just thinking of forming a band in the future. From the opening number the whole band was fucking arresting, lead singer Garry Jackets working the stage from all angles, prancing up and down like a prancing pony. The rest of the band looked like a finger puppet in comparison.

Midway through, things turned up a notch when drummer Chico Chickles launched into a vicious unprompted solo. It didn't stop, it didn't even let up, even though people were screaming at the top of their lungs. I think something lit on fire, I don't know, I was actually hypnotised. Fuck, that Chickles sure can play the drums, which is suitable as this is his chosen profession.

A regular feature of HBE shows is the medal ceremony where the members hand out awards to the crowd for attending. This took fucking ages, but it really made everyone feel like they were part of something. I myself received a medallion for 'Total Excellence'. Unfortunately some dick monster mugged me of it on the way home - Note to venue organisers.

I managed to steal a setlist, check it out:

1. GO FOR THE VICTORY
2. KEEP GOING FOR THE VICTORY
3. VICTORY IS OURS

'By the Power of Grayskull, I resemble He-Man'

STREET JUSTICE: THE MUSICAL

2007-05-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

Opening Song and Dance.

Corey Twenty-Fingers:
(mezzo forte)
What will become of our little ole gang?
When are we going to fight those evil Jets (or whatever)
I've got a big wood with a nail in it,
Those dudes are completely fucked - I will stick it into one of their heads!

CHORUS

STREET JUSTICE!
Oh yeah it's - STREET JUSTICE
Holy Fuck it's - STREET JUSTICE
An honour based system of retaliatory violence

Colin, A member of the infamous Jets, comes around the corner.

Colin:
(A rich Baritone)
Hey Corey Twenty-Fingers, guess what?
Last night I fucked your mother and your sister - and your dad.

HE IS PREGNANT,

CHORUS

STREET JUSTICE!
Oh yeah it's - STREET JUSTICE
Time for some good ole fashioned STREET JUSTICE
This will probably end up with both parties hospitalised, wounded.

I'm still working on this shit. It's probably at what I'd call 'final draft stage'.

FIRE IN A HOLE, HIKING IN THE SNOW

2007-04-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

Check this diary of known Antarctic Explorer, Shackleton.

Day IVXLLMC

My childhood companion, Billy Stickers, has become seriously wounded in a fistfight we had in our tent. I didn't want to hurt him but he has been dropping so many L-Bombs on me, like a gooey-eyed "hey when are we going to marry, Shackleton", it's just not the place for it. I'll admit the atmosphere in these cramped surroundings has been pretty fucking romantic. Even I, Shackleton, have felt crazy aroused at certain points. But if Billy Stickers continues with this shit I might possibly give up on my mission to find the Magnet of the South.

I am starting to wish I had just gone to Torremolinos.

Day VLLMCXI

I, Shackleton, and Billy Stickers have been discussing names for our new babies. Here is our list:

BOY NAMES

Ice Cold Derek
Frombert
Terry Latino, PhD

GIRL NAMES

I Wish You Were A Boy
Alan
Terry Latino, PhD

Day KLXXMIC

I straight up ate B. Stickers because we ran out of food. I sure hope nobody finds this signed confession.

Signed,
Shackleton.

-------

"One summer, I watched a group of caterpillar eating a birch tree right outside my door. I thought a pair of them would make a perfect mustache. It was a difficult photo shoot, since they kept trying to crawl up my nose and also had trouble sticking to my face. Applying honey to my upper lip (my mother's suggestion) helped a great deal. Crossdressing, as an act that is generally thought of as highly unnatural act, transpires here using entirely natural materials."

Self-Portrait as Sir Ernest Shackleton
C-print, 6 x 8 inches, 2002

I JACKED ALL TRADES AND MASTERED ONE OF FOUR ELEMENTS

2007-04-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

So, I had almost an unlimited level of success with my previous work for Childs and thought to do another one right now. Who are you to stop me, with your statute book.

THE STORY OF ADVENTUROUS WALRUS
or, "All's Well That Ends Well"

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Once upon a time there lived a leathery Walrus, his name was probably Jor-El or something. Unlike the other timid as shit Walruses, Jor-El had a longing for adventure. Watching all his friends sit around eating hoary old chestnuts, AGAIN, Jor-El formed an idea in the back of his mind: let's swim to Fiji.

Background: Fiji is usually off-limits for Walrus-kind. It's extremely hot there and Walruses left unattended will fuck up and explode. They just aren't designed for it (the heat). You can imagine what it would look like if heaps of Walruses exploded at once - not good.

Jor-El decided that he would coat himself in a revolutionary 'Cold Solution' that he got off Scientists. He proceeded to swim to Fiji, ignoring his parents and friends who gave him some pretty big stern looks.

Once in Fiji, Jor-El started a reasonably successful newspaper, reporting on issues of the day with insight and aplomb. To this day he pens a society column detailing events and gossip among the elite of Fiji, few of whom are aware of his origins and the fact that there is a big fucking Walrus in their midst.

Jor-El can be contacted for further information on +679 739 0210 or by emailing jor-el@fiji.com.

HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE THE LANDSCAPE CHANGED

2007-03-30T18:11:00.000-07:00

So, this is happening:

"I AM NOT MENTALLY OR PHYSICALLY READY FOR STEDMAN IN THIS FORM"

Stedman takes a lot of forms. You better start training.

EVEN THE ARMADILLOS GOT NECK PROTECTION

2007-03-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

So one thing I've been doing lately is playing hella Darts. It's not a game you'd normally associate with, unless you are really into it. I'm at the point now where I can just do like 40 Bullseyes in a row. Most people will struggle to hit the fucking board, let alone post a massive score.

"I CAN'T EVEN HIT A WALL FROM 1 CM AWAY"

I don't know why this is. Perhaps the average co-ordination of the populace has dropped since Neanderthals had to throw Darts at Cows in order to survive. It's a pity as the sport itself is so refreshing, free from the commercialism that has ruined most pastimes. A typical press conference with a Darts practitioner would be like,

SPORT 'JOURNALIST': Who is your new Sponsorship, eh buddy?
NOBLE DARTS PRACTITIONER: If I had to dignify your query with an answer, my Learned Friend, I would suggest you take note of the blank canvas that is my uniform, my baggage located hence containing my Darts, (motions), mine coach who sits yonder - all of them festooned without logos of Sponsor, I Dart for the love of it which runs through the veins of my family.
SPORT 'JOURNALIST': I am retiring from my profession to become a priest.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to practice my technique, pretty disciplined as it is already basically perfect.

'These Darts are all that is left of my Once Proud Empire (and this folder)'

STARVING FOR METAL

2007-03-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

Having a dinner party? Why not turn it into the talk of the town with this fucking degustation right here.

EXPLOSIVE NOODLE STEAK 'DEL JARDIN'
An Moderne Recipe by IOYC, Michelin Chef

INGREDIENTS

250g Potassium Chloride (A Chemical Salt)
15 portions Explosive Noodles
1 Steak
Butter
Ambergis, shitloads of it

UTENSILS

Nous
Good Soundtrack (The Vinders? A bit of Iron Mansion?)
Really great pan

PROCEDURE

Combine the K+Cl and Butter into the pan, and just stir it up for ages until you can't tell what has happened. Let sleep for 45 mins. When it awakes, gently and lovingly fold the Steak and Explosive Noodle into it, browning softly until you are ready start poaching the absolute fuck out of it. Go for it! You won't get another chance. Keep going, don't stop, even if you think you can't take it any more. Trust me - you can. Allow the sountrack to start up, say Track IV at a volume of 9. Work in the rhythm of it, USE YOUR NOUS! At 3:08 the Noodles will begin Exploding - quickly remove from heat. Discard steak into several bowls. Brush what is left of your kitchen with ambergis, spray it everywhere, weeping in a ruinous frenzy.

Serves 40.

THE CAT'S OUT OF THE LOUIS VUITTON

2007-03-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

THE CIRCLE IS NEVER SEEN

2007-02-21T15:39:00.000-08:00

This is going to be another bullshit diary of my Activities, so get ready ie strapped in and so on.

INTRODUCTION

So I went to the Movies the other day, just on a whim, like I had nothing better to do than sit in some A/C while extremities of celluloid blasted into my innocent face. And I was watching, thinking so much like 'Jason Bourne, why don't you come in bro, they want only to talk to you about Operation Treadmill' you know, peeping through my hands and shit - I won't lie, I was frightened out my wits.

"IT'S ONLY A MOVIE YOU FUCKING CRY BABY"

Thanks ~~for the add~~, BTW I shat in your mailbox in case you were wondering why all your mail is brown and smells fucked.

STORY ARC

I walked out of the theatre with a pretty radical new perspective on things, little did I know that it was going to be short-lived. Almost immediately upon entering the Pavement I ran into my old nemesis Robbie the Kid, we call him that cos dude looks fucking mega young, even though he is a fully grown adult male. He hates it but what can you do.

Anyway, Robbie was just reeling off all these Achievements he has done since days of Yore, Management of Company, Home Renovation, Fathered 80 Childs In Wedlock, whatever, like 'can you compete with this bullshit? Journalism? Is it a real Employment?'. It shat me pretty bad but I didn't tell him - just gave him a massive look like 'Fair enough but you still look like a fucking two year old'.

It got me thinking about Adultery, like when do you start looking / acting really responsible and shit. I checked the bible for answers, St Paul letter of epistle to Corinth etc, shit was pretty ahead of its time. So I updated it to be even more ahead of its time. See what you think.

SUMMARY OF PROCESS

CHILDS

1. Spake pretty fucking stupid
2. Don't understand shit
3. Basically like a retard

ADULTERY

1. 'Fuck this Childish shit off', putting it away neatly.
2. See this Glass Darkly, well I have magicked it into a Window.
3. Straight up Universal Love of fellow Man / Chicks.

I'm still unconvinced, but whatever, it's not a competition.

THE CLOAK AND DAGGER MAGNUM PACKER

2007-02-19T15:12:00.001-08:00

Basically all of yesterday I was dreaming about being a fucking good Spy in the manner of ~~Good Will Hunting~~ A Bourne Indignity or whatever. Thing is, I would be perfectly qualified for the ancient arts of Espionage, being:

(a) Calm as fuck in all manner of strife
(b) Pretty good at putting shit together (plots, guns)
(c) Super-Loyal to a Machiavellian sense of destiny over the Right of Individuals
(d) Quite Handsome
(e) I Note that Mother Duck Has Flown Into A Bucket for Christmas; Do you wish for a Complete Service Pedicure? WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS HINT HINT PY-SAY OTHERFUCKERS-MAY.

Is there some joint I can just rock up and try out Spying? To be honest I don't want to go to a Spy Academy where everyone sits around doing wisecracks and shooting at paper tigers, 'Congratulations IOYC you are head of the Class of Decipherment', Obstacle Course, No YOU LISTEN to ME Sergeant, will it ever end. Ideally I can just do it on my own time.

'A timely warning?'

I just remembered how down I am with Morse Code as well (remember that episode?). I wouldn't trust me for shit now, I am probably Spying as of tomorrow.

OR AM I??